Ancient Greece in a train station

The people that produce and create OMNIMAX movies need to simplify their formula. They have a 360 degree dome shaped screen that engulfs a human beings' complete vision range. Not even the far edges of a man's peripheral vision can escape the range of the screen. They also boast a state-of-the-art surround sound system. Those are the two attractions that bring people to these theatres: startling visual images and intense sounds. So why not play to your strengths?

I went to the OMNIMAX theatre this weekend to watch a film titled 'Ancient Greece'. The show went 45 minutes, and I was happy when it ended.

Don't mess around with these films. Hire helicopters and fancy cameras and film low-altitude, swooping shots of the landscape. Capture the vertical cliffs of the islands and the ocean waves crashing off of them. Fly over ancient ruins. Hover close to the limestone villages with pastel paint covering domed solariums and catch the locals waving while they look at the sunset on their patios. If you can find narrow canyons to navigate through, do that. Try to paint a picture of the majesty and sheer scope of a foreign country. And freak everyone out a couple times by almost slamming into the wall of a mountain. Easy stuff.

Top all of this off with some dramatic music filled with deep kettle drums and trumpets. And make sure the narrator (if you must have one - and I don't think they are necessary) has a deep, melodic voice. James Earl Jones is always good or the guy that does all the NFL Films features.

Instead, 'Ancient Greece' (like most OMNIMAX films), tries to incorporate a history lesson. This one touched on (and poorly) the mythical lost city of Atlantis and how the construction of the Parthenon bankrupted Athens. Too much of the film was spent in staged laboratories with researchers dusting off artifacts. What is worse is that they dumb down the content for the masses. The ‘History Channel’ for dummies.

For the narrators, they picked the actress from ‘My Big, Fat Greek Wedding’ and a Greek Scientist. Not exactly skilled orators. You can see the thought process: we can appeal to the generic movie-goer by using the only recognizable Greek actress on the planet and give the content some credibility by inserting a scientist. The actress inserted tired quips and the scientist laughed (forcibly) at his own jokes. Excruciating.

The Museum Center charges $4.50 for parking. I find that absurd (granted, you get $2.50 off one ticket to an OMNIMAX show with your parking receipt). I imagine the Cincinnati Arts are hurting for people traffic. There are just too many entertainment outlets. Still, many people braved the brutal 20 degree weather and traveled to Union Terminal just to be pimp-slapped with $4.50 parking. ‘Thank you for coming to the Museum Center and supporting the Arts of Cincinnati. We need your support. Oh, and f**k you.’

Why is it easier to complain than to praise?