stink pile

Bengals.

Loathsome team. It's hard to like them or take them seriously. They don't hit anybody. The roster is filled with selfish fools. The three star receivers find ways to hurt the team in their own special way (Chad drops two big passes a game and quits on two more, TJ makes sure that every referee hates him and the team by screaming at them on national television every week like a spoiled child and Chris Henry spends most of his time suspended). They rack up stupid penalties. The coaching staff cannot manage the clock or make smart challenges. The head coach is smug and overwhelmed. The front office is the worst in the league. The uniforms are hideous. The music at the stadium is tacky. The cheerleaders belong in dimly-lit strip clubs. The team slogan "do your job" is dorky and the team rally cry "who dey" is tired and stolen.

I am convinced that the Bengals will never win a playoff game with this ownership group in place. Key players:

- Mike Brown (recluse son of legend Paul Brown. He's a simpleton who does not understand free agency, let alone the salary cap. He wants to run the Bengals "his father's way". This is ironic since his father was an innovator, flexible and brilliant.)
- Katie Blackburn (Brown's daughter. She's a lawyer. Whoah! She passed a bar exam! That's craptastic. She is the Bengals' chief contract negotiator. In fact, Brown was quoted once saying that 'she is the CEO'. I wish my daddy owned a football team)
- Troy Blackburn (Katie's husband. His title is "vice president". I guess that means he's in charge of stuff. He probably went to college.)

That's the brain trust. Few credentials. Less results. And this is the family business, so they are not going anywhere. For most owners, the football franchise is their toy. Their passion project. Their real money comes from oil wells, shipping interests, stocks and fancy factories. These owners don't care if the football club loses some big bags of cash. But for the this group, season ticket sales and NFL shared revenue pays the mortgage. In short, profit, not Super Bowl wins, is the priority.

The Bengals have a great shot at finishing with a 5-2 run and slapping up another 8-8 yawn. Another average season. Another 16 games taken from Carson Palmer's career. Poor Carson. With 8 wins, the Bengals can convince desperate fans that once again, next year is the year. "If a few balls bounce our way and we stay healthy, it's playoff time! Don't miss out – renew those season tickets!" Giggle.

So what's the point? Not sure. I guess it gives me a chance to spew negative barbs at men that will never read this. Good times. Here's the players that must be removed from this football squad in the off-season:

Rudi Johnson – he's finished. I will never believe he was hurt in the Seattle game. Hamstring my ass. That's a phantom injury. He was benched and should return there. They belong together. He runs soft, he crumples to the ground on first contact and any desire he once had to be a football player is gone. I fall asleep during his runs – wake me when it's second and 12 (that's my little joke).
Deltha Oneal – coward. There's a reason Mike Shannahan ejected him from Denver after the 2003 season. He's soft, slow and tired. He quits. He stains the locker room.

I even hate his face

Dexter Jackson – washed up. Well, that implies he was once, um, washed down? He's terrible yet still has the audacity to run his mouth during games. His specialty is whiffing on tackles. And he does it right.
Justin Smith – strike up the clichés: he's got a great motor, he's a blue-collar player, he brings his lunch pail to work every day… I have another one: loud farting noise. He's an average player on an average team. That makes him a franchise player. Ugh. Let's move on.
Chad Johnson – It's time to go. Maybe you can get a first-rounder for him.
Willie Anderson – I feel bad for Willie. He's a true pro who deserved better. He can barely walk anymore.

If the Gals had some guts, vision and respect for the game (they don't), they would trade Palmer for 4 or 5 draft picks. The Bears would make that deal. Then the Bengals could start over and Palmer could play for a winner while he is in his prime. Instead, the Gals will hover around 6-9 wins for next five years and waste Palmer's formidable years.

who dey.