Ancient Greece in a train station

The people that produce and create OMNIMAX movies need to simplify their formula. They have a 360 degree dome shaped screen that engulfs a human beings' complete vision range. Not even the far edges of a man's peripheral vision can escape the range of the screen. They also boast a state-of-the-art surround sound system. Those are the two attractions that bring people to these theatres: startling visual images and intense sounds. So why not play to your strengths?

I went to the OMNIMAX theatre this weekend to watch a film titled 'Ancient Greece'. The show went 45 minutes, and I was happy when it ended.

Don't mess around with these films. Hire helicopters and fancy cameras and film low-altitude, swooping shots of the landscape. Capture the vertical cliffs of the islands and the ocean waves crashing off of them. Fly over ancient ruins. Hover close to the limestone villages with pastel paint covering domed solariums and catch the locals waving while they look at the sunset on their patios. If you can find narrow canyons to navigate through, do that. Try to paint a picture of the majesty and sheer scope of a foreign country. And freak everyone out a couple times by almost slamming into the wall of a mountain. Easy stuff.

Top all of this off with some dramatic music filled with deep kettle drums and trumpets. And make sure the narrator (if you must have one - and I don't think they are necessary) has a deep, melodic voice. James Earl Jones is always good or the guy that does all the NFL Films features.

Instead, 'Ancient Greece' (like most OMNIMAX films), tries to incorporate a history lesson. This one touched on (and poorly) the mythical lost city of Atlantis and how the construction of the Parthenon bankrupted Athens. Too much of the film was spent in staged laboratories with researchers dusting off artifacts. What is worse is that they dumb down the content for the masses. The ‘History Channel’ for dummies.

For the narrators, they picked the actress from ‘My Big, Fat Greek Wedding’ and a Greek Scientist. Not exactly skilled orators. You can see the thought process: we can appeal to the generic movie-goer by using the only recognizable Greek actress on the planet and give the content some credibility by inserting a scientist. The actress inserted tired quips and the scientist laughed (forcibly) at his own jokes. Excruciating.

The Museum Center charges $4.50 for parking. I find that absurd (granted, you get $2.50 off one ticket to an OMNIMAX show with your parking receipt). I imagine the Cincinnati Arts are hurting for people traffic. There are just too many entertainment outlets. Still, many people braved the brutal 20 degree weather and traveled to Union Terminal just to be pimp-slapped with $4.50 parking. ‘Thank you for coming to the Museum Center and supporting the Arts of Cincinnati. We need your support. Oh, and f**k you.’

Why is it easier to complain than to praise?

The Ides of February

Mid-February. Waiting for inspiration is a stupid thing to do. I have a beard that I don't like but when I shave it off all I want is a beard. Sometimes I think I spend most of my waking hours eating food, preparing food or thinking about eating or preparing food. Coffee never tastes as good as it smells. Cigarettes always look cool in the movies and they seem like a good idea after midnight. I can't dribble a basketball with my left hand anymore. I am not sure if I am antsy because I am not content or if I am antsy because I am too content. I check my email way too much.

I am in a perpetual paradox. I want to hit the road but when I am on the road I want to be home. I want chaos and stability at the same time. A frenetic pace surrounded by calmness. I have everything but I don't have anything. I hate this paragraph.

This is the part of winter where I give up. I have fought the good fight for months and continued to brave the elements. I go to shows. Play basketball. I throw on layers and stomp along sidewalks. I get out. But yesterday the wind hit me hard in the face and it broke my spirit. I am hiding inside until it gets warm. Talk to me television. Talk to me.

I just checked my email again.

I take back all the nasty things I said about Valentine's Day. It's a good day. Flowers smell good. I called my mother twice at work and since I was her son they assumed this was some sort of emergency. She got to the phone quite flummoxed and I made a lousy joke about needing instructions for cooking asparagus before wishing her a happy Valentine's Day. That was fun. I got an 'I love you' out of the whole deal. Those don't get old.

I had champagne with my lady. Gift exchange. Rose pedals. My room looks like cupid exploded. It was good. And good is good.

There is a lottery pool at work. I am in said pool. 15 colleagues of mine put in $2 a week and the organizer, or whatever, buys 30 tickets. If we win, we split it 15 ways. I participate for one reason: fear. I fear not putting my $2 in one week and enduring the maniacal breakdown I would suffer by watching my cubicle people frolic in their gambling splendor. Every week, I glare at the man who collects the $2. Every week, he says 'hey man, you don't HAVE to play.' He usually covers me from week to week and then I pay him in lump sums. The only thing consistent with this arrangement is my overall gruff behavior. I don't know why I do certain things.

Oh Henry!

Cincinnati Bengals’ Wide Receiver Chris Henry is charged with three felony offenses, each of which contain the word 'firearm'. Not sweet. My favorite is 'improper exhibition of a firearm'. Awesome. I guess that means pointing a gun in a threatening manner towards a group of dudes on a street constitutes an 'improper exhibition'. This also implies that there is a 'proper' way to exhibit a firearm. Does this include firing a pistol into the air to ring in the New Year? Can I carry a gun around if it is in a holster? Can I point a gun at a friend if it is part of a hilarious prank? I am brimming with questions.

There are also a lot of questions surrounding Henry’s future status with the Bengals. I only have one: how is his knee? He was carried off the field in a first-round playoff game against Pittsburgh. How’s the rehab going? Will he be ready for training camp?

The guy is first-round talent with a middle-round contract. He’s fast. He has good hands. And he is the third receiver so he doesn’t have to think that much. He just has to run routes 20 times a game. Yes, he has a proclivity towards criminal behavior. Who cares? Nobody listens to the 3rd receiver. So what if he is not a ‘good’ person. I don’t care. I don’t care about any of our players, really. They are not my friends. I don’t have to hang out with them. I just want the orange and black to win on Sunday. And Chris Henry helps them do that. Hell, if we let him go, someone else is going to pick him up and if he finds success it will be a great feel-good story for a slow day on ESPN. If he messes up again, fine. Kick him off the team. No harm done. I think his contract will become void so it won’t affect the team’s salary cap.

The only thing I cannot forgive is the word that Henry was wearing his #15 Bengals jersey during his fateful night in Orange County. (not the ‘OC’, but the lamer Orange County of Florida) I just cannot believe that this is true. An athlete should only wear his own jersey, when not actually participating in a sanctioned professional contest, for three events:

1. Visiting Children’s Hospital
2. Filming commercial for local auto dealership
3. Media day before Super Bowl that athlete is playing in

Looks like a jersey to me...

There is no excuse to wear your own jersey out to a nightclub under any circumstances. None. If this turns out to be true, I order Marvin Lewis to kick him off the team immediately for an improper exhibition of your own jersey. I mean, come on. You have to set limits.