Big Ten/Big East - cross power rankings

These are my two favorites conferences. Only because my two teams - Ohio State and Cincinnati - are members. However, this season, there is only one conference game I was interested in that did not include OSU or UC - and that was West Virgnia vs. Louisville.

On the flip side, I can watch just about any SEC game that includes LSU, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky or Arkansas. And I hate the SEC. That's saying something. But I digress.

So here are the combo power rankings of these two BCS, sometimes boring, often ridiculed, top-heavy conferences. And the beauty is the two prized pigs might face each other for a shiny crystal football. And every football fan outside the Midwest will be furious. In the face.

Cross power rankings - week 13

1. West Virginia – here comes the fan fare. I have seen at least 5 articles since Sunday, just on ESPN.com, gushing on how fast and sweet and wonderful the Mountaineers are. Keep it coming. I still think they are one-dimensional and can be contained. Their defense does not scare me. I think you can push them around a little bit. The toughest game they played this year was at Cincinnati (their non-conference was a joke) and they struggled through that one.

2. Ohio State – Have you noticed that "in the clubhouse" is the hot analogy for describing a team that has finished their regular season? Oh people. They are a Sooners victory (favored by 3) away from New Orleans. I like the setup. Instead of the heads babbling on about how sweet OSU is they are talking how the Bucks are a joke and may back into (for shame!) the BCS title by default. Good. I want you to think OSU sucks. And tell them about it.

3. Illinois – They played #1 Missouri in week 1 and barely lost, 40-34. I forgot all about that. I hope they make the BCS and dump an SEC team.

4. Wisconsin – Wisky is Frisky. Rhymes. They are going to win their bowl game – just you watch.

5. Cincinnati – QB Ben Mauck impresses me more every week. He makes plays out of the pocket. I really like the wideouts and TE Connor Barwin is turning into a pro prospect. The defense didn't make the trip to upstate New York – hence the #5 ranking. I fear that UC is going to get screwed in their bowl selection since they are not a known product and the fan base does not travel (except you, Watts).

6. Michigan – The only way they win their bowl game is if they do the old "Rally around the fired coach" thing. But you figured they would have done that during the OSU game, and instead dropped a steaming turd on their home field. They quit against OSU. As previously stated: gutless.

7. South Florida – This is a gift. I am not sure they could beat MSU at this point. They got very average very fast.

8. Michigan St – finished with 2 quality ("quality" being a relative term in this conference) Big 10 wins – Purdue and PSU. This was preceded by losing 4 out of 5 games – but every loss was by 7 points or less. They are on the verge, and coach Mark D'Antonio has shown he can recruit (the Bearcats have 9 wins with his guys).

9. Connecticut - A QB away from dangerous

10. Penn State – See "Connecticut"

11. Rutgers – this is where Rutgers will settle in for the foreseeable future. 7-8 wins, minor bowl bid. Gooooo New Jersey!

12. Louisville – disappointing season. The might sink back into irrelevance. Louisville knows horses, basketball and wooden bats. Not football. Rutgers v UL this Thursday for the coveted 11 th spot on the power rankings. Huge.

13. Indiana – sentimental pick since they lost their coach during the offseason. Lost 4 Big 10 games in a row before beating Purdue to win the old wooden toilet or something.

14. Pittsburgh – maybe they have been playing possum, getting ready for the backyard brawl. Or maybe Dave Wannstedt sucks.

15. Purdue – Good 'ole Purdue. 7-8 wins, up-tempo offense, limited athletes. We'll see you again next year fellas.

16. Iowa – this is punishment for losing their season finale to Western Michigan. At least their coach is a genius.

17. Syracuse – offensive explosion against the Cats vaults them out of the cellar. Way to go Orange!

18. Northwestern – why are they still in the Big 10?

19. Minnesota – one win. One stinking win.

stink pile

Bengals.

Loathsome team. It's hard to like them or take them seriously. They don't hit anybody. The roster is filled with selfish fools. The three star receivers find ways to hurt the team in their own special way (Chad drops two big passes a game and quits on two more, TJ makes sure that every referee hates him and the team by screaming at them on national television every week like a spoiled child and Chris Henry spends most of his time suspended). They rack up stupid penalties. The coaching staff cannot manage the clock or make smart challenges. The head coach is smug and overwhelmed. The front office is the worst in the league. The uniforms are hideous. The music at the stadium is tacky. The cheerleaders belong in dimly-lit strip clubs. The team slogan "do your job" is dorky and the team rally cry "who dey" is tired and stolen.

I am convinced that the Bengals will never win a playoff game with this ownership group in place. Key players:

- Mike Brown (recluse son of legend Paul Brown. He's a simpleton who does not understand free agency, let alone the salary cap. He wants to run the Bengals "his father's way". This is ironic since his father was an innovator, flexible and brilliant.)
- Katie Blackburn (Brown's daughter. She's a lawyer. Whoah! She passed a bar exam! That's craptastic. She is the Bengals' chief contract negotiator. In fact, Brown was quoted once saying that 'she is the CEO'. I wish my daddy owned a football team)
- Troy Blackburn (Katie's husband. His title is "vice president". I guess that means he's in charge of stuff. He probably went to college.)

That's the brain trust. Few credentials. Less results. And this is the family business, so they are not going anywhere. For most owners, the football franchise is their toy. Their passion project. Their real money comes from oil wells, shipping interests, stocks and fancy factories. These owners don't care if the football club loses some big bags of cash. But for the this group, season ticket sales and NFL shared revenue pays the mortgage. In short, profit, not Super Bowl wins, is the priority.

The Bengals have a great shot at finishing with a 5-2 run and slapping up another 8-8 yawn. Another average season. Another 16 games taken from Carson Palmer's career. Poor Carson. With 8 wins, the Bengals can convince desperate fans that once again, next year is the year. "If a few balls bounce our way and we stay healthy, it's playoff time! Don't miss out – renew those season tickets!" Giggle.

So what's the point? Not sure. I guess it gives me a chance to spew negative barbs at men that will never read this. Good times. Here's the players that must be removed from this football squad in the off-season:

Rudi Johnson – he's finished. I will never believe he was hurt in the Seattle game. Hamstring my ass. That's a phantom injury. He was benched and should return there. They belong together. He runs soft, he crumples to the ground on first contact and any desire he once had to be a football player is gone. I fall asleep during his runs – wake me when it's second and 12 (that's my little joke).
Deltha Oneal – coward. There's a reason Mike Shannahan ejected him from Denver after the 2003 season. He's soft, slow and tired. He quits. He stains the locker room.

I even hate his face

Dexter Jackson – washed up. Well, that implies he was once, um, washed down? He's terrible yet still has the audacity to run his mouth during games. His specialty is whiffing on tackles. And he does it right.
Justin Smith – strike up the clichés: he's got a great motor, he's a blue-collar player, he brings his lunch pail to work every day… I have another one: loud farting noise. He's an average player on an average team. That makes him a franchise player. Ugh. Let's move on.
Chad Johnson – It's time to go. Maybe you can get a first-rounder for him.
Willie Anderson – I feel bad for Willie. He's a true pro who deserved better. He can barely walk anymore.

If the Gals had some guts, vision and respect for the game (they don't), they would trade Palmer for 4 or 5 draft picks. The Bears would make that deal. Then the Bengals could start over and Palmer could play for a winner while he is in his prime. Instead, the Gals will hover around 6-9 wins for next five years and waste Palmer's formidable years.

who dey.