The Wedding Toast

I have given 3 toasts at weddings. They went well. And each performance was under different circumstances, for a different friend, for a different crowd. The results remained constant. So I fashion myself a semi-authority on providing advice for the feared and anticipated “Best Man Speech”.*

*This advice is gender specific, though I suppose it can be applied for most toasts. Though if I was a woman, I would not worry about preparation. Nobody cares about the maid of honor speech. It’s usually just a meld of crying and cliché compliments. Sorry.

Rule 1 – prepare. Whatever you do, don’t use the strategy of “I am just going to get drunk and wing it”. Unless you are Bill Murray or Don Rickles, it’s not going to work out. You will fall on your face and nobody will ever tell you how bad it really was.

Take 45 minutes out of your life and scratch out an outline. Here’s a simple example:

- Thank the parents for inviting everyone to share in their special day with their children
- Thank everyone for coming (bonus points for finding out the person who traveled the longest distance and mention them by name)
- Quick breakdown of your friendship with the groom
- Quick anecdote about the groom
- Quick anecdote on the couple (how they met, funny story)
- Sentimental transition
- Toast

Boom. 2-3 minutes. Sit down and shut up.

Rule 2 – Talk the speech out loud. There’s a lot of one liners floating around between the ears that are HI-larious. And that is where they should remain. You can filter out a lot of bad, boring and inappropriate shtick by listening to your own words. This will also help you get your timing and rhythm down. And if you finish and realize that 15 dreadful minutes just elapsed, it’s time to start slashing and burning.

Rule 3 – Make the speech universal. Do not use the jokes that are going to make your buddies’ laugh. They will be amused enough, watching your goofy ass sweat with a mic in your hand. Tell stories that are going to amuse the families. They paid for everything. Bag the inside jokes.

Rule 4 – Remember the lessons from speech class. Talk slow. Make eye contact. Move around a little bit. Keep the mic in front of your mouth. SLOW DOWN.

Rule 5 – Deflate your head. This is not your day. This is not your moment. This is not your audition tape for “Last Comic Standing”. Do not talk about yourself. Talk about the couple and keep it about them.

Rule 6 - The “Do Nots” –

- Do not cuss
- Do not get drunk before the speech
- Do not mention ex-girlfriends
- Do not roast the bride – keep your insults aimed at the groom
- Do not break out a fast-food toast like “May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future…” gross.

One last nugget. Most weddings ceremonies are held in a church, MC’d by a priest that does not know the couple from a bar of soap. This old man will break out a homily about marriage. He will do his best to drop a turd in the punch bowl by droning on about how difficult a marriage is and how there will dark, destitute times ahead.

Your instinct will be to launch into daydream. But I implore you to keep one ear open. The holy man is bound to say something you can use in your speech. This is your chance to use an inside joke that everyone will be in on.

Example: the last wedding I went to, one of the pope’s trainees was going on about the “heat” of marriage and love, and how it compares to a furnace. He loved that furnace analogy. I took note. As I wrapped up my speech, I said “To the bride and groom, and their love furnace…” Brought the house down. It’s that easy.