football and gambling

With football launching it was appropriate to create a gambling account and hand over my credit card information to savvy mobsters that have found the internet and relocated to the Caribbean. God bless America. Or Antigua.

I don’t like betting college football, because the lines are so big. But my buddy and gambling advisor is unaffected by minus 18s and 19s so I decided to follow his picks for the weekend. My direction was encouraged by an opening night blowout – I took Mississippi State at +21 (cursed large numbers!) and they lost 41-0. Like plumbing and porn, it is sometimes better to leave things to the experts.

I went to BW3s because of the foul birth of the Big 10 Network forced the OSU Buckeye game onto an obscure cable channel that my picture box does not receive. I was surprised (though I should not have been) that the cable companies rolled over to this ridiculous channel that will carry a total of 100 hours of quality programming the entire year. At this rate, there will be an SEC West channel in five years. A million channels and not a thing to watch – almost makes you want to read.

The bar was perfect and I praised Allah that I was not in Columbus. Instead of a soccer riot, I was presented with a half-empty bar with wide walk lanes and clean tables with clear views to the screens. Heaven. I glided to my table and had instant service. I ordered a Coke and saw the look of despair. The waitress could see I would be occupying a table for 4 hours, was not drinking, had no friends and my bill would come to around $11. I eased her pain by adding a water to my tab.

The Buckeye game started and I watched with canned cheering. It's hard to get up for the early season blowouts. But not for the table next to me. They had a tray of yaeger shots delivered before 2pm. I would monitor them the rest of the way. At one point, one guy open hand slapped another. Nothing escalated. They were nasty to each other. They may have been going to a wedding later. One guy was wearing a generic OSU jersey with the name 'Ohio State' stenciled in the back that he got from Target. Once his alcohol level was just right, he turned his fury on a Michigan fan who was minding his own business with his two kids. He barked 'Hey dude, Michigan F**KING SUCKS!' I buried my head in shame.

By 1pm, I was no longer watching the OSU game. Michigan was having all kinds of problems with 1-AA Appalachian State. Now I am not one of those fools who says 'I have two favorite teams – OSU and whoever is playing Michigan.' Any Buckeye fan who wants Michigan to be 0-11 every year at the end of the season is daft. However, I could not resist cheering for little App. State. I would have preferred them slinging the David rock at USC, LSU or Oklahoma, but Michigan would have to do.

The game got good and I had no choice but to yelp encouragement for Appalachia. The whole while, I was monitoring the Miami game (giving 18 to Marshal), peaking at the OSU rout and texting my gambling guru who was painting his bathroom. Here are my text transcripts:

12:47PM - Bowie – UM 14 APP 14
12:54PM - guru – Go… App guys? No idea what their mascot is.
12:58PM - Bowie – Its an inbred child with 12 tows. Nickname 'dirty dozen'
1:04PM - guru – I like it, however, you have to appreciate the irony of you misspelling toes while calling someone else a hick
1:07PM - Bowie – you're a toe
1:10PM - Bowie – 21 – 14 dirty D
1:15PM - Bowie – UM fumbled the kickoff return
1:17PM - Bowie – Ground caused it. Overturned.
1:24PM - Bowie – UM fails to convert on 4th down. Reeks of desperation. Follows with personal foul. I am no longer watching the OSU game.
1:25PM - guru – (Giggles)
1:28PM - Bowie – DD DRIVING AT WILL. First and Goal.
1:34PM - Bowie – 28 14. Whole bar LOUDLY cheering for DD with mocking laughter
1:56PM - Bowie – table next to me just ordered 6 yaeger shots. Good times.
2:03PM - guru – Buckeye kicker is a 28-year old divorcee. No joke.
2:08PM - Bowie – some guy just got an open hand slap. DD at their 36.
2:11PM - guru – a slap at the bar? In the face? From a chick? Do tell.
2:13PM - Bowie – Guy on guy. Like the porn you watch. Did not escalate. After UM int cannot move the ball. Settle for 3. 28 20
2:16PM - guru – Don't concern yourself with my collection of porn. You're telling me a dude got slapped in the face and didn't fight? That's automatic throw down time.
2:23PM - Bowie – UM has no answer for DD QB. Dude just dropped WIDE OPEN touch. Settled for FG. 31-20.
2:28PM - Bowie – Mich bumbled kick and only got it out to the 10. Then they had to waste a timeout. Hart is out with an injury. Crumbling.
2:31PM - Bowie – Fumble. DD ball on 28.
2:34PM - Bowie – Stalled. Missed 46 yard field goal. That hurts.
2:37PM - Bowie -UM flinging errant deep balls. fear.
2:39PM - Bowie - 3 and out. 3 incompletes. None were close.
2:44PM - Bowie - DD driving. Fumbled. Keeping um in game.
2:45PM - Bowie - Blue has to work for every yard.
2:49PM - Bowie - 31 26. UM failed 2 pt conversion. End of 3rd. Huge drive coming up for APP.
2:59PM - Bowie - 3 and out. Punt. Personal Foul. Great field pos for um. The worm has turned.
3:02PM - Bowie - App pick. Almost goes house. Bar erupts. I am giddy.
3:05PM - Bowie - 3 and out. UM D decided to wake up. Punt. UM ball at own 25.
3:12PM - Bowie - Hart is heating up. Blue at midfield.
3:13PM - Bowie - 3rd and 14. huge.
3:21PM - Bowie - Punt. UM ball at midfield. APP starting to play scared.
3:24PM - Bowie - Hart just ripped a 55 yard highlight td run. 32 31 after failed 2 pt conv.
3:26PM - Bowie - Pick. Not sweet.
3:34PM - Bowie - UM missed FG. App ball at 45 after qb scramble. 90 seconds.
3:36PM - Bowie - Moving. At um 30.

At this point, a phone call was made after the App St. QB scrambled and threw a dart across his body that ended with a first and goal at the 5. After some terrible clock management and a knuckle ball field goal, the score was 34-32. The last text:

3:43 50 yd bomb to manningham. Ball on 20. Getting ready to kick. Unreal.

Game ends as everyone knows. Phone calls go out to everyone. Except one last text message, to my buddy who goes to Michigan grad school:

3:51PM - Bowie – oops.


So that beautiful chunk of life ended (My bill was $13, and Miami covered the spread, so I am up 17) and I scurried home to watch Notre Dame. ND is great gambling because they have hordes of fans who are crazy and bet, so they drive the lines down. Irish was giving 1.5 points to Gerogia Tech. Only scary thing is that NBC has mortgaged their college football wad into the Domers, so they NEED the Irish to be good. This leads to a few fishy calls that can drive the honest degenerate to distraction. Good thing Notre Dame is miserable. 33-3, Yellow Jackets. That's what we like to call a 'gambling layup'.

The glorious day ended with Cal (-7) covering against Tennessee. All told, the guru went 6-0. As Fast Eddie once said, 'Money won is twice as sweet as money earned'.