Level 3 Snow

“The battle against Mother Nature”

That is an actual headline that I saw this afternoon on local television, while a casual 2 inches of condensed water fell softly to the Cincinnati ground. That’s just disgusting dramatics. And typical of this town.

If any other city/town/territory in the Contintental U.S. gets more excited about the weather, I want to visit and slap the mayor. 15 minutes of every 22-minute news broadcast is devoted to climate conditions (the other 7 minutes being a hodgepodge of the daily murder, fire and tips to save money on your heating bill). Meteorologists are celebrities and have at their disposal NASA-level (is that a good thing anymore?) advanced technology and equipment. Radar. Doppler. Virtual weather machines with trending capability. Data prediction models. Explosives – just in case.

They know their audience. People in Cincy love themselves a good chat about the weather. If you were insane enough to navigate through the gloom and can report on the conditions of multiple neighborhoods and traffic affairs, you are an instant hero. Grown men will call sports talk radio and give an update on their surroundings – and the news is welcomed and appreciated. Every stinking conference call I have the misfortune of running into is christened by 5 minutes of weather shop talk. “How’s it where you are? Really? Oh man, it’s coming your way. I hope you bought canned goods and fire arms.”

Analysts predict “up to 10-inches of snow” by Saturday night in the tri-state area. If there is 3 inches of accumulation, I owe everyone and their mother a coke. I can imagine the frantic school board meetings and administrators making tough decisions on school closings. “Lives are at stake, people. Social Studies can wait until Monday!” All the while, the local stations hunker down into emergency coverage. There is no more news today worth talking about.

My cable man, scheduled to pump digital signals into my talking box, cancelled because the area is in a “Level 3 Snow Emergency”. Terrific. Now all I have are books and a view of bundled men clearing their sidewalks as their wives watch with concerned looks from the window. “My husband is a brave man. He risked his life today so that we could have a safe sidewalk. For that, we shall have tacos”.

I will spare you my rant about snow drivers. I will only say that unless you are in the Rose Parade, it is never acceptable to go 10 MPH. Ever.

So I guess you win this battle, Mommy Nature. Then again, you have given us all a fake crisis to complain and fret and babble about for the whole weekend. So maybe we win. Let’s just call it a draw.