The night before the draft 2006

The NFL draft has been jammed down my throat so much that I have not even wanted to talk about it. But it is tomorrow, so we should probably give it a look.

I think the Bengals are finally in the position where they do not have any gaping holes in their roster, so they can focus on picking the best player available. But they still have needs...

Positions where a player could start immediately/by midseason

Cornerback - One spot is taken by pro bowler Deltha Oneal (though I think he is vastly overrated). The other is taken by aging Tory James (who the Bengals' coaches claim had a fine season last year... he is slow and soft on the run). Then you have Kiewan Ratlif, who will be never be anything more than a backup/nickel DB. I don't think a shutdown corner will be there by #24. Some people think the Bengals could sign Donte Whitner, who is more of a safety than a corner. He would be great on passing downs but would not be an every down corner. If the Bengals pick Ashton Yobouty, I will puke.

Tight End - Everyone wants to have the big, fast tight end that catches 50 balls a season. But with the Bengals offense, I am not sure there are enough balls to go around to keep a pass catching TE happy. And Cincinnati loves their 3-wideout set and throwing to Chris Perry out of the backfield. The Bengals still have Tony Stewart and Reggie Kelly, who the coaches love because he can block. Schobel is gone. Apparently the TE field is deep this year so the Begals will probably go defense with their first pick then go TE with their 2nd/3rd.

Defensive End - Justin Smith is the right end that the coaches say 'works hard' and 'has a great motor' and is 'durable'. That's like when someone asks you if the girl you fixed him up with is attractive and you say 'she's got a great personality'. Geathers is the left end. I seriously do not remember hearing his name called in any game last year. Not once. Some guy named 'Kiwanuka' from BC or Tamba Hali from PSU could be picked.

Positions where a player could be second string

Offensive Line - The Bengals have a bunch of offensive linemen - probably their deepest position. They have guys that everyone forgot about because they were hurt last year. Adam Kieft is a monster (6-7 330) LT who blew out his ACL. Ben Wilkerson is a center out of LSU who dropped out of the '04 draft because HIS knee was blown out. And the Bengals have Larry Moore who blew out his knee in the Houston game. With Kieft and Stacy Andrews (6-7 350) waiting in the wings at tackle, this is probably BIG Willie's last year. So it looks like a log jam at O Line. Still, the rationale is that you can NEVER have enough offensive linemen. If center Nick Mangold drops, the Gals could snatch him.

Linebacker - the Bengals have 3 solid starters (Simmons, Thurman, Pollack) but if they draft someone good enough, they could bring some 3-4 looks to mix it up.

Safety - The Bengals have the starters in Dexter Jackson and Madieu Williams, but they still need secondary help.

Quarterback - It sounds crazy, since the Bengals have 4 QBs on the roster, but I don't think Cincinnati has a 2nd string QB that they trust. Anthony Wright is just a spot sign to start the first 4-6 games. He will not be on the roster next year. After that you have Doug Johnson, who sucks, and Craig Krenzel who is just there in case a terrorist sets off a chemical weapon in Paul Brown Stadium and we need a bio-chemist to save the city.

Positions that the Bengals will not draft... well, I take that back. These would be picks for the future. And in Marvin we Trust.

Running Back - The Bengals have Rudi Johnson signed through '09. Fullback Jeremi Johnson through '11. Chris Perry is a great backup and maybe the best 3rd down back in the league. Kenny Watson, a solid pro, is back after injury. I just don't see a sign here.

Wide Receiver - I swear, if the Bengals sign another receiver, I am going to go to the grocery store and throw an orange at the nearest customer in my line of sight. Just because.

Another Cincinnati Red analogy

The Carl Linder/Bob Castellini (ex and current owners of the Cincinnati Reds) thing is like this:

You start dating this woman who looks great on paper. She is attractive, she is smart, she looks good on your arm when you walk into a bar, she has a good job and it seems right. It should be a good relationship. She even cooks you dinner in her underpants at the beginning and bought you tickets to a Bengals game. She's says all the right things. She seems excited to be with you. But it quickly fades. She becomes disinterested. She's a cold fish in bed. Your friends hate her. She's high maintenance and she complains that you don't make enough money. If only you would give HER more, she would give so much back. And she's always on the look out for someone better. Not better, but someone in a stronger financial/social situation. She's gotten everything out of you that she can get and now she wants out. She moves on.

And now you are with someone new. She is adorable. She drinks beer with you and your buddies. She doesn't care if you come home late and drunk. She does your laundry sometimes and she reminds you about your mother's birthday. She likes you. She comes to watch your softball games. She has fun in bed. She plays games to keep things interesting. She always tries to look sexy and she only has eyes for you. It's early in the relationship but you already think that she may be the One. Not only that, but she is SO much better than your previous girlfriend that you start giving her credit for everything that goes well in your life. Furthermore, you still run in the same social circles as your ex-girlfriend so you overtly gush over your new woman in public just to make sure the ex knows how happy you are and how much she sucked.

Anthony Wright and BIG girls

Some Bengals fans (namely me) were perplexed by the curious signing of ex-Raven QB Anthony Wright. The QB officially became a Bengal on 4-20, which we all hope is not an ominous sign.

With the potential of Carson Palmer missing a significant chunk of the season, why did the Bengals not sign Joey Harrington? Wouldn't the talented yet maligned quarterback thrive in the Bengals offensive system? Does the choice of Wright over Harrington mean the Cincinnati brass has confidence in Palmer's recovery or are simply too cheap to sign a quality backup?

The answer lies below in a communicae sent by the 'Oregon Correspondant'. His composition is printed below, verbatim. His true identity cannot be revealed for legal reasons.


they didnt want to pay a couple million for a scrub that would play six games max. i dont blame them. harrington is a turd. as for wright, i dont really understand the signing. is he any better than johnson or krenzie? i dont think so. nobody else would come here because of the situation they were stepping into: they knew the gals didnt want to spend anymore money on this position and that the moment palmer was healthy their career in cincy was officially over. with contracts not being guaranteed in the NFL, if palmer makes a speedy recovery and makes it back for the first game then theyre cut before the season ever starts, they get no money other than the small signing bonus the bengals offered, and theyve missed the free agent window. the bengals contacted several guys to come in all of whom did not want in any way shape or form to be palmers backup. in the end, when they realized that they couldnt get a guy that could make a difference (like brian greise, who the bengals courted but he declined because he didnt want to be a career backup) they wanted to go budget. harrington is no better than wright and wright costs way less.

basically i dont think it was a cheap move. i think it was a calculated move. mark, its kind of like this:
ok, my scorching hot wife is out of town for the next year. i need to find an lady to watch the kids and keep me happy. i've contacted all the single girls who i thought were attractive, but they all rejected me because they knew i was in love with my wife and when she returned they would be gone in a heartbeat. at that point all i had to choose from was the fatties. do i choose the fattie that was pretty cute 75 lbs ago but likes to go to jeff rubys for dinner and who will cause problems when the wife returns, or do i choose the fattie whos always been the fattie who likes to go to BW3, is just happy to be in a relationship even if it is only for a short time, who respects the hotness of my wife, plus she gives great... massages?* its a no brainer.

*apologies to the my Pacific Northwest associate - this is a family blog

Reds Notes 4.21.06

First and foremost: absolutely no lead is safe with this team. The Reds led 12-6 in the 6th inning and I felt marginally comfortable.

- Dunn is a strikeout machine. He chases that tailing fastball/curveball from left handers EVERY TIME. The pitches are so outside that no legal bat could hit them. He swings right through them. It's comical. Going into Thursday's game, his last 6 hits were HRs. He singled last night.
- Out of nowhere, Brandon Phillips is playing like the 2nd basemen of the present/future. He has some legitimate pop in his bat. His HRs Thursday night were gone in any park.
- Dave Williams. The Dead Fish. 3 innings. 8 hits. 6 earned runs. 4 walks. That's a nice effort there, Williams. His ERA is 10.50. He's one bad start from being in Louisville. Or maybe getting one of those phantom 30 day-DL assignments for 'shoulder problems'. The pitch he threw to Bill Hall that he crushed for a HR was batting practice. Tommy Lasorda's heater has more action on it.
- The bullpen was solid last night. When your starter only completes 3 innings, and it only takes 3 relievers to complete the game, that is good stuff (and Shackelford only faced 1 guy, so he doesn't really count). Belisle's effort was fantastic. The Reds desperately need another long reliever. He did not allow a run for 4 innings. His arm went dead in the 8th.
- Hot Coffey. He was a little shaky but went 1.2 and got out of the bases loaded, 1-out jam in the 8th. His ERA is 0.96
- EE-6 (Edwin Encarnacion) had another miserable throw from his knees. Hatteberg MUST have seen it coming because that throw was WAY off line and he was able to corral it. Instead of setting up for the 1st basemen stretch, he was like a punt returner waiting to receive a boot in swirling winds. But hey, that HR was sweet.

- The Reds average 8 runs/per game in their 10 wins. 4.5 runs/per game in their 6 losses.
- The Reds are 5-3 and average 6.9 runs/per game since Griffey went out 4/13

ADAM DUNN HATE CAMPAIGN '06:

Dunn is batting .143 with runners in scoring position. He left 4 men on base last night. I am trying to find his total LOB for the season but cannot find it.

Reds Notes 4.19.2006

Reds win 9-8 on a Edwin Encarnacion double in the 9th inning. The Reds had trailed 5-0 and 8-4. I was busy thinking about what a despicable loss this was going to be and then the Reds up and stole the game. A few thoughts:

- Dontrelle Willis is a cool cat. He's animated and excited about baseball. I hope we get him. He also is a good fielder - he made two great plays. One of which was a line drive that almost hit him in the face.
- thank god the Marlins pulled Willis after 6 innings. He absolutely cruised through the 5th and 6th
- when LaRue K'd with the bases loaded and one out in the 2nd, I thought the game was over
- LaRue is the slowest man I have EVER seen run the base paths. And the worst. He scored on a pass ball in the 4th and he should have walked in - it ended up being a close play. Then he was thrown out at the plate in the 8th when Freel hit a slow ground ball to deep SS. He was clueless on that play and got caught in a rundown.
- LaRue dropped another ball on a pay-at-the-plate. He does this all the time. Freel threw a perfect dart, on the fly, and LaRue dropped it. And then he bitched. LaRue needs to go. And he needs a nickname that represents his terribleness.
- Freel has a good arm. Seriously. So does Dunn.
- The Reds brought up a pitcher from Louisville to replace Mr. Burns. Michael Gosling. He pitched a 1-2-3 5th but two of the outs where sharp drives hit right at a Reds outfielder. In the 6th, some guy named Abercrombie and Fitch absolutely DESTROYED a pitch into the left field bleachers. Dunn did not even move. It was the guys first career HR. The ball traveled 493 feet - the 3rd farthest HR in GABP history. It was a bomb.
- Dunn actually hit a grounder to the right side of the infield to score a run. Problem was, the Reds were trailing 8-4 at the time. I guarantee, if the score was 2-1, that would not have happened
- Phillips is playing well. 2 for 5. 3 RBI. His two hits were weak flares but at least he is getting the bat on the ball. He had the clutch RBI when the Reds were trailing 8-7 in the 8th. Womack is more than expendable.
- Encarnacion reminds me of Aaron Boone. He can pull the ball (both of his doubles were sharp grounders down the line) but he sometimes appears overmatched. And curve balls befuddle him. Pitchers are going to figure him out - just like Boone. He can field well, though
- Harang sucked today. It took him 90 pitches to get through 4 innings.
- Weathers got through 2 innings without giving up a run but it was dicey. He got out of a bases-loaded, one out jam in the 8th. And Florida hit him hard in the 7th.
- Coffey was lights out in the 9th
- Florida banged out 15 hits. 15 F**ING hits. And I can only name one of their starters: Cabrera. And I just went to the game. Hell, I went to all three games. Wait, I can name Abercrombie and Fitch too.

- The Reds scored 9 runs today without the aide of a Home Run. Now THAT is a statistic for this club.
- I love having Aurilia on this team. He plays every infield position well (possibly better than all the regulars, except Lopez) and he makes the pitcher work on all of his ABs. Good stuff.
- Today was the first day I actually missed Sean Casey. Remember when the Reds would win in their final at bat and they would mob the runner and engage in the "bounce" for about 30 seconds? That was all Casey. He made that happen. Our post game celebration was so good that I would laugh at other team's poor renditions when they would win in their last at bat. Well, now the Reds are like all those other teams. Dunn scored the winning run and Cincinnati weakly corralled him (maybe half of the team) before dissipating. It was sad.

9-6. Not exactly the pitching duel that was expected. But the Reds won a game they needed - no team that is serious about playoff baseball can drop a series at home to the Marlins. Now let's go beat some Milwaukee ass.

Family Guy concerns

I am concerned about “Family Guy”. It is my favorite show on television. And I do not watch much. I don’t watch 24 and I don’t get HBO. The Sunday cartoon block (sandwiched around the despicable “The War at Home”) of Simpsons and “Family Guy” is all I have. So I am very invested in this program. And I am scared.

“Family Guy” needs to evolve. All the great shows do. The “Simpsons” was the first prime time cartoon to ever entrench itself as a weekly sitcom. It was so new and different, that the content of the writing was inconsequential. The show was irreverent and crass and that was all that mattered. Bart dropped a couple ‘aye carumbas’ and ‘don’t have a cow, mans’, Homer made a bumbling mistake and shouted at everyone in the room and you had yourself a show. Take a look at the early shows. Season 1 is nearly unwatchable.

“Simpsons” figured out that if they were going to stay on the air, they had to move forward. They hired fantastic writers and shifted the focus away from Bart towards Homer. They incorporated supporting characters and created a living community. They started delivering satire more poignant and biting than any show in the history of television. That is a reinvention.

Not every show can recruit and retain the caliber of writers the “Simpsons” can. So if you cannot match that level of talent, you have to carve a niche. Enter “South Park”. When that show came on, it was so crude and offensive that it took immediate notice. The shock value carried it for the first few seasons. But fart jokes and low blows at celebrities only go so far.

“South Park” evolved. They mastered the ability to digitally design and produce a 22-minute animated episode in less than a week (a “Simpsons” episode takes 9 months to complete). Now, writers Matt Stone and Trey Parker can respond to happenings in the world instantaneously. No other sitcom has the ability to be this topical.

“Family Guy” corralled a cult following by taking often piercing shots at everyone and everything. Nothing was spared. This was combined with a sadistic genius infant with sexual identity issues and a hard drinking talking dog. The show distinguished itself by leaning on random flashbacks plugged in throughout the story. The absurdity of the flashbacks and complete departure from the running plot made the show deliciously weird and nonlinear. It was refreshing to watch a show that did not play by the rules.

But now you know about the baby and the dog. You expect snide remarks towards Hollywood, religious groups and George Bush. And the flashbacks are starting to look more like filler. In fact, if you take away the flashbacks, you are left with a 10-minute cartoon about a wise-cracking family. Last week, the show flashed to one of Peter’s old ‘part-time’ jobs. They ran a clip of Peter working behind the counter at Burger King, singing about menu items over a Christmas jingle. This was a parody of a cartoon that made the rounds on the internet. Spoofing an internet clip? That’s weak.

Record a “Family Guy” show. Edit out the flashbacks. There’s not much left.

But this reads like any other critique piece - picking out the nitty gritty and complaining about a show that has done nothing but bring me laughs for free. I hope I watched an off show and I am being ridiculous. I need this show.

Weight Class

Best fight of '06 - Liakhovich v. Brewster (April 1)

Boxing does not have much of a following these days but the potential for greatness is always there. I firmly believe that a great boxing match is the most exciting spectacle to watch in all of sport. The problem is that the 'great boxing match' is an extreme rarity. Most bouts are duds. And the heavyweight ranks, the glamour division, are miserable. Body builders with little boxing skill who tire early and hang on each other like drunken fraternity brothers.

There are 17 boxing divisions. I had no idea there were so many. It seems strange to me that they have so many low-weight divisions, separated by only 3-5 lbs. 10 divisions exist for men that weigh under 140 lbs. Seriously, do you even know a grown man that weighs less than a buck-40?

On the other hand, the heavyweight division includes any fighter that weighs in over 201 lbs. This is a gigantic weight range. A 205 lb man has no business fighting a 275 lb man. And as time goes on, men are only getting bigger. Muhammad Ali weighed in at 210 lbs in his prime. Lennox Lewis weighed 247 lbs. That is a serious mismatch.

This is how they break down by weight. Included are the best/most recognizable fighters in each division:

Heavyweights – 201 and up (Chris Byrd, Hasim Rahman, Wladimir Klitschko)

Cruiserweights – up to 200 lbs (O’Neil Bell)

Light Heavyweights – 175 lbs (Antonio Tarver, Glen Johnson, Roy Jones Jr. (washed up))

Super Middleweights – 168 lbs (Joe Calzaghe, Mikkel Kessler)

Middleweights – 160 lbs (Jermain Taylor, Winky Wright, Bernard Hopkins)

Junior Middleweights – 154 lbs (Roman Karmazin, Shayne Mosley, Ricardo Mayorga, Oscar De La Hoya)

Welterweights – 147 lbs (Carlos Baldomir, Floyd Mayweather Jr., Arturo Gatti)

Junior Welterweights – 140 lbs (Ricky Hatton – ESPN.com 2005 fighter of the year)

Lightweights – 135 lbs (Jose Luis Castilo, Diego ‘Chico’ Castillo)

Junior Lightweights – 130 lbs (Manny Pacquiao)

Featherweights – 126 lbs (Chris John)

Junior Featherweights – 122 lbs (Israel Vazquez)

Bantamweights – 118 lbs (Rafael Marquez)

Junior Bantamweights – 115 lbs (Martin Castillo)

Flyweights – 112 lbs (Pongsaklek Wonjongkam (60-2))

Junior Flyweights/Strawweights – 108 and 105 lbs (Ivan "Iron Boy" Calderon)

Green Jacket XXL

Phil Mickelson. I can't decide if I like him or hate him. On one hand, I am a little offended that this fat slob lopes around a golf course and makes more money in a weekend then I will ever make in my life. If you were Mickelson, and you had all the money in the world and time on your hands, wouldn't you hire a personal trainer and a chef so you didn't look like a pig on national television?

On the other hand, I like Mickelson because he's a fat slob. He basically is saying, "look, I am a millionaire and I have a hot-ass wife. My extra pounds don't affect my golf game. I can buy anything I want. I am above the law. So why would I bust my ass to look like a 'Men's Health' cover model? The only reasons guys (like that broke-ass Mark Bower) do that anyway is because they think it helps them get chicks and it strokes their little ego. Well I got the chicks and all the ego I will ever need. So screw it. Pass the bacon.'