Mark Damon Bower. Journal. Cincinnati.

2011 Reds Report

2011-04-16T23:12:00.001-04:00

Just like you should never go to the grocery hungry, it’s not healthy to prognosticate a Reds season after a 9-5 start. But I would like to think we have matured to big-boy baseball. The Reds are going to have winning weeks and they are going to have losing weeks. But they will have more of the former. And we need to strap it on and get ready for the grind.

The months of summer are going to be a battle but it feels like, for the first time, all signs point to October. Not that the Reds deserve, or have some destiny. It just seems like they belong there. And we will belong there - this time. And we all will be ready. So let’s talk about the path.

Position Players (with 2010 stats)

Joey Votto (.324, 37 hr, 113 rbi, 91 bb, 16sb, .424 obp, .600 slg, 1.024 ops) Remember when you collected baseball cards and you would look at somebody like Don Mattingly and drool at his awesome statistics and wonder why the Reds couldn’t have guys like that? Well, here you go. Complete and total beast. And besides the hitting, he gives you perfect defense and intelligent base running. If we were picking nits, you could site durability and craziness as concerns but the guy has averaged 146 games the past 3 years.

Brandon Phillips (.275, 18hr, 59rbi, 100r, 16 sb, .332 obp, .430 slg, .762 ops) Offensively, Phillips had a down year in 2010. Then again, his numbers always piss me off. 16 steals? That’s an atrocity for a man with his speed. .332 obp? Come on. That’s what you get with Phillips. He plays when he wants to play and he always tries to be the hero. But in the end, he is right in the middle of big games when you need something. And every contender has to have an asshole. He’s that. In a good way. Highest paid position player at 11.5M/per. You should know this.

Paul Janish (.260, 5hr, 25rbi, .338 obp, .385 slg, .723 ops) I will take these numbers from Janish every year until the end of time. He’s one of those old-timey 1980 shortstops that flashes that sweet leather but doesn’t light up a baseball card. Whatever. Not everyone is Jeter. Well, young Jeter. Keep it coming Janish. (HEY Phillips – Janish gets on base more than you. Thought you should know.)

Scott Rolen (.285, 20 hr, 83 rbi, .358 obp, .497 slg, .855 ops) Rolen was fantastic last year and is central to the Reds shift to an intelligent, consistent ball club. Unfortunately, Rolen died in mid-August and his corpse played the remainder of the season. And his corpse stinks. Now he’s a zombie. Now I like zombies, but they make me nervous in the hot corner. We’ll see. Dusty is going to have to handle with care and feed him human flesh as needed.

Jonny Gomes (.267, 20hr, 51 rbi, 85K, .338 obp, .541 slg, .879 ops) I guess every MLB team has to have that “wacky” guy that plays by his own rules. Fine Jonny, you get the trophy. That Mohawk is wild. I was thinking that he had a career year in 2010 but his numbers are fairly stable. He hits .260. He hits 20 bombs. And he will strike out 130 times. And they come in bunches. I guess that’s ok but when you watch him patrol left field it looks like he is wearing roller skates. I should say, he has walked 15 times already this season – only 39 total last year. Still, he’s expendable.

Drew Stubbs (.255, 22hr, 77 rbi, 30 sb, 168K, .329 obp, .444 slg, .773 ops) This guy was built in a Texas baseball lab. 6’ 4”, 200. Perfect stance. Perfect mechanics. He’s a cyborg. He’s also a strikeout machine, fanning 168 times. That’s not what you want from you leadoff guy. Or any guy, Adam Dunn. And man does he seem hesitant on the base paths for a guy with Terminator 2 speed. Almost terrified. But for a player who hit in the 1 and 8 spot, his numbers are legit. And he was superb in CF, never making a SportCenter play because he was settled under the ball when others would be diving. I hate having a guy that Ks so much at the leadoff but the Reds have no better options. Besides, the Reds haven’t had a real leadoff guy in years so who are we to get snooty?

Jay Bruce (.281, 25 hr, 70 rbi, 136 k, .353 obp, .493 slg .846 ops) He’s what you want from a right fielder. Power. Big arm. And the Reds have paid him hefty (in Cincy money) to lock that position down. And he comes to play. I get upset because his swing is loopy and has some serious holes. He looks overmatched sometimes. A good pitcher throws him curve balls in, on the dirt, and he swings through them. I don’t trust him in a big situation. And for what the Reds are paying him, that doesn’t add up.

Ryan Hannigan/Ramon Hernandez (.300, 12 hr, 88 rbi – COMBINED STATS) This is how you employ a catching tandem. If you don’t have Johnny Bench, you get a veteran South American who speaks Spanish that can handle the Cuetos/Volquezs/Chapmans (VERY underrated tactical move) and a scrapper that plays smart ball. These guys hit in the clutch and manage the game. I LOVE this crew. They don’t get enough credit.

Bench

· Chris Heisey – if Gomes goes on one of his funks, and we will, Heisey could be the starting LF by the break. In fact, that would be a good thing. Heisey is good. And a Heisey/Stubbs/Bruce OF is the best defensively in baseball.

· Miguel Cairo – This has to be a fake name. I bet he always has trouble coming through customs. 1985 Mel Gibson slits this guy’s throat. Oh, and he is a great backup to zombie Rolen.

· Juan Francisco – He’s the free swinging youngster that is green but can hit the pill a long way, but makes mistakes and Ks a bunch I’m fine with that.

· Edgar Renteria – why not. MVP of a world series, on the cheap.

Pitching

Edison Volquez (4-3, WHIP 1.50, ERA 4.31) Just not a fan. If this is the Reds ace, then October is going to be a problem. Have you looked at this man? Imagine a professional like Greg Maddux, slopping out to the field with a uniform too big, a VW chain hanging off his neck, woman hair, and a ball cap that rests on said hair by a miracle of science. Maddux would KILL HIMSLELF before appearing in public in such a fashion. That’s your boy. Volquez is a nightmare. All the man cares about is strike outs. He nibbles, and nibbles, and puts the Reds in early holes. I know his stuff is filthy but I don’t believe in his soul. Unless this man has a complete adjustment (really, impossible), he will never be a number 1.

Bronson Arroyo (17-10, WHIP 1.15, 3.80) Get out of the way, I am about to gush. Bronson Arroyo has been the singular professional of this organization since 2006. 72-60. Not the sexiest record but the man comes to pitch every start, every AB. He is at his best on the stage. He’s the guy you want pitching when the Reds have lost 4 in a row. He will always deliver a skilled show. Just an athletic man that makes up for not having a thunderbolt arm with guile and guts and intelligence. The fact that the Reds got him for Wily Mo Pena makes that Volquez/Hamilton trade somewhat less nauseating.

Travis Wood (L) (5-4, WHIP 1.08, ERA 3.51) When I see Wood as the starter, I assume a victory. He doesn’t deserve all of that, but I like the Reds chances when he is on the bump. He gives us that. Or at least he gives me that. Wood throws strikes and he doesn’t screw around. Attack the strike zone and if they hit you, so be it. And he’s the first quality lefty the Reds have had since Tom Browning. Look it up.

Johnny Cueto (12-7, WHIP 1.28, ERA 3.64) Oh, awesome, another puffy Dominican. This always works out. He can be great at times. But he gets flustered, and will crumble on the mound. It’s all about the strike zone with him. If he can place on the edges, he can pitch a gem. If teams are patient, trouble.

Homer Bailey (4-3, WHIP 1.37, ERA 4.46) He could be the key to the season. He’s the only angular Reds arm that could become a bona fide power pitcher. He throws downhill and is a guy you could see ripping of 7 2/3 innings in October.

Mike Leake (8-4, WHIP 1.50, ERA 4.23) The darling of 2010. He looks 14, he went to college, and he can swing the bat. That’s a good recipe in Cincinnati. He can’t throw over 90 but he understands the nuances of changing speeds and location. However, if he is not getting the calls on the black, he does not have an “out” pitch and is subject to beatings.

Bullpen

· Same LeCure – He’ll probably be back in Louisville when Cueto/Bailey return but he has been the 2^nd best starter in 2011. This is a good problem – no one has stockpiled arms on the sneak like the Reds since David Koresh (borrowed joke). I feel good when LeCure starts and he might be in AAA by May. This is good.

· Bill Bray (L) – His goatee makes him look like his evil twin in a bad soap opera. Bray looks terrible in his uniform – dump and doughy city. But his herky jerky motion plays well in relief efforts. It looks like Dusty trusts him.

· Aroldis Chapman (L) – I kind of like the Missile in the pen. That means you can see him 4 times a week. I watch him with matching levels of awe and fear. His fastball is dead straight and he doesn’t seem to handle adversity. But then he can throw 105 and snap an evil slider. So, hang on.

· Francisco Cordero – I guess I am over the Coco hate. I have zero comfort-ability with him in a 1-run game and have grown to live with this taint. We will remember the 6 games he blows and forget the 40 he saves. And that’s how it is when you are a closer.

· Matt Maloney (L) – another guy that can make a spot start and you feel like the Reds could win. Love me some depth!

· Nick Masset – It can’t help a shaky pitcher when 3 of your teams first four losses are on you. Apparently Masset has great “stuff”. That’s not getting us those losses reversed. If he can’t get it together the fact that the Reds let Sir Arthur Rhodes go will be a serious organizational blunder.

· Logan Ondrusek – Every bullpen has to have either a big fat guy or a large physical oddity. Enter LG. He’s 6’ 8”, ugly, awkward. Perfect. And he can dial it up too.

· Jordan Smith – Another Reds arm that has some action. Remember the Weathers/Danny Herera years? A bunch of soft-tossers “pitching to contact”? Those years are ove

Coaching

So I read Moneyball this offseason. It’s all about how statistics and trends are proving that the industry standard methods of operating a baseball team are antiquated and incorrect. Batting average and RBI are no longer the gold standard in statistics. On-base percentage and slugging pct reign superior. Wins for pitchers? Grow up. You need to know what their WHIP is.

That brings us to Dusty. Opening day 2011. The Brew Crew puts up 3 in the first inning. Volquez was super shaky. It was apparent that the Reds would need to score a high number of runs to win. So in the bottom of the first, Drew Stubbs leads off with a double. Brandon Phillips steps to the plate. And Dusty has him bunt so Stubbs can advance to third.

This is a tactically terrible decision. Each team gets 27 outs. There is no clock in baseball, making these opportunities the only commodity in baseball. And having Phillips bunt is sacrificing a precious resource. And for what? Stubbs is already in scoring position! Phillips is one of your best hitters! And it is the first damn inning! Why detonate a rally? Why give a pitcher an out?

And that is the Duster. He’s old school. He manages by “the book”, by a hunch, and by seniority. That means he will always choose a lefty v righty, regardless of statistics. He will always wait to pitch the setup man until the 8^th, and the closer will never see the bump until the 9^th. But then there is the rub. I have NEVER seen the Cincinnati Reds play this hard, this clean, and this intelligent since 1990. So something works. So I guess can live with the stupid, terrible bunts.

Overview

The Reds are in good hands. The Reds have finally shaken off the bad breath of Marge Schott and Jim Bowden. The Reds have prospects. The Reds develop within. The Reds players that come up through the system play the game right. These axioms were not true a few years ago. The Castellinis want to win, and the GM Walt Jockety has the patience and guile to make it work. And the resolve to not make the trigger move. The Reds did NOT sign a hot free agent this winter. That was intelligent.

The offense hinges on two players: Bruce and Stubbs. All other players will either maintain (Votto, Phillips) or take expected declines (Rolen, Hernandez). Bruce and Stubbs are the guys that need to raise. Stubbs needs to be patient, get on base, and attack the pillows (2 of 3 are happening). Bruce needs to become viable in big boy ABs. Work in progress.

The Reds have a pitching staff that is going to force management to make hard decisions. If LeCure is still humming, is he sent down when Cueto returns? How much rope do we give Volquez? Cueto? Hell, nobody is safe. Every pitcher is expendable. There is a competitive zest with this staff that belies their pedigree. The Reds will win on their depth and flexibility.

Outlook

Somehow, track and field analogies fit perfect for baseball. The Reds are built for the marathon, not the sprint. The Reds have 7 viable starters, but no hammer. Is there a Red pitcher that can throw a big-boy playoff game? Are the Reds ready for big-boy baseball?

I think the Reds win another weak division, with 2 more wins. 93-69. And this time the Reds make it to the NLCS before falling to the wretched Phillies.

Let’s go Reds. We’ve been patient. Win.

2010 MLB Playoff Preview

2010-10-05T14:37:00.004-04:00

I have no idea how to watch and follow a playoff baseball team. I grew up in Columbus, so my style as a fan, in all sports, was groomed by college football. Every game is a season changer. The wins are dizzying, the losses devastating. Heaven or horror. In football, you have a week between games to take fluids and balance dopamine levels. By Wednesday the outcome has settled in, the fury has burned off and reason takes back the controls. Saturday afternoons begin anew.

The luxury of time does not exist in baseball. 162 games and they just keep coming. (It’s absurd, really. We need 160+ games to figure out who the best 8 teams are?) There is no time to bathe in a comeback win or wallow in an extra-inning loss because tomorrow’s day game is in 14 hours. You have to hit the reset button every night.

I don’t handle this well. I have already written the Reds 2010 eulogy… in April. I have sent at least 30 “season over” texts and a handful of “I hate the Reds”. My dad and I have evaporated cell phone minutes with conversations on how the ball club has “ruined everything”. On other days, the Reds are the greatest modern professional sporting outfit in the history of the galaxy. I make World Series hotel plans in New York, Texas, Tamp Bay. I will scream “bunt” and “situational hitting” in the heat of passion. And once, I was convinced that the Cincinnati bullpen should invade North Korea.

And the baseball season is long - longer if your team actually wins games. In the past decade, you could check out on the Reds season once the Independence Day fireworks finished. 3 months and you’re out. Meaningful baseball in August? September? OCOTOBER?!? That’s drunk talk. But here we are. It’s like I trained to run the neighborhood 5K and now I am in mile 25 of the Boston Marathon. Everything south of my belly is numb, my nipples are bleeding, I am seeing triple and I desperately need to go to the bathroom but have forgotten how.

Now, the Reds won the title in 1990 and made it to the NLCS in 1995, so you would think I would have some experience. But those years don’t count. In ‘90 I lived in Columbus and my parents had basic cable. I saw the Reds on TV twice until the playoffs rolled around. I listened to them while helping my dad do yard or basement or garage stuff, but I was disconnected. (I was always under silent protest when helping my father. I was a lazy pig of a boy and hated all forms of work. In a related story, I bragged the other day to a friend of mine because I used spackling. I am 33 years old). 1995 does not count either, because that was the summer after my senior year in high school and all I did was drink and act a fool. Baseball is a big boy sport.

So I am a playoff baseball rookie. A novice. I do not know how I am going to consume the Reds playoff games or how they will consume me. Wednesday’s game starts for me at 2pm. Do I take a half day? Should I shower up for the game? Are beers in play? Do I dare watch one of these in public? I am lost. What if Reds win the first 2? Lose the first 2? I don’t know what is worse – the fact that the Reds have to lose 3 times to be eliminated or that they actually have to beat Philly 3 times. I feel ill.

Considering my meager credentials, my playoff prediction should be received with scrutiny and even scorn. Here we go:

NLDS – Cincinnati Reds (NL Central Champ) vs. Philadelphia Phillies (NL East Champ)

Just a nightmare matchup for the Reds. Pitching rules the playoffs, and the Reds are going to face two legitimate hammers in Roy Halladay (who the Reds actually beat 4-3 in June) and Roy Oswalt (historic Red killer who is 0-2, 6.75 vs. Cincy in 2010). The Roys are big time pitchers that are good for 7+ innings, scattering 6 hits. It’s just the way it is. Every AB, every base runner, every chance is precious for the Reds. And while Cincy led the NL in runs, they got fat and bloated lighting up the Astros and Cubs. In the playoffs, teams need to scratch out hits, work walks, attack the base paths, get a couple clutch hits and win 3-2. That’s not how the Reds do things.

Even when the Reds would light the scoreboard up with 8+ runs, the box score would tell a different story. In those games, the Reds would explode with a 5-6 run inning. Except for that crooked number, a lot of zeroes. You don’t get those big innings in the playoffs. I just don’t see how the Reds are going to squeeze runs out of the Phillies. Other than Votto, the Reds have few contact hitters and fewer that will dare try to steal a base. There are a lot of strike outs in the Reds lineup and I fear a parade (starring Phillips, Bruce, Gomes, Stubbs) of slow walks back to the dugout. Easy innings.

Meanwhile, the Reds are wheeling out Edison Volquez in Game 1. I credit Dusty Baker for going with the hot hand, but this is a guy who had Tommy John surgery 14 months ago and was pitching in A ball in SEPTEMBER. And this was not a rehab assignment – he just stunk. How is this man going to respond in the cruel environs of Philly? Game 2 brings Bronson Arroyo, flicking his 80-mph Frisbees at the lefty-heavy Philly lineup. Yikes. I like the Reds bullpen, but not if it has to start warming up in the 4^th inning.

Games 3? 4? 5? I don’t think it matters. The Reds fight the good fight in game 3, down 2-0 in the series, and have a lead late before falling to the eventual 2010 World Series champs.

Phillies in 3

But remember, baseball is for big boys. You have to crawl before you can walk. The Reds have a bunch of young arms and flexibility with their payroll. This team is built to succeed for the next 3-4 years. The Reds are going to take their playoff lumps this October and be stronger for it.

We all will be. Next year, we will prepare ourselves for a 6-month season and pace ourselves accordingly. A 3-game losing streak will not kill us, just like a 5-game winning streak will not cause us to leave our families and follow the Reds like the Grateful Dead. And come April 2011, we will be ready for the marathon. And remember to buy pasties to protect your nipples from chaffing.

Red Hot Reds Retraction

2010-07-07T19:29:00.004-04:00

On April 18, 2010 after being swept by the putrid Pittsburgh Pirates (alliteration alert!) and falling to 5-8 I decided that the Reds season was over. Maybe a little premature. But at the time, the season had that all too familiar stink of a 70-win turd sandwhich. But here we are. 48-37, first place in the NL Central by 2 games. The Reds are in the battle and should be there all year. The Reds done rose up. The least I could do is examine how we got here.

(And for the record, the best time to write a mid-season analysis of the Reds is following a loss. It provides the right balance of pessimism and unfounded crazy prognostications. Let’s do this.)

Top 6 Reasons the Reds are in First

1. Starting Pitching Depth

The ERA numbers are not great, and the Reds don’t have a hammer like Carpenter or Halladay, but they are a diverse group that eats innings and keeps the Reds in games. Arroyo, who can’t top 93 MPH on the radar gun, has turned himself into a staff ace with pure guile and an assortment of breaking stuff and arm angles. He will still puke up a 4-run inning, but he always comes up big when the Reds are on a losing streak and fields his position with grace. Cueto is inefficient and maddening, but always seems to wiggle out of trouble and get through 6 innings. Leake was the darling, though is fading a bit as his rookie arm tires and the NL teams figure him out. Harang is fat and no longer a #1 but he can still eat innings and will get stronger as the season rolls on. And then you have a mixed bag of rookie Travis Wood, fresh off surgery/suspension Volquez, the curious Homer Bailey and Chapman, The Cuban Missile. Options are a good thing. The Reds have even been rumored to be in the mix for Cliff Lee (he pitched 9 shutout innings against the Reds in the forgettable Seattle series). The Reds had never had this much pitching. Giggle.

2. Defense

After a decade of watching Griffey’s corpse and Adam Dunn shuffle after baseballs, I forgot you could win games with defense. The Reds have past, present and future gold gloves all over the field. And when Arroyo is pitching, the Reds have the best defensive infield in the NL. You can attribute close to 10 wins that were saved by the Reds turning double plays in crucial situations. And while baseball is an individual game, the defense is making the Reds a team. With the level of play so high, guys can’t pout after poor ABs – they get their heads straight and strap their gloves on. And the pitchers don’t have to be perfect. They know they have 8 behind them ready to track down the seed.

3. Clutch Hitting

How many runners were left to expire on base this last decade? How many times did the Reds get men into scoring position, only to string strikeouts together to end the inning? Painful memories. This year, the Reds lead the majors in batting (.288 AVG) with runners in scoring position. The Reds are just as good with two outs. These are the ABs that win ball games. Unless you are the Pirates, every team gets around 8-9 hits a game. So it’s not really how many hits you get, it’s when you get them. And the Reds are delivering when it counts.

4. NL Central

This division sucks. The Astros and Pirates are two of the worst teams in all of baseball (the Pirates might be the worst). The Cubs are a train wreck, and may start selling off all their guys. The Brewers are not as dramatic as the Cubs, but their fire sale is not far behind. 61 games against those teams. That leaves a St. Louis team that is a little worn down and not as good as they have been in years past. Only one team to beat in a 6-team division. I like those odds.

5. Baseball IQ

I am not sure how a baseball team gets smarter, but the 2010 Reds look like Mensa members compared to past years. It could be the right mix of savvy veterans (Rhodes, Cordero, Arroyo, Harang, Rolen, Cabrerra) and receptive youth. Maybe it’s coaching. Maybe it’s my Reds reports. Whatever it is, the Reds have intelligent Abs, seem to understand situational hitting (getting bunts down, sacrifice flies) and don’t get picked off on the base paths. On defense, the Reds talk to each other, throw to the right bags and play tight baseball.

6. Star Power

The Reds are enjoying breakout/career years from key players. Here are the studs:

Scott Rolen, 3B

I hated the Reds when they signed Rolen. I thought it was an empty move in a lost season (2009) and we would be paying an old man to sit of the disabled list for the remainder of his career. This is why I am not a GM. Rolen has brought a mature presence to the clubhouse, a big time right handed bat, and flawless play at 3^rd. Most importantly, he ended the Encarnacion nightmare. Rolen is a beast. And it’s a shame we are in the steroid era because now any time a 35+ year old does ANYTHING I assume they are getting daily injections from Jose Canseco.

Brandon Phillips, 2B

This guy has been shifted around the batting order (4^th, 2^nd, 3^rd, 1^st)and he just keeps hitting. For me, he’s become the player I always wanted him to be. He seems to have cut down on his monster cartoon hacks (where he spins around like a top) and is now a .300 hitter that sprays doubles around the field while annoying pitchers on the base paths. His defense is simply outstanding. Crazy range with a shortstop’s arm. And I like that he is a hot dog. You got to have a dusting of asshole in your clubhouse soufflé.

Arthure Rhodes, RP

“Arthur Rhodes does what Arthur Rhodes does” – Marty Brenneman, 2010. And that is put up zeros. The guy, at age 40, tied a major-league record with 33 straight appearances without giving up a run. That is phenomenal. Cordero gets the save stats, but Sir Arthur has rescued the Reds collective butts all year.

Joey Votto, 1B

He’s become the team star, and is in the top-5 in all the sexy offensive categories. You can even say “Votto” and “triple crown” in the same sentence and not sound ridiculous. He has a great eye, has power to all fields and is the fearsome presence a team needs in their 3-hole batter. His hitting is so good you forget that his defense is stellar as well. He was born to play first base. Now let’s just hope that his anxiety medicine keeps working and he stops getting thrown out of games in the first inning.

Jay Bruce, RF

Bruce has improved himself by degrees at the plate. Lefties used to dust off the Adam Dunn playbook and kill him with looping breaking balls outside of the strike zone. Bruce doesn’t swing at that crap anymore. He picks his spots, will flick the ball to left field and has the pop to barrel a mistake when they come. He can get blown away with a decent fastball, but his metamorphous is still impressive. Bruce also boasts deceptive speed, has great range for a right fielder and has a cannon arm.

Playoffs?

With this division and the Reds depth at pitching, it hard to see the Reds completely falling off the cliff. 92 wins gets you the NL Central. That has the Reds going 44-33 the rest of the way out. How do they do that? These could help:

1. Effectively manage and juggle the current rotation and the capable replacements. This is not exactly Dusty’s strong suit, and there are a lot of variables in this equation:

· Mike Leake’s rookie season. He has been brilliant, but has never pitched more that 150 innings in a year. When do you shut him down? Do you move him to the bullpen?

· Edison Volquez coming off of Tommy John. Is he ready? What will he give you?

· Travis Wood’s rookie season. Same rules as Leake.

· Aroldis Chapman. Does he have the control to actually start a major league game? Does he help the bullpen? Do you even bring him up?

· Aaron Harang’s big, fat contract. If he pitches well, can you deal him? Dare you deal him?

· Clifford Lee. Is this signing a pipe dream?

2. Keep Scott Rolen healthy

3. Save Arthur Rhodes’ arm

4. Teach Drew Stubbs to bunt

5. Make sure Votto takes his meds

6. Get Hannigan healthy so we don’t have to see Corky Miller in the lineup

So here we are. The Reds are in first place on the eve of the All-Star break. St. Louis looks shaky. Meaningful baseball is in play for Autumn. I haven’t even thought about the football season yet. I don’t turn Reds’ games off when they are down a couple runs. I am able to watch and enjoy “Baseball Tonight”. There are road games in August/September that I am planning trips for. I am peeking at other scores, and sizing up the teams in the NL. This is fun.

I would ask the Reds forgiveness for my early season dismissal, but I have pumped considerable cash into their crappy ballpark and have endured a decade of failures and foolishness. So let’s call it even. Just get us to October, Reds.

2010 Reds Eulogy

2010-04-18T16:53:00.002-04:00

I had some requests (there was one) for my annual Reds preview. And you just can’t disappoint your fan base (again, one). But instead of writing a Reds 2010 preview 13 games into the season, I will stay ahead of the curve and write their 2010 eulogy. Because this season is over.

I heard Marty Brenneman before the season gush that he was more excited about this Reds club than any one he has announced for in years. After I combusted from every orifice in excitement and wrecked my car into a taco stand, I had time to think about the Reds lineup while waiting for the authorities. The left side of the infield starts two old men (3B, Rolen – 35 and ss, Cabrera – 35) and the right side boasts a prima donna (Phillips) and a head case (Votto). The catcher is a semi-old man (Hernandez – 33) that has averaged only 106 starts in the last 3 years. The outfield boasts third year “phenom” RF Jay Bruce who batted .220 last year (.159 so far this year) and the other two spots have been platoons with career backups (Gomes, Nix, Dickerson) and a not-yet-ready Drew Stubbs. Not exactly the Big Red Machine II.

But really, we don’t need to break down the Reds position by position. There are simple, recurring themes that always surface. The telltale moments that make the Reds fan mutter “same old Reds”.

I was listening to the Reds play St. Louis a couple weeks ago – the class of the NL Central. Johnny Cueto, a talented pitcher with a bright future (if Dusty Baker doesn’t saw his arm off), pitched a 1-2-3 inning. Great news, right? Let’s dig deeper. Cueto was facing the 8-9-1 batters in the Cardinals lineup. It took him 25 pitches to get through the frame. He had to throw 10 the PITCHER. Meanwhile, Cardinal ace Adam Wainwright only needed 10 pitches to blow through the meat of the Reds order (3-Votto, 4-Philips, 5-Rolen) on their turn.

That one inning can tell you everything you need to know about the Reds (and the Cardinals). The Reds starters are a bunch that are just bad enough. They pitch admirably in the tiny Reds ballpark and keep them in most games. But they are not electric. They don’t attack the strike zone. They nibble and limp their way through painful, 10-pitch ABs. Few Reds starters make it to the 6^th inning. So now you have your bullpen having to complete 4 innings a game. And while they are a solid and varied bunch, it’s too much to ask. The pen will be done by July. And so will the Reds.

That brings us to the offense. In that same inning, you have the Reds best hitters coming to the plate. They are a veteran group. They KNOW Cueto just labored through an inning and needs a rest. And they come up hacking at first pitches, swinging at balls in the dirt, and turning themselves into easy outs. A week later, the Reds faced notoriously wild Cubs closer Carlos Marmol down a run. Instead of forcing him to throw strikes, Cincy batters came up lunging at balls as he breezed to his first save. The most succinct way I could sum up the Reds offense is that they make it easy on the opposition.

And those are the 2010 Reds. Or the 2004 Reds. Or the 2008 Reds. Interchangeable parts for what will be a forgettable season in the lost decade that is 2000-2010. The Reds lack baseball IQ, clutch performers and overall talent. Same old story. On defense, they don’t have the pitchers that can challenge and complete 7 innings. On offense, they don’t work counts, they don’t attack the base paths, they don’t hit with runners in scoring position and they hit more pop-ups than any modern baseball team (unconfirmed).

The Reds have 5 wins this year. All 5 were comebacks, 4 of which were in their last AB. That’s fun and stuff, but not a good method for winning on a consistent basis. In each win, the Reds either had a sparkling pitching performance or hit multiple home runs with runners on base. The Reds continue to wait around for the 3-run bomb. And when it doesn’t come, they lose. And I am not asking that they manufacture every run with a single, steal, bunt and sacrifice. How about a string of hits? A couple singles and a double? Maybe a walk? Take a look at a Reds box score sometime. You will see zeroes strung together. Scoring droughts are the norm. Easy innings filled with strike outs and pop ups. The defense never sweats.

But the Reds do have some pop and young pitching. Maybe Edison Volquez comes back and gives them a boost. Maybe Homer Bailey turns into the pitcher we want him to be. Maybe Drew Stubbs starts getting on base and becomes a bona fide leadoff man. Either way you shake it up, the Reds will play in the mud with the other half good/half crappy NL Central teams (Chicago, Houston, Pittsburgh, Milwaukee) and hover around .500. Meanwhile, St. Louis will cruise along (the team the Reds want to be) and distance themselves by 2-3 more games a month.

You end up with a sub-80 win Reds team that will miss the playoffs for the 15^th straight year. Sounds familiar. When does football start?

Lessons Learned

2009-10-26T00:50:00.000-04:00

1. Cincinnati is the best city ever.
2. You do not want this.
3. Jay Cutler either has a small forehead or wears his helmet like a special person
4. The difference between 45 and 10 is 35. Or 5 touchdowns. Or 11 field goals and a safety.
5. Carson Palmer is better looking than you.
6. Ced Benson just needed to be in a good place. Like the Queen City. Or as Jesus calls it, heaven.
7. The Bears owe the Bengals a thank you and a bunt cake for getting a free lesson on how to play football .
8. The Cincinnati Bengals are the greatest team ever and the only reason they have 2 losses is because they chose to lose.
9. The Bengals can rid the world of evil and litter.
10. Super Bowls are not won in October. Except today. When it was.

Bowie 2009 Reds Scouting Report

2009-04-05T23:55:00.002-04:00

Everyone likes to look back in time and say “I called that”. Especially if the “call” was a long shot, unexpected or seemingly crazy. That’s a big reason why I have read no less than 10 baseball previews claiming that the 2009 Cincinnati Reds could be “This year’s Tampa Bay Rays”. Proceed with caution. If you look hard enough, you could probably find a novel’s worth of articles on 10 other “sleeper” teams. Regardless, there is a mild consensus that the Reds have the talent and appropriate mix to be a factor. Or as Bobby Knight once said, the Reds “are in position to be in position”. Let’s get in on.

Opening Day batting order

1. Jerry Hairston Jr. lf
2. Darnell McDonald cf*
3. Joey Votto 1b
4. Brandon Phillips 2b
5. Jay Bruce rf
6. Edwin Encarnacion 3b
7. Ramon Hernandez c
8. Alex Gonzalez ss
9. Aaron Harang p

*Projected starter Wily Taveras has the flu, so McDonald gets the start. McDonald could be sitting on my sofa right now and I would have no idea who he is.

Pitching (2008 statistics in parenthesis)

Aaron Harang (6-17, 4.78 ERA, 184.1 IP, 153 SO) – It’s a bit sobering when you step back and see that the Reds opening day starter lost 17 games the previous season. I guess the electronic pitching machine was not available. All will be forgotten if Harang returns to his 2006/07 form, when he won 16 games in back-to-back seasons. At least the man came to camp in shape this year (he’s dropped at least 40 lbs) and looks like an athlete.

Edinson Volquez (17-6, 3.21 ERA, 196.0 IP, 206 SO) – We should all chip in and send a gift basket to the Netherlands for knocking out the DR in the World Baseball Classic. Otherwise, Volquez would have racked up more full speed starts and set himself up for a disastrous ’09. I would take a repeat of last year right now. I expect a regression. He tired last year, with a 4.60 ERA after the break. He tries to strike everybody out, so he racks up the pitch count. I hope Dusty doesn’t burn his arm.

Bronson Arroyo (15-11, 4.77 ERA, 200 IP, 163 SO) – Arroyo kind of looks like one of those long-necked, female equestrian riders. Which is ironic, because he is in fact the horse. Arroyo has racked up over 200 innings in each of the last 4 seasons. That’s strong. What’s not strong is that he might start the season on the DL because of Carpal Tunnel from writing song lyrics. And the songs all suck. Assuming he shakes this off, he’ll throw another 200 and win about 12 games. I also just found out he was born on the exact same day as a girl I dated years ago. And he was born in Key West. I have no idea what to do with this information.

Johnny Cueto (9-14, 4.81 ERA, 174 IP, 158 SO) – He was supposed to be the rookie star, after destroying Arizona in his first start (7 IP, 1 ER, 10 SO). But he returned to earth and Volquez soared. Regardless, Cueto got invaluable experience last year and didn’t tax his arm with a reasonable 174 innings. I think he out-pitches Volquez this year.

Micah Owings (6-9, 5.93 ERA, 104.2 IP, 87 SO) – He’s what we got for Adam Dunn. I like him already. His 2008 record is a bit deceiving – we finished 0-7 after his shoulder started bothering. His shoulder has been repaired and he has been nasty in Spring (3-1, 1.52 ERA, 23.2 IP, 24 SO). The Reds considered converting him to the outfield, because he has a monster bat (.319 career BA). Some think he might have the most power on the team and could be the DH when the Reds are in interleague play. I am more excited to see him than anybody.

Bullpen

Francisco Cordero had a terrible 2008 season. He blew some critical games when the direction of the season was still in doubt. The excuses ranged from an arm injury to “he didn’t have enough chances”. Whatever. He’s sucking up almost 10% of the Reds team salary so if doesn’t have a monster year, I might have to complain loudly and write him a stern letter. Jared Burton is a stud righty and a solid 8th inning guy. He’s the next closer, if the Reds can hang on to him. David Weathers is the crafty veteran, and little Danny Herrera (5’ 6”) is the left-hand specialist.

Outfield

Yes friends, the Griffey-Dunn era has ended. Not that these lovelies have left our lives. I got to watch Kenny’s fat butt waddle around in a celebrity golf tournament a few weeks ago and caught the Donkey striking out 3 times (with men on) in the deciding game of the WBC. Giggle. We’ll try to get on with out them. This year’s unit promises less power and fewer balls that roll through the gaps to the wall. Youth, speed and defense. Why not?

Jerry Hairston Jr. (.326 BA, .384 OBP, 15 SB) – Every season, the Reds seems to have one journeyman have a career year. Enter Hairston. He was the catalyst in 2008 – the Reds were 27-18 in the games he started and was a lightning rod at the top of the order before he went out with an injury July 13. He’s 32, and has a career BA of .260. Hope for the best but don’t count on it. He’ll platoon with Chris Dickerson. He can also fill in at SS and 2B.

Chris Dickerson (.304 BA, 6HR, 15 RBI, 5 SB, 104 AB) – He’s young, big and fast. But what can you expect from a guy with 104 career ABs? His average was good in spring (.323), but he struck out at an alarming rate (once every 3 ABs). He’ll start against righties. And for you hippies, he manages a website dedicated to living “green”.

Wily Taveras (.251 BA, .308 OBP, 68 SB, 79 SO) – He’s the Reds new leadoff guy who has trouble getting on base. That’s like having a pitcher who has trouble throwing a ball. He still led the majors, by a considerable margin, in stolen bases despite his poor plate performance. The guy could steal 100 bases if he mixed in some draG bunts and pushed his .OBP to .350. I’m not expecting much. Look for Hairston to get some time out there and a mid-season call up of Drew Stubbs.

Jay Bruce (.254 BA, .314 OBP, 21 HR, 52 RBI) – Solid rookie campaign. He seemed to catch the “entitlement” rash from Griffey and Dunn. There were times Bruce did not hustle and seemed to go through the motions - unacceptable for a rookie trying to make it in the bigs. I hope he got a salve for that and applied liberally.

Infield

Edwin Encarnacion (.251 BA, .340 OBP, 26 HR, 68 RBI) – The man just won’t let me love him. And I want to. He can hit in the clutch. He can hit for power. He can rake left-handed pitching. He can rack up the web gems when he’s concentrating. I’ve seen it! He can also lose games by himself with critical (often ghastly) errors and failing at the plate with runners in scoring position. I have never seen a man pop-out on the infield so many times. Impressive, if it wasn’t terrible. I’m giving him one more year. I want 90 RBI and less than 15 errors. Bring the pain, EE.

Alex Gonzalez (2007 stats - .272 BA, .325 OBP, 16 HR, 55 RBI) – It’s been a long time since we’ve seen him. I hope he doesn’t resurrect his career BA of .248. His return is supposed in instantly bolster the defense. However, I never remember him making any “wow” plays back in ’07. I am convinced that certain players get tagged with a reputation and no amount of poor/superior play will change that. So there.

Brandon Phillips (.261 BA, .312 OBP, 21 HR, 78 RBI, 23 SB) – I like Phillips. He plays with a cocky assuredness and passion. Though I fear that 30/30 season was the worst thing that could happen to him. I don’t mind an aggressive, free-swinger. But BP hacks from the heels. There is no reason he should not bat .290 with 15 HR and 50 SB. But he tasted 30 bombs and he wants that number. Batting cleanup won’t help.

Joey Votto (.297 BA, .368 OBP, 24 HR, 84 RBI, .506 SLG) – Just a monster rookie season, Votto emerged as the best hitter on the team. And he may be the star. Thank you, Canada. Votto and Bruce have a friendly, competitive rivalry brewing and should push each other into the next decade. You know, until the point when the Reds can’t afford them anymore. (sobbing quietly)

Ramon Hernandez (.257 BA, .308 OBP, 15 HR, 65 RBI) – The Reds swapped Ryan Freel to the Orioles for Hernandez. (yayy Jockety!) He’s a steady catcher, with a career .263 BA. He’s durable, averaging over 125 games a season behind the dish. He got the “lazy” tag, towards the end of his tenure in Baltimore. Hopefully the move to Cincy will inspire him. Or maybe his 7.5M salary.

Ryan Hanigan (.271 BA, .367 OBP, 2 HR, 9 RBI) – Not bad numbers for a guy who is supposed to be a defensive specialist. Defense is what you want from your backup catcher. And that is what he is.

Bench

Paul Janish is a nifty fielder with a soft bat. Darnell McDonald and Laynce Nix are just names on the roster. I am sure they are swell humans.

Outlook

The defense should be better by degrees. No more tree stumps playing in the corners. Votto and Phillips have a year together so the right side of the diamond should be sealed up. Maybe the veteran Gonzalez will have a calming effect on Edwin and cure him of his erratic play. Or maybe EE will fling a ball into the stands and kill a woman eating nachos. It’s a toss-up.

The Reds scored 3 or fewer runs 52 times last season (5-47) and were 12th in the NL in runs scored (704). Now subtract 103 runs, 53 HRs and 127 RBI (totals of Griffey and Dunn). The Reds somehow have to fill the production void left by Griffunn, and add to the total. That’s a tall task, with question marks up and down the order.

In order to complete the 25-man roster, the Reds had to option Homer Bailey, Bill Bray and Jonny Gomes to Louisville. Those 3 guys could make other teams. That’s a good thing. Bailey could be on the bump (possibly in long relief) by May, and maybe sooner if Arroyo can’t go. Gomes is not happy about his re-assignment. He’s one of those guys that just needs a shot. I hope the Reds don’t lose him.

The Reds have one of the best starting 5 in all of baseball. Their performance should keep the club in striking distance all year. The doubts are up the middle – if the Reds get career years from Taveras (CF), Gonzalez (SS) and Hernandez (C), lookout.

Prediction

Edwin breaks out (in Bower fantasy land). Votto becomes a star (in Cincy at least). Harang, Cueto, Bailey and Owings carry the staff. Cordero flames out and goes on the DL; replaced by Burton. Taveras tanks. Hairston gets hurt early, never a factor. Bruce struggles. Phillips frustrates and duplicates last year. End result?

84-78, 3rd place NL Central

The Reds will be in the wild card conversation to the end. Just not enough. Too many people have them as their dark horse. I don't like that one bit. At least they are in position to be in position.

Fair Weather

2009-02-13T23:00:00.001-05:00

The attendance for Wednesday’s game between the University of Cincinnati and St. Johns drew a crowd of 8 thousand. 5000 empty seat backs enjoyed clear views of a UC win, their sixth in the last eight. For a team on the rise, fighting for every basket, it was a disappointing turnout.

The coach thanked those in attendance, though the gesture was more a back-handed scold at those who failed to purchase a ticket. Sportscasters wondered aloud “where are the fans”? Callers had answers. Some blamed the economy. Some said they were not sure what to make of this team. Some said they were just becoming fans again, and could not yet pay to see. And some still claim bitterness for the expulsion of Bob Huggins and defiance to the Scholastic mechanism that allowed it to happen.

None of those reasons hit the mark. The fact is Cincinnati is a fair weather town. It is that simple. And in sports parlance, “fair weather” is a nasty little label. A curse word. An insult. In no way could THE Queen City, a dwelling so fair and true, be a respite for such a despicable human as the fair weather fan. It must be the evil President Zimpher, and a protest over her reign, that is keeping the Great Bearcat fan away.

Nope. Cincinnati is a fair weather town. And I am here to tell you that is not an insult. Not a scar to be hidden. In fact, it should be worn as a badge of honor. This town does not support a loser. This town does not rush, giggling with money flying from their hands, at the first glimpse of decency. A team has to win, and keep winning. The UC fan knows the difference between beating a reeling Georgetown team and powerhouse Pittsburgh.

Only in sports is the term fair weather even uttered. In all other mediums, it is called being a sensible consumer. I love Robert Downey Jr. But if he snaps off a movie and I can’t get excited about the previews, and some critics I respect deem it a stinker, I am not going to buy a ticket. I don't see the virtue in the blind following of anything; irregardless of performance.

I love Cincinnati sports. I follow the teams, in every way imaginable. But I am not going down with the ship. If the Reds are 30 games out in August, I am not buying any more tickets. If the Bengals are 2-10, I am not going to sit in the November cold and watch them play. If the Cats are 10-20 down the stretch, I am emotionally disconnected.

I used to feel guilt, and take responsibility, when I would see a sparse crowd supporting my team. And there I would be, sitting on my couch. Part of the problem. But no more. I do more than enough. And if the teams keep winning, I will do more. And so will everybody else.

Bengals 2008 - Back to the Future

2008-09-03T22:48:00.002-04:00

The Cincinnati Bengals went 3-13 in 1998. Just another terrible season in a lost decade-plus of football. Nothing remarkable happened that year. The Gals started slow (1-3 in September) and steamed to double digit losses with a nifty 9-game losing streak. There is no reason to ever discuss the 1998 Bengal campaign. Unfortunately, a decade later, Cincinnati has managed to build a team that will resurrect those lost memories.

Let’s compare and contrast the 1998 and 2008 Cincinnati Bengals:

Coaching: Bruce Coslet (’96 – ‘00) vs. Marvin Lewis (’03 – ’08)

Coslet took over for Dave Shula in the middle of the 1996 season and guided the Bengals to a 7-2 finish over their last 9 games, almost making the playoffs. This late surge inspired Bengal fans, as did the speak that Coslet was an offensive “mastermind”. The Bengals never won more than 7 games under his watch. Coslet was accused of losing the team and was notoriously snippy with the media. He had a terrible haircut and was prone to spitting fits during games. He quit after the third game of the 2000 season.

Lewis took over for Dick LeBeau after a putrid 2-14 season in 2002. Marvin was a defensive “genius” who was coordinator for the Baltimore Ravens defense in their 2000 Super Bowl season. He promised to clean house and bring a new attitude to Cincinnati. Owner Mike Brown even granted Lewis the power to make personnel decisions. Marvin rewarded him with respectable .500 seasons and then hit the ceiling with 11 wins in 2005 and a playoff appearance. Since then, the team has been tainted by colorful interpretations of the law off the field and underachievement on it. Lewis treats the media with utter contempt and will mock any reporter who dares question such holy subjects as strategy or clock management. He also tries to say the word “football” 75 times during each press conference (ex. "well, that football player made a great football play for his football team..."). Lewis has been accused of losing the team and was publicly embarrassed by his owner when castaway Chris Henry was welcomed back into the Bengal bosom.

Receivers: Carl Pickens and Darnay Scott vs. TJ Houshmanzadah and Chad Johnson

This is the easiest comparison. Only one paragraph needed for the two tandems. Stat whores (all). Complaints about “getting mine” (all). Prone to tantrums on the field (TJ, Pickens). Intelligence of a steak knife (Scott, CJ). Can’t go over the middle (Scott, CJ). Think they are more valuable then they are (all). Think they can roll out of bed and make the pro bowl (TJ, CJ, Pickens). Can’t make the big catch when it counts (Scott, CJ). Play does not translate to wins (all).

Running Backs: Corey Dillon vs. Kenny Watson and Chris Perry

Dillon rushed for 1300 yards on this stink team. Watson and Perry will be lucky to combine for that total.

Offensive Line:

The 1998 team actually had a healthy Willie Anderson in his second year. What does the 2008 squad have? Fat bodies. That and franchise player Stacey Andrews. Way to use that franchise tag wisely, Bengals! A current Bengal lineman was actually quoted saying that if the 2008 group stayed healthy, they could be the best in the league. That is laughable. Cincy ranked 24th in rushing in 2007 and Carson was bludgeoned all pre-season. Puke.

Defense:

It’s not even worth breaking this unit down into position groups. And there is no use distinguishing the two groups because the traits are the same. The defense cannot get pressure on the quarterback without sending at least 6 rushers. Miserable tackling. Blitzes are poorly disguised and never get home in time. Cornerbacks give too much cushion to receivers and are not physical. Inability to get the big 3-and-out when they need it. A soft unit devoid of passion. No team ever fears a Bengal defense. Still.

Quarterback: Neil O’Donnel vs. Carson Palmer

Stick Jon Kitna’s right arm onto Carson Palmer’s body and you have Neil O’Donnel. I swear to god. Palmer is a STATUE. And with this offensive line, he is a statue lying on the ground. If Palmer does not have a nice, cushy pocket to settle himself into, good things are not going to happen. He does not maneuver well in tight spaces and cannot vary his arm angles to adjust to the rush and available throwing lanes. He is a robot with limited functionality. There are a couple scenarios that are programmed into his CPU. If a play falls outside of those parameters, system failure.

From where I am sitting, I don’t see much difference between the two teams. Maybe if we combined the best of both, the Bengals could reach another glorious 8-win season.

And how did we get here? Same old. Same old ownership (Mike Brown and his wacky offspring) with the 1950 family hardware store business plan. Same old philosophy that the coaches should spend their time scouting in the off season (instead of game planning). Same old leaders too cheap to employ an adequate scouting department. Same old half-ass free agent signings (Average Antwan Odom from Tennessee and backup TE Ben Utecht from Indianapolis) to fool the fans into thinking they are trying. Same old silly talk out of training camp from the players gushing how practices are “crisp” and the defense is “fast” and there is a “new attitude”. Same old player cuts coming years too late (Willie Anderson, Deltha O’Neal).

Not that anything I have said is against the grain. It’s a difficult task, finding a sane person excited about the 2008 Bengals. I have not felt this much gloom going into a Bengals season since the Shula years. And even then I would delude myself into pipe dreams of a 10-win season.

Bold Predictions:

· The Bengals start the season 2-10
· TJ Houshmanzadeh gets ejected from a game for spitting on a referee
· TJ and Chad get into a fist fight in the locker room; the team downplays the incident
· Chad Johnson loses his mind mid-season, has a tantrum in front of any media outlet that still cares, fakes an injury, and vows not to play for the Bengals in 2009 (wait… this has already happened)
· Carson Palmer is injured in game 12 (shoulder) and is done for the season
· Backup QB Ryan Fitzpatrick leads the Bengals to two wins in their final 4 games. His inspiring play, specifically his scrambling ability and knack for making plays out of the pocket, cause murmurs of a QB controversy in the Tri-state area
· Marvin Lewis is fired after game 12 and is replaced by defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer
· Bengal fans, inspired by a 2-2 finish and the positive chatter of coach Zimmer, renew their season tickets
· The Brown family assures Bengal fans that the team is “only a few players away” and express confidence that Zimmer has them on the right track
· The Browns, secluded in their ivory tower atop Mt. Bengal, giggle and count their money

2008 Final Record: 4-12, last place in AFC North

The Costanza Contenders

2008-07-07T14:42:00.000-04:00

I am a Reds fan. I watch a lot of bad baseball. I would consider myself an expert on loser ball and what it takes to be a perennial non-factor. The Reds are a model for how to become irrelevant by the All-Star break.

So when picking the favorites for the 2008 World Series, it is logical to assume that the teams left standing will be the ones that do everything the Reds don’t. Do you remember the Seinfeld episode in which George Costanza started to succeed by doing the opposite of every natural impulse he had? This strategy harvested women, respect and a job with the New York Yankees. I have decided to apply this tactic.

If you want to create a good baseball team, examine a lousy one (i.e. the Reds) and do the exact opposite of everything they do. Every weakness the Reds have (and there are many) are core strengths of the contenders. Here are those weaknesses:

- Inconsistent starting pitching
- Poor production from the power slots (3-4-5 hitters in the batting order)
- Inability to hit in the clutch
- Poor base running
- Weak bench
- Lousy defense

Each of the above areas can be represented statistically by the following:

- Quality starts (starting pitcher completes at least six innings and permits no more than three earned runs)
- Slugging percentage of 3-4-5 hitters
- Team batting average with runners in scoring position
- Stolen base percentage
- OPS (slugging + on base percentage) of pinch hitters
- Team fielding percentage

After crunching the numbers, I have compiled 5 teams which by their virtue of being the antithesis of terrible are my picks for the 2008 World Series.

1. Chicago White Sox (49-37, 1st place in AL Central)
- Highest Costanza rating - quality starts (1st), stolen base % (T-7th), scoring position avg. (3rd), pinch-hitting OPS (1st), fielding pct. (3rd)

The second team in the second city. If anything, the White Sox can always rally behind the fact that they are the “other” team in their own city. They can also take solace in not having a bandwagon full of poser fans like a certain team a few train stops north. That’s got to be worth some baseball karma. Just never underestimate a team that has a chip on their shoulder from not getting their due.

Chicago is a veteran team that is solid up and down the lineup. What they lack in sex appeal they make up for in grit. They have the highest run differential in the AL (+82), which is the stat du jour in regards to a barometer of success. When guys like Paul Konerko (284 career HRs) and Nick Swisher (averaged 28.5 HRs and 98.5 RBI in 2006-2007) are backups, you got a pretty good squad.

And I do not know about you but I miss me some Ozzie Guillen. It’s been 3 years since the microphones we’re angled towards his flapping lips in late October. Let’s do this.

2. Philadelphia Phillies (48-39, 1st place in NL East)
- Quality starts (T-7th), stolen base % (T-1st), scoring position avg. (10th), pinch-hitting OPS (5th), fielding pct. (T-5th)

The Phillies have a mini-murderers row with Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, Ryan Howard and Pat Burrell all taking swats in the top-half of their batting order. Just when a pitcher thinks he got through the worst of it, he looks up and sees Rollins in the on deck circle. Again. They can pressure and demoralize a staff ace.

The Phils staff is not going to scare anybody but they do have a bonafide ace in Cole Hamels. They also have the best 1-2 reliever punch in the bigs courtesy the resurrection of Brad Lidge and Flash Tom Gordon – one of the few career setup men. Philly will not have to worry about catching the Mets this year and should cruise into the playoffs where they hope to eradicate their early exit in 2007.

3. Boston Red Sox (52-37, 2nd place in AL East)
- Quality starts (T-5th), stolen base % (2nd), scoring position avg. (11th), pinch-hitting OPS (8th), fielding pct. (T-4th)

If the Red Sox were not annoying enough with their ability to sign any free agent they want on the planet, they also have a strong farm system that has produced starters Jacob Ellsbury, Justin Pedroia and Justin Masterson. Good times.

The Sox shrugged off injuries to Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz and Curt Schilling and have produced another winning campaign. And as much as I loathe their oil tycoon payroll and incessant fans, I respect the way the Sox play ball. They play smart, hard and fast. Every game, every inning, every pitch. Boston does the little things. If a man gets to third with less than two outs, he scores 9 out of 10 times. They deserve to win and they do it often.

And they won’t be afraid to dip into their vat of money as the trade deadline approaches.

4. Minnesota Twins (48-38, 2nd place in AL Central)
- Quality starts (T-5th), stolen base % (T-11th), scoring position avg. (1st), pinch-hitting OPS (4th), fielding pct. (T-6th)

I do not know anything about the Twins. Neither does anybody else unless they live next a Great Lake. $20 for anyone that can name their manager (hint: combine the words “garden” and “hire”). Yet this man has guided the Twinkies to 4 division titles since 2002. So take that.

The Twins have stayed consistent all these years with pitching defense and timely hitting. Their league-leading .315 BA with runners in scoring position is almost 30 points higher than the next team. They even have a little star power with Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau. So at least remember those names for the time being. You can study their roster again in October.

5. Chicago Cubs
- Quality starts (T-8th), stolen base % (T-10th), scoring position avg. (2nd), pinch-hitting OPS (24th), fielding pct. (T-6th)

Oh, so THIS is the year for the Cubs. I thought it was all those other times.

The Cubs actually tied the Cardinals, in regards to their Costanza rating. I was swayed by their sexy +96 run differential. The Cubs just killed teams in April and May and have been on virtual cruise control since. Their lineup gets scary again when Soriano comes back off the DL.

But the Cubs have holes. They have a washed up Jim Edmonds playing center field. And while they can roll out a Carlos Zambrano start with a Kerry Wood close every four games in the playoffs, the rotation takes a quick dip. Warning to Cubs fans: do not name your first child “Dempster”. I know Ryan Dempster is having a great season (9-3, 3.24 ERA, 93 Ks) but the end is near. Those numbers are fraudulent. Prepare yourself.

SLEEPERS:

St. Louis Cardinals – I would have put them in the Cubs 5th spot if their staff ace was not Kyle Lohse. Gross.

Oakland Athletics – Good young pitching staff (Lowest team ERA in MLB) and Billy Beane has enough pieces in the farm system to make a deal come the deadline.

So there you have it. Sorry Tampa Bay, the Costanza numbers don’t lie. Just take comfort that you are not the team this theory was built on.

The Wedding Toast

2008-06-25T16:50:00.001-04:00

I have given 3 toasts at weddings. They went well. And each performance was under different circumstances, for a different friend, for a different crowd. The results remained constant. So I fashion myself a semi-authority on providing advice for the feared and anticipated “Best Man Speech”.*

*This advice is gender specific, though I suppose it can be applied for most toasts. Though if I was a woman, I would not worry about preparation. Nobody cares about the maid of honor speech. It’s usually just a meld of crying and cliché compliments. Sorry.

Rule 1 – prepare. Whatever you do, don’t use the strategy of “I am just going to get drunk and wing it”. Unless you are Bill Murray or Don Rickles, it’s not going to work out. You will fall on your face and nobody will ever tell you how bad it really was.

Take 45 minutes out of your life and scratch out an outline. Here’s a simple example:

- Thank the parents for inviting everyone to share in their special day with their children
- Thank everyone for coming (bonus points for finding out the person who traveled the longest distance and mention them by name)
- Quick breakdown of your friendship with the groom
- Quick anecdote about the groom
- Quick anecdote on the couple (how they met, funny story)
- Sentimental transition
- Toast

Boom. 2-3 minutes. Sit down and shut up.

Rule 2 – Talk the speech out loud. There’s a lot of one liners floating around between the ears that are HI-larious. And that is where they should remain. You can filter out a lot of bad, boring and inappropriate shtick by listening to your own words. This will also help you get your timing and rhythm down. And if you finish and realize that 15 dreadful minutes just elapsed, it’s time to start slashing and burning.

Rule 3 – Make the speech universal. Do not use the jokes that are going to make your buddies’ laugh. They will be amused enough, watching your goofy ass sweat with a mic in your hand. Tell stories that are going to amuse the families. They paid for everything. Bag the inside jokes.

Rule 4 – Remember the lessons from speech class. Talk slow. Make eye contact. Move around a little bit. Keep the mic in front of your mouth. SLOW DOWN.

Rule 5 – Deflate your head. This is not your day. This is not your moment. This is not your audition tape for “Last Comic Standing”. Do not talk about yourself. Talk about the couple and keep it about them.

Rule 6 - The “Do Nots” –

- Do not cuss
- Do not get drunk before the speech
- Do not mention ex-girlfriends
- Do not roast the bride – keep your insults aimed at the groom
- Do not break out a fast-food toast like “May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future…” gross.

One last nugget. Most weddings ceremonies are held in a church, MC’d by a priest that does not know the couple from a bar of soap. This old man will break out a homily about marriage. He will do his best to drop a turd in the punch bowl by droning on about how difficult a marriage is and how there will dark, destitute times ahead.

Your instinct will be to launch into daydream. But I implore you to keep one ear open. The holy man is bound to say something you can use in your speech. This is your chance to use an inside joke that everyone will be in on.

Example: the last wedding I went to, one of the pope’s trainees was going on about the “heat” of marriage and love, and how it compares to a furnace. He loved that furnace analogy. I took note. As I wrapped up my speech, I said “To the bride and groom, and their love furnace…” Brought the house down. It’s that easy.

2008 Reds eulogy

2008-05-05T16:34:00.000-04:00

There were two plays on Sunday in consecutive innings that explained all you need to know about the 2008 Cincinnati Reds.

Ryan Freel led off the game with a sharp single up the middle. 3 pitches later, veteran Tom Glavine picked him off of first base. Freel tried to escape the out by playing a game of Frogger with the fielders. It was a sad and futile effort. In the second inning, the Reds again put the lead off man on base after Joey Votto drew a walk. The Reds, desperate for offensive action, called for a hit-and-run. Edwin Encarnacion missed the sign, took the pitch, and Votto was thrown out at second by 5 feet.

The Braves would score a touchdown in the 2nd inning and yawned their way to a series sweep. The Reds are now 12-20, losers of 5 in a row, and are tied for the worst record in professional baseball. And with 130 games left to play, the only thing we can be sure of is the Reds are on their way to their 8th losing season in a row. Postseason? Not even worth mentioning.

The Reds can't pitch (4.77 ERA 14th NL/26th in ML), can't hit (13th in NL/23rd in ML in runs scored) and can't run (67% 13th NL/24th in ML in stolen base %). Statistically, they are an average fielding team but those numbers are skewed since you can't get an error on balls you don't get to (see Dunn, Griffey).

The salary structure/roster makeup for this team has got to be the worst in baseball:

Adam Dunn, LF; 2008 salary: 13M; 2008 stats: .221 AVG, 4 HR, 13 RBI, 24 K
For his career, April has always been Dunn's strongest month. His numbers might go DOWN.

Ken Griffey Jr., RF; 2008 salary: 8.3M; 2008 stats: .228 AVG, 4 HR, 15 RBI, .310 OBP
38 years old going on 50. No pitcher fears him anymore. Every part of his game is slow.

Bronson Arroyo, P; 2008 salary: 4.6M; 2008 stats: 1-4, 8.63 ERA, 32.1 IP, 50 H, 8 HR
Arroyo will get salaries of $9.5 million in 2009 and $11 million in 2010.

David Weathers, P, 2008 salary: 3.3M; 2008 stats: 0-2, 4.91 ERA, 7.1 IP, 9 H
Sent down for rehab assignment in April. Presumed dead.

David Ross, C, 2008 salary: 2.5M; 2008 stats: .167 AVG, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 5 K
The Reds have lost every game (4) he has started at catcher this year.

Alex Gonzalez, SS, 2008 Salary: 4.6M; 2008 stats: has not played
On the DL until June. I could care less if he ever comes back.

Francisco Cordero, RP, 2008 Salary: 8.6M; 2008 stats: 2.25 ERA, 4 SVs, 12 IP, 12 K
What's the point of having a high-priced closer if he never gets any save opportunities?

Corey Patterson, CF, 2008 Salary: 3M; 2008 stats: .200 AVG, 4 HR, 11 RBI, .263 OBP
There's a reason Baltimore and Chicago gave up on this man. Make that reasons.

That's a grand total of 47.9M. Almost 50 million dollars going out to a group of players whose contributions are inconsistent, at best. That number comes out to 66% of the Reds total team salary of 72.3M. The Reds are hemorrhaging money on bad contracts. For small market baseball teams, the margin of error is small to begin with. Cincinnati has made a variety of bad signs that most big market teams could not recover from.

Owner Bob Castelini, in the press conference announcing the dismissal of former GM Wayne Krivsky, stated that the Reds "just aren’t going to lose anymore". Well, that made for a cool sound bite. But what does that really mean? The Reds don't have the resources to go out and sign more guys. They do, however, have some young talent in the minors (Bailey, Bruce, etc). Their development will take time. And more losses. Do the Reds have the patience?

Then again, the Reds are not winning WITH the likes of Dunn and Griffey in the lineup. Does their absence really hurt? Do they even make a difference? I say no.

Here's what the Reds need to do:

- Trade Dunn to an American League team after June 15 (he has a no-trade clause before that date); don't worry about getting market value because it is not going to happen – just get some prospects and be done with it
- After Griffey hits #600, try to trade him to Seattle. Be nice about it. Ask his permission. Take whatever they will give you. If he turns it down, let him finish the season and DO NOT pick up his 2009 club option. This needs to end.
- Sign Edwin Encarnacion to a long-term (4 years) contract. He's 25. He's coming into his own. Lock him up.
- Quit the 3-catcher carousel. One of these guys needs to go – probably Valentin. I don't know what happened to that portly Puerto Rican but he has morphed into a lazy pile.
- Try to move the contracts of Ryan Freel and Alex Gonzalez. A contender could use one of them. The Reds might have to eat some of their salaries. So be it.
- Pull Arroyo, give him an MRI, send him to the minors, call a witch doctor, hypnotize him, do something. This guy is on the books for 3 more years and there is not a sporting league in the world that will take him and his crazy price tag on. Pray that he is the not the second coming of Eric Milton. Pray hard.
- DO NOT let Dusty Baker ruin the young and brilliant arms of Johnny Cueto and Eddison Volquez. IT IS NOT HAPPENING THIS YEAR. So let them throw 175 innings or so and then SHUT THEM DOWN. (the capital letters indicates that I was yelling whilst typing)

The Reds, for seven long years, have not been able to do the little things necessary to win baseball games. They are woeful hitters with runners in scoring position. They rely too much on the home run (2008 Reds record when not homering: 1-10). They don't run the bases well. They miss assignments, miss cut off men and will miss October baseball. And you can hire Dusty Baker and fire GMs and make powerful speeches. But eventually, you just flat have to get some new guys to put in the uniforms.

So yeah, as you have gathered, the postseason dreams for the 2008 Reds have ended. I was wrong. Again. But the season is far from over. FOCUS. Say goodbye to the Dunn Griffer era. Take care of the young arms. Try to sucker teams into taking on some of the big salaries. Let the kids play. Cinco De Mayo and I am already rolling out the Reds eulogy. This is the team I have chosen.

Banging my Head

2008-04-25T10:35:00.000-04:00

Being a sports fan is supposed to be easy. It's entertainment. That is it. An option to challenge movies, theatre, the outdoors, art stuff and every single thing we do every day that makes us smile and saves us from staring at a wall. And yet, the past times of life have me pounding a keyboard at 1am, alone, because the Cincinnati Reds have dropped to 9-11. Last place, and sinking to the bottom like a dead body tied to a stone.

The balanced man folds his love of sport within the fabric of his life and grabs it when he can. Celebrate the wins, forget the losses. Enjoy the spectacle that is sport; soak in the competition and singular acts of athletic greatness, and remind yourself that you are privy to a peaceful world with the time and means to build cathedrals that house and showcase it all. We have a system that filters and funnels tuned specialists assigned to deliver on command, under a microscope. For us and them.

We are the spectators. No pressure. Our cheers are joined. Our jeers and curses are unchallenged. And yes, we paid. So I guess we deserve something and have a version of rights. That golden ticket was to see a show. A victory was never promised, or even implied.

There is no right way. I have always dived in face first, arms tied behind my back. High risk, high reward. The rarefied air of victory, that sweetness, has been worth the burden of defeat. I think. Times of loss challenge everything. Why do I care how men I don't know play a sport? Who cares? Why should this affect my mood?

It all comes down to quality of entertainment. Sports are the great unknown. You do not know how a game/match/contest is going to end. And that's that. You might think you do, but just when you know everything, somebody smacks a 3-run home run and you are the fool. Sports is the movie without a script, that makes it up as it goes along. And within the boundaries of rules and time constraints, drama and beauty manifest.

So what? I don't know. But I feel better about going to bed pissed about the Reds. And I can't wait until they play tomorrow. I hope they win.

2008 Cincinnati Reds Scouting Report

2008-03-27T20:06:00.002-04:00

Front office

Forgive me while I gush, but what's not to like? Here are just a few of my favorite things that the Castellini-Krivsky regime have done:

- Signed a legitimate staff ace, Aaron Harang, to a long term contract
- Renegotiated a signed a competitive, long-term contract with a budding superstar, Brandon Phillips
- Acquired key pieces (and bargaining chips) like Hatteberg, Phillips and Hamilton for next to nothing
- Made a splash in free-agency to address a weakness (Cordero – bullpen)
- Hired Former St. Louis Cardinals general manager Walt Jocketty, who built a perennial contender, as a special adviser to Krivsky (one extra brain and a little pressure on Krivsky)

They devised a plan and they executed it. The brain trust said they would focus on building a pitching staff and revamping the farm system. They have done both. The Reds have used their limited assets (Josh Hamilton being the prized pig) to acquire an army of pitchers to compete for a roster spot. They held competitive races this spring to fill the bottom half of the rotation. They picked the strongest arms, not just settled on the best of the worst. The Reds also boast 5 of the best prospects in all of baseball – 3 of them starting pitchers. It's all happening.

The Reds have also served notice that this is no longer small market, small move Cincinnati. Cordero was the top free agent reliever and the Reds signed him to big money. That was for today, but they also made moves for tomorrow. The Reds made a big splash in the Dominican Republic, giving a $2 million signing bonus to 16-year-old phenom outfielder Juan Duran. That's a symbolic sign, sending a message to the Big Boys that the Reds are players in the market.

Now excuse me while I got make love to my Castellini blow-up doll.

The Manager

When Johnnie B. Baker Jr. was hired as the Reds manager in the off-season, a disgruntled friend left a simple voice mail: "Dusty f-ing Baker". I felt the same way. Not that my reasons were logical – I was annoyed when he surrounded himself in the dugout with his 7 little sons during the 2002 World Series, was further irritated by his omnipresent toothpick and wrist bands when he guided the Cubs and I thought he looked like an iguana. This "evidence" will not win me any arguments on the topic of his managerial competence.

These are the facts:
- .527 career winning percentage
- 3-time NL Manager of the year
- Finished first or second in respective division 9 out of 14 years
- Guided the 2002 San Francisco Giants to the World Series (lost in 7 games to the Angels)
- 4 outs away from taking the 2003 Cubs to their first World Series since 1945

These are the perceptions:
- Knows how to turn around a losing franchise (1992 SF Giants: 72 wins, 1993 SF Giants: 103 wins; 2002 Chi Cubs: 67 wins; 2003 Chi Cubs: 88 wins)
- Gets all of his players to exert maximum effort
- Favors veterans of youth
- Will overwork and ruin the careers of young pitchers (ex. Kerry Wood, Mark Pryor)

At this point, I like the move. The Reds have been hiring within the organization this entire decade (see: Bob Boone, Ray Night, Dave Miley, Jerry Narron, Pete Mackanin) and the result is 7 straight losing seasons. They needed to go in a different direction. And if he can get Griffey and Dunn to play hard every day, he can sleep in my bed. His ultimate success, and reputation, will be determined by how he handles the mix of veterans and future stars. All eyes will be watching. And he knows it.

Pitching rotation

1. Harang
2. Arroyo
3. Cueto
4. Fogg
5. Volquez

Batting order (opening day)

1. Patterson (L - CF)
2. Keppinger (R - SS)
3. Girffey Jr. (L - RF)
4. Phillips (R - 2B)
5. Dunn (L - LF)
6. Encarnacion (R – 3B)
7. Votto (L – 1B)
8. Ross (R – C)

Starting Pitching

The Reds have three young arms that could provide the foundation for championship seasons. And the least impressive is Homer Bailey. That's a good thing. Johnny Cueto and Eddison Volquez are the talk of spring (in and beyond the Reds camp) while Bailey is headed to Louisville. Harang is a bonafide ace whereas Arroyo looks to bounce back after a disappointing, though misleading, 15-loss season. Fogg is a cheap addition that could win 10 games. I like the combination of different tempos the Reds can run out in any given series (Harang: power pitcher, Arroyo: finesse, Cueto: power with finesse, Fogg: finesse, Volquez: power). If Cueto and Volquez can produce over a full Major League season (that's a monster "if"), the Reds will contend for the division title.

Aaron Harang (R) – (2007 – 16-6, 3.73 ERA, 231.2 IP, 218 K)
Harangutan finished 4th in the NL Cy Young voting and was the undisputed Reds MVP. The Reds were 24-10 in the games Harang started; 48-80 in the games he did not. He's a big sweaty beast (275 lbs) who pounds the strike zone and rarely lets an inning get out of hand. He has once facial expression: blank, empty stare. That works for pitchers and poker players.

Bronson Arroyo (L) – (2007 – 9-15, 4.23 ERA, 210.2 IP, 156 K)
He was the hard-luck pitcher of '07. After 9 starts, Arroyo had an ERA of 2.64 and his record was 2-4. In that 9th start, which I believe broke his will, he pitched a complete game and lost 3-2. That was on May 16. He would not win again until July 5. Arroyo is a pitcher that will rise to the occasion – but he needs an occasion to rise to. If the Reds are 10 games back in June and he is pitching in a half-empty ballpark with comatose crowds, he'll pack it in and work on another terrible cover album. If the Reds are in the hunt, he will pitch his ass off every time. And you know, I can't even knock him for that.

Johnny Cueto (R) – (2008 Spring Training – 0-0, 5.27 ERA, 13.2 IP, 12 K)
Major League scouts have been drooling over themselves in their praise for Cueto, some calling him the second coming of Pedro Martinez. Example: "Cueto has been putting on a show from day one, blowing mid-90s fastballs past good hitters, freezing them with his dive-bombing slider, throwing invisible changeups on any count and doing it all with a presence and command that makes it tough to believe he's still only 21." Fortunately, he doesn't understand a lick of English so this praise should not go to his head. Cueto has up and grabbed the #3 spot by the throat. He's got the coolest name on the roster and is the guy everyone is waiting to see.

Josh Fogg (R) – (2007 – 10-9, 4.94 ERA, 165.2 IP, 94 K)
This reminds me of the Dave Williams acquisition the Reds made a couple years ago. Don't remember Williams? There's a reason for that. Fogg's a guy who wins and loses 10 games a year and has a hard time convincing women that he is a professional athlete. He won game 7 for the Rockies in the 2007 NLCS. That looks nice on the resume. The Rocks offered him 3.5M to pitch this year. He wanted 5M. They told him to step. Now he pitches for the Reds for 1M. Savvy.

Eddison Volquez (R) – (2007 – 2-1, 4.50 ERA, 34.0 IP, 29 K)
This is the pitcher the Reds got in the Josh Hamilton deal; the same Josh Hamilton that was a fan favorite and who the Texas Rangers (his new team) are comparing to Mickey Mantle. But don't worry. To paraphrase Marty Brenneman: if Hamilton goes out and hits 50 home runs for the Rangers this year, the Reds will still not miss him and be very happy with the trade. That's good enough for me. He is among the spring leaders in Ks, and he racked those up facing the full lineups of the Yankees, Red Sox and Phillies.

Bullpen

The Reds big move in free agency was acquiring closer Francisco Cordero. Analysts either loved the move or thought the Reds overpaid. There is truth on both sides. But the Reds had to make a bold move to solidify a group that blew 28 saves last season. And that does not include another pile a games they sucked away in the 6th, 7th and 8th innings. The theory is that Cordero's presence at the back shifts the other arms into their appropriate slots – Weathers gets the 8th, Burton gets the 7th.

At this point, the roster is still in flux. These guys have spots locked down.

Francisco Cordero (R) – (2007 – 0-4, 2.98 ERA, 44 Sv, 63.1 IP, 86 K)
He's the lock down, angry, bad breath stopper every team likes. 46M is a lot to pay a 32-year old closer. I hope he's worth it. He assumes all of the pressure and scrutiny that will be directed towards the bullpen.

David Weathers (R) – (2007 – 2-6, 3.59 ERA, 33 Sv, 77.2 IP, 48 K)
38 years old and his chin has still not grown in. The Reds saddled the crafty Weathers with carrying the load last year, and he did an admirable job. He led the Majors in multiple-inning saves. That's a lot to ask a middle-aged reliever with average stuff. Now he moves to the 8th, which was the inning of doom for the Reds in '07. He should do fine, assuming he doesn't break down.

Jared Burton (R) – (2007 – 4-2, 2.51 ERA, 43.0 IP, 36 K)
Burton was dynamite in the 2nd half of the '07 season, compiling a 4-1 record and 1.83 ERA. He has been less than spectacular this spring. He gets the ball in the seventh until further notice.

Todd Coffey (R) – (2007 – 2-1, 5.82 ERA, 51.0 IP, 43 K)
He's big, he's hairy, he's orange, he's hot coffey! Coffey was the poster boy/scapegoat for the bullpen's woes last year. And he was awful. But he has a good fastball and hard slider. He just has to flush out the junk between his ears. He has pitched 11 shutout innings this spring, if that does anything for you.

Matt Belilse (R) – (2007 – 8-9, 5.32 ERA, 177.2 IP, 125 K)
Lost the 5th starting spot to the Volquez. We'll see how he takes the demotion. He'll be the primary long reliever, and get some starts along the way. He'll toss a gem every once in a while and he has a good fastball/change up combo; he also loses his cool when the game doesn't go his way.

Jeremy Affeldt (L) – (2007 – 4-3, 3.51 ERA, 59.0 IP, 46 K)
Affeldt was promised a chance at the rotation and was given that chance. Not as such. But he is more valuable in the bullpen, as he proved last year with Colorado, and he better serves the Reds in that role. Besides, the Reds need more lefties in the pen.

Defense

The Reds do not boast a defense that is going to bail their pitchers out of games. They do just enough not to blow games. Most of the time. The infield is solid but not spectacular. Their strength is up the middle – David Ross throws out 41% of runners, Brandon Phillips is a superstar and should have won a gold glove in '07 and the Gonzalez/Keppinger tandem at short is good enough. The Reds feature the slowest corner outfielders in the Major Leagues in Griffey and Dunn. They don't exactly cut off doubles headed to the gap. Corey Patterson will start the season in center. Jay Bruce is the stud in waiting - the Reds gave him a shot in spring at landing the job in CF. He is better suited to play a corner position. I doubt there will be much sorrow in the Reds high offices when Griffey misses time with an injury this season – that will be their excuse to get Bruce in the lineup in a position he is better suited for.

Offense

Until proven otherwise, Reds offense still sings the same tune. This is from last year's scouting report: "…the Reds lineup boasts a nice combination of speed and power. It’s the in-between stuff that is lacking. And by ‘stuff’ I mean bunting, situational hitting, sacrifice flies, working the count, protecting with two strikes, base running… you know, baseball. This team can be maddening on offense. They waste leadoff doubles and abandon men in scoring position. And the horrible thing is that this is the same tune we have heard for years. Nothing has changed. Too many strike outs, not enough timely hitting." So here we are again. Adding Corey Patterson (struck out 168 times in 2004) seems like more of the same. Keppinger and Hatteberg give you the most professional at bats. I look forward to watching Bruce and Votto. And I do like the mix of right hand/left hand batters.

Infield

Scott Hatteberg (L – 1B) – (2007 - .310 BA, .394 OBP, 10 HR, 47 RBI, 27 2B, 50 R)
If the Reds were down to their last out with the bases loaded in the 7th game of the World Series, I would want Hatteberg at the plate. He's a true professional. Smart player, pure hitter, underrated fielder, good man in the clubhouse. He's also expendable, with the emergence of Joey Votto. He might be traded before seasons end, unless Votto wets himself.

Joey Votto (L – 1B) – (2007 – in 24 games - .321 BA, .360 OBP, 4 HR, 17 RBI)
The first basemen of the near and present future. At 24, he's part of the Reds army of young talent. He'll platoon with Hatteberg until he proves he can play every day. This would be fine, if they were not both left-handed. I have no idea how Baker is going to work them both in. He went 3 for 3 with a HR is his first game for the Reds last year. He could be a beast this year, if he gets a chance.

Brandon Phillips (R – 2B) – (2007 - .288 BA, .331 OBP, 30 HR, 32 SB, 94 RBI)
In 2007, Phillips became the first player in Reds franchise history to go 30/30 (hrs and steals). You should read that sentence again. Phillips is a superstar. He has power to all fields, can hit for average and he can run. He also has fantastic range at second and has the arm of a short stop (his original position). The only thing that could get in his way is an inflated sense of self and questionable plate discipline (109 Ks to only 33 BBs in '07)

Alex Gonzalez (R - SS) – (2007 - .272 BA, .325 OBP, 16 HR, 55 RBI, 75 K)
Gonzalez had a good year in '07, hitting 24 points above his career average – and still struck out 75 times. He missed over 50 games due to injuries and family matters. Scouts always talk about his great range at SS, but I don't recall seeing him do anything spectacular. But maybe that is because he makes the tough play look routine.

Jeff Keppinger (R – SS) – 2007 – in 67 games - .332 AVG, .400 OBP, 5 HR, 32 RBI, 16 2B)
All Keppinger has done, at every level, is hit. However, he does not do any one thing with greatness (power, speed, defense) so he always finds himself the odd man out. I want him to be the starting SS. End of discussion. The Reds need high average/on base guys to balance out the high risk/high reward lineup. But that job has been bestowed to the veteran Gonzalez. However, Gonzalez is starting the season on the DL. So if Kepp can come out on fire, Gonzo could be trade fodder.

Edwin Encarnacion (R – 3B) – (2007 - .289 AVG, .356 OBP, 16 HR, 76 RBI, 86 K)
I think we all forget that this guy is only 25 years old. I have heard mutterings that he is a "disappointment" and will never evolve into an every-day third basemen. Come on. He's been learning on the job and is on the verge. A lot of teams would like to have a problem like EE. I smell a breakout year – 25 HRs, 90 RBI. Write that down.

Outfield

Ken Griffey Jr. (RF – L) – (2007 - .277 AVG, .372 OBP, 30 HR, 93 RBI, 85 BB, 99 K)
This is Griffey's 20th season in the bigs. That's a pile. He will hit his 600th HR in May. He played in 144 games last year, his most since 2000. His bat has slowed down but his swing is still pretty. He doesn't embarrass himself in the outfield and knows his limitations. Dusty might even inspire him to hustle on the base paths this year, which would be novel. He's an old pro and a class act. But I won't miss him when he's gone.

Adam Dunn (LF – L) – (2007 - .264 AVG, .386 OBP, 40 HR, 106 RBI, 101 BB, 101 R, 165 K)
He's a statistical beast, for sure. He has hit exactly 40 HRs in 3 straight seasons and is a sure bet to hit triple digits in runs, walks and RBI. Of course, this is the time of year where you might hear some crazy talk like "Dunn's been hitting the ball to all fields and shortens his swing now with two strikes". Don't believe the hype. When the curtain goes up, the real Dunner will stand up. Big swings, big bombs, big whiffs and a perpetual look of apathy. Whatever. I'm over it. I don't mind him on this team but I am certain that he gets embarrassed by good pitching in a playoff series. Let's get there first.

Corey Patterson (CF – R) – (2007 - .269 AVG, .304 OBP, 8 HR, 45 RBI, 37 SB)
He was the next big thing in Chicago back in 2000. A perennial 30/30 All-star. It didn't work out. Now he gets a fresh start in Cincinnati and the opening day start. Buster Olney from ESPN calls this signing one of the steals of the off-season. His .300 OBP is terrible for a lead off hitter, and that is where he will be. Let's hope for new beginnings.

Norris Hopper (OF – R) – (2007 - .329 AVG, .371 OBP, 14 RBI, 14 SB, 51 R)
Hopper saw time at every outfield position last year and performed at each one. He gets on base, he scores runs and he makes things happen. He bunts for hits! I love that stuff. He's a speedy breath of fresh air from the Dunn/Griffey lazy river. His play has made Ryan Freel expendable. Freel could be traded by the break.

Catchers

David Ross (R) – (2007 - .203 AVG, .271 OBP, 17 HR, 39 RBI, 92 K)
This is the weakest position group in the Reds organization. Ross barely made it above the Mendoza line last year and his career numbers (.222 lifetime average) indicate that his ceiling is not much higher. On the occasions when his bat touches the ball, it goes out of the park. Enjoy those moments. He has a big arm and plays the position well – that is why he is on the team.

Javier Valentin (Switch) – (2007 - .276 AVG, .328 OBP, 2 HR, 34 RBI, 21 2B)
I love me some Valentin. He's the perfect platoon catcher for Ross because he can hit and he speaks Spanish so he can handle all the English-deficient pitchers. He's also the perfect pinch hitter (led the Reds with 10 pinch hits in 2007) because he switch hits, is fearless and he comes up hacking. He never gets cheated at the plate. I often wonder why he is not the every day catcher. His 11% mark at throwing out runners has something to do with that.

Projection

The Reds pitching staff is as talented, top to bottom, as the 1995 staff – the last time they won a postseason series. They have a deep enough team to sustain injuries. They have a manager desperate to prove himself. They have quality pieces that can be traded (Hatteberg, Freel, Votto, Bailey) mid-season for a starter that can put them over the top. On the other hand, two of their 5 starting pitchers are unproven rookies. They struggle to score runs when not hitting home runs and their defense is average.

The Reds have not had a winning season for 7 years. Regardless, I sit here every year and believe they can win the division. Old habits die hard.

89 – 73, 1st place in the Central Division. Get there.

Bearcats 2007-08; RIP

2008-03-19T09:05:00.000-04:00

Watching Deonta Vaughan and his desperate attempt to drag the carcasses of his teammates into the second round of the Big East tournament, I was saddened knowing that this was the last time I would see the 2007-08 Bearcats play hoop. Others may snort and exclaim arrogant relief that this 13-win excuse for a squad was finally dead. They were wrong. Here comes the inaugural College Basketball Invitational. C – B – to the I. Look out NIT. Somebody's got a cooler acronym and they are breathing down your neck.

During the season, I had a prepared speech that I would break out on unfortunates in ear shot, back in the depths of winter. Something about how I enjoyed this version of the Bearcats more than all of the 25+ win campaigns filled with high rankings, ass-kickings and early tournament exits. Something more about how this team was "scrappy" and was taking down more talented teams with nothing but guile, grit and a scoring machine named Vaughan. And though the dialogue was canned, I meant it.

I was and still am desperate for a Cincinnati winner. The Bengals are frauds. The Reds are in Florida. The Bearcats were the now. The pre-conference schedule was horrific, with stink losses to Belmont and Bowling Green. But then they fought with Xavier (a game they gave away) and annoyed Memphis for a good 35 minutes. However, with a 5-7 record coming into conference play, a replay of the last year's 2-win conference record seemed imminent.

The Cats won at Louisville on New Year's day. Back-to-back wins against Syracuse and Villanova drove their conference record to 3-1. Curiosity. The Cats would tally wins at West Virginia and against Pittsburgh. The high water mark was 13-12, with a strong 8-5 Big East mark. The Cats were amongst the goliaths when the Big East standings graphics would flash. The tournament was in sight. Cronin demanded respect. Sucker fans studied the schedule and notched wins. Basketball was fun again.

And then the Cats ran out of gas and dumped. The margin of error, miniscule against an average team, was breached. Vaughan was doubled on every possession and the remaining staff could not fill the scoring void. The report card would read 5 games under .500.

So what happened this season? The Cats improved two wins from 2006-07. Four seniors gobbled up minutes and will never be seen again. Freshmen saw little time. You could argue the season was a waste. But I needed those 8 Big East wins. I needed to care again. I needed to stress through every possession and turnover and missed lay-up and rimmed out 3-pointer. I needed some success, however fleeting. Just to remember.

I don't fault Cronin for trying to steal some wins with seniors that should have never been on the roster in the first place. He's paid to win first, prepare for the future second. He did his job. I believe in him and the program. I have to.

And just maybe, when the Cats are cutting down the nets after winning the Midwest regional final in 2010, you will clink your glass with a bar mate and mutter "remember Adam H"? Oh, the laughs you will have. I wonder where a large Polish man with limited basketball skills and a University of Cincinnati degree goes from here. I was never able to hate him. I always thought his next point-blank shot would find the hole. I wanted him to succeed but his mind and body would not let him. He will soon be a footnote in Cincinnati basketball history. A scarlet letter "H", symbolizing the dark hour of a storied program. But I will always raise my glass to that rascal, and this team. They were just bad enough to make me appreciate the great times, and just good enough to make me hope for the future.

Level 3 Snow

2008-03-07T16:59:00.000-05:00

“The battle against Mother Nature”

That is an actual headline that I saw this afternoon on local television, while a casual 2 inches of condensed water fell softly to the Cincinnati ground. That’s just disgusting dramatics. And typical of this town.

If any other city/town/territory in the Contintental U.S. gets more excited about the weather, I want to visit and slap the mayor. 15 minutes of every 22-minute news broadcast is devoted to climate conditions (the other 7 minutes being a hodgepodge of the daily murder, fire and tips to save money on your heating bill). Meteorologists are celebrities and have at their disposal NASA-level (is that a good thing anymore?) advanced technology and equipment. Radar. Doppler. Virtual weather machines with trending capability. Data prediction models. Explosives – just in case.

They know their audience. People in Cincy love themselves a good chat about the weather. If you were insane enough to navigate through the gloom and can report on the conditions of multiple neighborhoods and traffic affairs, you are an instant hero. Grown men will call sports talk radio and give an update on their surroundings – and the news is welcomed and appreciated. Every stinking conference call I have the misfortune of running into is christened by 5 minutes of weather shop talk. “How’s it where you are? Really? Oh man, it’s coming your way. I hope you bought canned goods and fire arms.”

Analysts predict “up to 10-inches of snow” by Saturday night in the tri-state area. If there is 3 inches of accumulation, I owe everyone and their mother a coke. I can imagine the frantic school board meetings and administrators making tough decisions on school closings. “Lives are at stake, people. Social Studies can wait until Monday!” All the while, the local stations hunker down into emergency coverage. There is no more news today worth talking about.

My cable man, scheduled to pump digital signals into my talking box, cancelled because the area is in a “Level 3 Snow Emergency”. Terrific. Now all I have are books and a view of bundled men clearing their sidewalks as their wives watch with concerned looks from the window. “My husband is a brave man. He risked his life today so that we could have a safe sidewalk. For that, we shall have tacos”.

I will spare you my rant about snow drivers. I will only say that unless you are in the Rose Parade, it is never acceptable to go 10 MPH. Ever.

So I guess you win this battle, Mommy Nature. Then again, you have given us all a fake crisis to complain and fret and babble about for the whole weekend. So maybe we win. Let’s just call it a draw.

2008 Sundance Report

2008-01-30T09:16:00.000-05:00

For my fellow cinema aficionados...

My girlfriend jumped me a few months ago. She called while I was out of town and exclaimed "HEY! I am about to buy us a travel package to go to the Sundance Film Festival! You in?" This is not how I like to plan vacations. But I did not want to be a stick-in-the-mud so I muttered "yes".

It turned out to be good times.

Quick overview:

- The weather hovered around 20-25 degrees but we dressed well
- While cold, the air was crisp and the sun was usually out
- It had snowed hard the week before and the leftovers were piled high on the sidewalks
- Public transportation was free and efficient - we went everywhere by bus
- Not as many Hollywood types (snobbish-looking people with phones attached to ears) as I anticipated
- It was easy to get in to bars and coffee shops and restaurants (though we did not go to the fancy places and were not privy to the cool parties)
- Movies were showing in 4 places - Salt Lake City, Park City, Ogden and the Sundance Resort
- Park City (home of Sundance) had the most theatres, with 8 (we saw films in 6 of the 8 venues)
- Advanced tickets for all screenings were $15

We only had tickets to around 3 movies before we got to Sundance. To get tickets, there were 3 options:
- Visit the box office (preferably in the AM) to see if any tickets were re-released (we traded in a few of our previously purchased tickets for other shows - they let you do this for a $2 fee per ticket)
- Wait List - All movies had an available wait list. This is how it worked: arrive 2 hours before the screening of the film and get a wait list # (for a hot movie, you needed to get there 2.5 hours before screening...). Return 30 minutes before screening and arrange yourself in line according to your wait list #. 15 minutes before screening, the Sundance Program operators will begin to determine how many wait list people can get into the movie. Wait list tickets were $10. We had mixed results (I got into 2 of the 4 movies I attempted to wait list)
- Scalpers - Some people overbought and would try to sell their extras at the box office or at venues. It was an unspoken rule that all tickets sold in this manner should not be pushed for over face value

Quick aside:

Lizi has a friend who is the manager for a musician from Cincinnati. The muscisian is a Iraqi war veteran who sings anti-war songs. He was featured in a documentary about the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young (CSNY) 2006 tour. Trying to build off the buzz of the movie (which was playing at Sundance), the musician (Josh Heisel) traveled to Utah to play some gigs. Lizi agreed to video tape one of these shows (therefore, she had to drag her video equipment across the country… which meant I had to drag her video equipment across the country… good times). So, we hung out with this crew a couple nights. That was interesting.

Ok, here we go with the movies:

5 oinks - classic
4 oinks - great, could watch it again anytime
3 oinks - good
2 oinks - decent but I was checking my watch waiting for it to end
1 oink - blech

Frozen River - oink, oink, oink, half-oink

Drama about a poor woman trying to bring up her two boys in rural upstate New York. Her husband has ran off to gamble away their savings and her only wish is to buy a double wide and move her boys out of their pitiful trailer. She collides with a Indian woman living on a reservation. This woman is trying to get her son back, who is being held by her mother-in-law. She is also a smuggler, and her cargo is people. She helps illegals cross over the USA-CAN border through the reservation. They form a partnership in order to make the cash they desperately need. This movie was raw, real, sad and great. They did a nice job building suspense and I cared for the characters.

Good Dick - oink, oink, oink, oink

Terrible title, great movie. This was about a depressed, hermit of a young woman who has a penchant for watching bad pornography. A clerk at the movie store she frequents falls in love with her and decides to save her from her dark hole of a life. They form a unique friendship. Though the backdrop of porn was a bit crude, the movie did not get sloppy with easy jokes and raunchy dialogue. Great movie.

Pretty Bird - oink, oink, oink

A wannabe business man cons his friend into bank rolling his idea of building a "rocket belt" (like a rocket back pack a single man can fly around in). He finds an unemployed engineer to build his belt. It started off as a clever comedy and got quite dark. By the end, I hated the con man so much that I could barely see straight. Which is the mark of good film making.

I Always Wanted to be a Gangsta - oink, oink

French with subtitles. I really thought this was going to be great. Not so much. 4 overlapping (but not intertwining) stories that are all connected by a cafeteria off the interstate in France. Shot in black and white, in an effort to be artsy. It was cute, and some of the dialogue was clever, but I was bored in a hurry. This was also the last movie I saw for the week so maybe I was worn out.

Mermaid - oink, oink, oink, oink, half-oink

Russian with subtitles. Story about a young girl's evolution from child to young woman. From rural beach-side Russia (yes, they have a beach) to Moscow. This movie is hard to describe but it was fantastic. The music was great. It was funny. It moved well. It was almost perfect. Something happened at the end that was absurd, but other than that, big oinks.

CSNY Deja Vu - oink, oink, half oink

Documentary about the Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young 2006 tour. Nothing better than watching 60-year old men rock out on stage. It turns out that the tour was more of traveling anti-war rally than a rock concert. I felt bad for the people who shelled out $150 to watch 90 minutes of Bush hate spewed by old hippies. I have seen rock documentaries before, so whatever. I guess some of the anti-war commentary was good, but nothing new.

Animation Spotlight - oink, oink

Collection of animated shorts. Some where good, some weren't. Different animation styles in each that made it interesting but on a whole I was disappointed.

If you look real close you can see that the screen says "Sundance '08' - trust me.

Dark days in NOLA

2008-01-10T09:51:00.000-05:00

As distance grows from last weekend, nostalgia will take over and I will reflect back with a smile. But right now I am licking fresh wounds.

I traveled to New Orleans to watch Ohio State play in the BCS Championship game. I was a deep second alternate to go, but somehow two men in front dropped out and I was presented with a ticket at face value (well, it was damn close) and a ride down. I took both.

The positives of wandering, wild days in New Orleans are plenty. The food, music, energy and pervasive vibe of this old and loud town are unmatched. Or at least unique. There was a lot of laughter, camaraderie and loud talking. Our hosts in the Bayou were gracious and proud.

But. I was under a cloud from the start. I thought traveling to the college football championship was a good thing. A once in a lifetime thing. I was corrected. My girlfriend was not happy, feeling my decision to go down was selfish and over-indulgent. My parents thought it ridiculous and stupid, and showered me with shame. And my work was apathetic - they are Chicago boys. They don't care about college football or even knew the game was being played. All they knew was that it was Monday and time to work.

I went anyway. There was defiance in my travels. I was determined to do New Orleans THE RIGHT WAY. I was not going to be another chump at a touristy bar, swaying in a puddle of urine. I was going to swap stories with true creoles and argue with a gypsy. And it was not a bad performance. We ate alligator, rabbit, craw fish and all sorts of bowls filled with Cajun delights. We hit a swamp tour. We toured the city. We went to local jazz bars that did not have a Bourbon St. address.

But. I have reached a point in my life where comfort is more important than partying. A 12-hour car drive is too long. Sharing a stale, dinky hotel room with 3 other men is too gross. Partying anywhere, let alone New Orleans, for 4 straight days is too much. I was stressed and stretched and manic. My mood swings were distinct and violent - in the morning I was unreachable and full of venom. By mid day, I was relaxed, introspective and shy. In the evening, I was the mayor of smile town. And in the morning, back again.

The game was a blur. High energy at the beginning. And then the slow slide to doom. Until the Big 10 gets much, much better, Ohio State (or any team from that conference) will always lose these games. They just are not battle-tested. LSU plays in nasty scuffles against tough opponents every single week. They can handle adversity and playing from behind. Not OSU. The second things started going bad, it was over. And there it is.

The day after the question was why. Why do I funnel so much of my energies towards a silly football team filled with over-sized college boys that I don't know? Why do I subject myself to such a debilitating physical and financial assault?

When you lose, it all seems folly. And maybe it is. And I tell myself that I will never again, ever, subject myself to such a trip as long as I live. And if the Buckeyes make it to Miami next year for the 'ship (they could, because they are young and their schedule will still be weak... except for a trip to USC in September)... you can count me out. I'll catch it on the television.

But nostalgia is a funny thing. By next month, all I will remember from NOLA will be horns and jambalaya and large rum drinks under the sweet southern sky. Another trip to the 'ship? Hmmmmmm... maybe THIS time it will be different...

sports when you are alone

2007-12-20T01:18:00.000-05:00

I am having a sports crisis. My passions with teams bleed. So here is everything:

Bengals – this is where pro sports fail. The Bengals quit last week. Nothing is left. Pray for embarrassment. Change is the only path. The blueprint has failed.

Browns – what is not to like? F-ing Bengals… I have spent the better half of my life, cheering for the Browns during playoff games. Because they were there. And they are there again. THIS IS NOT MY DESIRE. But, what is an Ohio boy supposed to do?

I WANT it to be the Bengals… but, I have happened to fall, on the worst stretch of professional football ever presented to the viewing public. 17 years of Mike Brown. 1 playoff appearance. This is my team.

What is a fan supposed to do? The Bengals cannot compete. A switch is unacceptable. A design of strategy is volleyed. Then silence, and the wait. Can't we just dunk and blow out teams again? PLEASE!?!

Meanwhile, the Browns expired, rotted, rose up, transitioned, and put there selves TOGETHER:

9-5 Browns v 5-9 Bengals; you get what you deserve . Someone has the path.

Reds – the hot stove league is BOILING. I heard Tom and Marty during drive time (last night, 12/19, 6:45pm) tonight, and there message was hope and clear analysis. They both spoke highly of Dunn. The Reds farm system is producing fruit. There are options, though Jay Bruce is clean.

During the 2009 Championship champagne toast, Dave Obrien will be mentioned. The Reds farm system, is LOADED.

Bearcats – it hurts. I guess a lesson is here. Something about appreciating speed and pressure and high ranks. Role Reversal. It was Memphis with the long gazelles that ran up and down the court and shot when it was clear. They were free, while UC sucked air beneath the angel action of arms. For their part, the Cats plucked and annoyed and kept the game close. The score was deserving.

Football – I had an awful day. My friend, gave me the dream. I was 2nd alternate on a group of four boys heading to New Orleans for the "Ship". My reverse, my nemesis, was sitting in Columbus under a pile of bills. His had a house to service and a debt to pay. His service on the express south was the block in my fantasy. He dug his heals. He buried himself. He decided to debt himself and make the trip. I lost.

Big Ten/Big East - cross power rankings

2007-11-26T22:28:00.000-05:00

These are my two favorites conferences. Only because my two teams - Ohio State and Cincinnati - are members. However, this season, there is only one conference game I was interested in that did not include OSU or UC - and that was West Virgnia vs. Louisville.

On the flip side, I can watch just about any SEC game that includes LSU, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky or Arkansas. And I hate the SEC. That's saying something. But I digress.

So here are the combo power rankings of these two BCS, sometimes boring, often ridiculed, top-heavy conferences. And the beauty is the two prized pigs might face each other for a shiny crystal football. And every football fan outside the Midwest will be furious. In the face.

Cross power rankings - week 13

1. West Virginia – here comes the fan fare. I have seen at least 5 articles since Sunday, just on ESPN.com, gushing on how fast and sweet and wonderful the Mountaineers are. Keep it coming. I still think they are one-dimensional and can be contained. Their defense does not scare me. I think you can push them around a little bit. The toughest game they played this year was at Cincinnati (their non-conference was a joke) and they struggled through that one.

2. Ohio State – Have you noticed that "in the clubhouse" is the hot analogy for describing a team that has finished their regular season? Oh people. They are a Sooners victory (favored by 3) away from New Orleans. I like the setup. Instead of the heads babbling on about how sweet OSU is they are talking how the Bucks are a joke and may back into (for shame!) the BCS title by default. Good. I want you to think OSU sucks. And tell them about it.

3. Illinois – They played #1 Missouri in week 1 and barely lost, 40-34. I forgot all about that. I hope they make the BCS and dump an SEC team.

4. Wisconsin – Wisky is Frisky. Rhymes. They are going to win their bowl game – just you watch.

5. Cincinnati – QB Ben Mauck impresses me more every week. He makes plays out of the pocket. I really like the wideouts and TE Connor Barwin is turning into a pro prospect. The defense didn't make the trip to upstate New York – hence the #5 ranking. I fear that UC is going to get screwed in their bowl selection since they are not a known product and the fan base does not travel (except you, Watts).

6. Michigan – The only way they win their bowl game is if they do the old "Rally around the fired coach" thing. But you figured they would have done that during the OSU game, and instead dropped a steaming turd on their home field. They quit against OSU. As previously stated: gutless.

7. South Florida – This is a gift. I am not sure they could beat MSU at this point. They got very average very fast.

8. Michigan St – finished with 2 quality ("quality" being a relative term in this conference) Big 10 wins – Purdue and PSU. This was preceded by losing 4 out of 5 games – but every loss was by 7 points or less. They are on the verge, and coach Mark D'Antonio has shown he can recruit (the Bearcats have 9 wins with his guys).

9. Connecticut - A QB away from dangerous

10. Penn State – See "Connecticut"

11. Rutgers – this is where Rutgers will settle in for the foreseeable future. 7-8 wins, minor bowl bid. Gooooo New Jersey!

12. Louisville – disappointing season. The might sink back into irrelevance. Louisville knows horses, basketball and wooden bats. Not football. Rutgers v UL this Thursday for the coveted 11 th spot on the power rankings. Huge.

13. Indiana – sentimental pick since they lost their coach during the offseason. Lost 4 Big 10 games in a row before beating Purdue to win the old wooden toilet or something.

14. Pittsburgh – maybe they have been playing possum, getting ready for the backyard brawl. Or maybe Dave Wannstedt sucks.

15. Purdue – Good 'ole Purdue. 7-8 wins, up-tempo offense, limited athletes. We'll see you again next year fellas.

16. Iowa – this is punishment for losing their season finale to Western Michigan. At least their coach is a genius.

17. Syracuse – offensive explosion against the Cats vaults them out of the cellar. Way to go Orange!

18. Northwestern – why are they still in the Big 10?

19. Minnesota – one win. One stinking win.

stink pile

2007-11-14T00:04:00.000-05:00

Bengals.

Loathsome team. It's hard to like them or take them seriously. They don't hit anybody. The roster is filled with selfish fools. The three star receivers find ways to hurt the team in their own special way (Chad drops two big passes a game and quits on two more, TJ makes sure that every referee hates him and the team by screaming at them on national television every week like a spoiled child and Chris Henry spends most of his time suspended). They rack up stupid penalties. The coaching staff cannot manage the clock or make smart challenges. The head coach is smug and overwhelmed. The front office is the worst in the league. The uniforms are hideous. The music at the stadium is tacky. The cheerleaders belong in dimly-lit strip clubs. The team slogan "do your job" is dorky and the team rally cry "who dey" is tired and stolen.

I am convinced that the Bengals will never win a playoff game with this ownership group in place. Key players:

- Mike Brown (recluse son of legend Paul Brown. He's a simpleton who does not understand free agency, let alone the salary cap. He wants to run the Bengals "his father's way". This is ironic since his father was an innovator, flexible and brilliant.)
- Katie Blackburn (Brown's daughter. She's a lawyer. Whoah! She passed a bar exam! That's craptastic. She is the Bengals' chief contract negotiator. In fact, Brown was quoted once saying that 'she is the CEO'. I wish my daddy owned a football team)
- Troy Blackburn (Katie's husband. His title is "vice president". I guess that means he's in charge of stuff. He probably went to college.)

That's the brain trust. Few credentials. Less results. And this is the family business, so they are not going anywhere. For most owners, the football franchise is their toy. Their passion project. Their real money comes from oil wells, shipping interests, stocks and fancy factories. These owners don't care if the football club loses some big bags of cash. But for the this group, season ticket sales and NFL shared revenue pays the mortgage. In short, profit, not Super Bowl wins, is the priority.

The Bengals have a great shot at finishing with a 5-2 run and slapping up another 8-8 yawn. Another average season. Another 16 games taken from Carson Palmer's career. Poor Carson. With 8 wins, the Bengals can convince desperate fans that once again, next year is the year. "If a few balls bounce our way and we stay healthy, it's playoff time! Don't miss out – renew those season tickets!" Giggle.

So what's the point? Not sure. I guess it gives me a chance to spew negative barbs at men that will never read this. Good times. Here's the players that must be removed from this football squad in the off-season:

Rudi Johnson – he's finished. I will never believe he was hurt in the Seattle game. Hamstring my ass. That's a phantom injury. He was benched and should return there. They belong together. He runs soft, he crumples to the ground on first contact and any desire he once had to be a football player is gone. I fall asleep during his runs – wake me when it's second and 12 (that's my little joke).
Deltha Oneal – coward. There's a reason Mike Shannahan ejected him from Denver after the 2003 season. He's soft, slow and tired. He quits. He stains the locker room.

I even hate his face

Dexter Jackson – washed up. Well, that implies he was once, um, washed down? He's terrible yet still has the audacity to run his mouth during games. His specialty is whiffing on tackles. And he does it right.
Justin Smith – strike up the clichés: he's got a great motor, he's a blue-collar player, he brings his lunch pail to work every day… I have another one: loud farting noise. He's an average player on an average team. That makes him a franchise player. Ugh. Let's move on.
Chad Johnson – It's time to go. Maybe you can get a first-rounder for him.
Willie Anderson – I feel bad for Willie. He's a true pro who deserved better. He can barely walk anymore.

If the Gals had some guts, vision and respect for the game (they don't), they would trade Palmer for 4 or 5 draft picks. The Bears would make that deal. Then the Bengals could start over and Palmer could play for a winner while he is in his prime. Instead, the Gals will hover around 6-9 wins for next five years and waste Palmer's formidable years.

who dey.

Big East Power Rankings

2007-10-02T22:37:00.001-04:00

1. South Florida -- Nice story. 10 years ago the the coaches' offices were trailers. No joke. Now they got some money, fans and a couple quality wins. They have no history and borrow their football stadium. They'll probably suck again when their coach leaves. They have too much competition, in terms of recruiting, in Florida.

2. West Virginia -- semi fraud. No defense and no vertical passing game. They can be stopped if you have a fast front seven. Consistently over-ranked. Rowdy, loyal, drunken fans who travel. Still one of the funnest teams to watch on television because you know there will be points and a bunch crazy triple-option plays.

3. Rutgers -- Between 1996-2002, they won 14 games. total. So everybody loves the loser that suddenly gets a date with the hot chick. Rutgers makes me yawn. I hope UC kills them again. They should be good because they are the only team in New Jersey.

4. Cincinnati -- I don't think it was by design, but the UC coaching evolution has worked to perfection. Minter raised them from an embarrassment to semi-respectable. Dantonio brought discipline and built a solid fast defense. And now Kelly brings a modern, aggressive offense and more importantly, a personality to inspire recruits and fans. (he personally dropped off pizzas to students camping out for UL tix tonight) The Cats are in very good shape though they will always have to fight to get recruits. I still only know the names of like 4 players.

5. Louisville -- fraud. It's amazing how bad they became once Petrino left. Louisville can thank ESPN and Thursday night football for the resurgence of their program. We'll see if they can maintain now that they don't own a prime time slot anymore.

6. Connecticut -- basketball school. and I don't think there are any black guys in that state so good luck recruiting. They bore me.

7. Pittsburgh -- I thought they might return to power again under Walt Harris but that fizzled. Now they got Dave Wannstadt. Giggle. They suck and their city does not care about the team (kind of like Cincy 4 weeks ago).

8. Syracuse -- what an embarrassment. Jim Brown should go on a killing spree in rage. There is no excuse for the cuse (that rhymes) to stink when they are the only team in New York. Maybe nobody wants to live in upstate NY for 4 years. I don't blame them.

Bengals 2007 scouting report

2007-09-10T10:54:00.000-04:00

Just aint' feeling it…

On one side, you can look at the 2006 Bengals and see a team that was 3 plays from finishing 11-5:

· Justin Smith was called for a personal foul (a call that EVERY analyst agreed was horrific) on a sack/forced fumble/recovery that would have iced the Tampa Bay game.
· Botched the snap on an extra point against Denver that would have sent the game into overtime, and the Bengals had all the momentum
· Missed a 40-yard field goal (with one of the most accurate kickers in the league, Shayne Graham) at the gun that would have won the season finale against Pittsburgh

On the other side, this is how the Bengals fared against their 3 toughest opponents:

· vs. New England – L, 38-13 – offense moved the ball in the first half but could not finish off drives and had to settle for field goals. Close game at the break. Then New England forced some turnovers and put the hammer down. The outcome was sealed early in the fourth quarter.
· vs. San Diego – L 49-41 – looked like Super Bowl champs in the first quarter and blazed to a 21-0 lead. Chargers scored 42 points in the second half in an embarrassing defensive meltdown.
· @. Indianapolis – L, 34-16 – see 'New England'

In big boy football, Cincy was 0-3 and was outscored 121-70 – the 3 teams averaged over 40 points. That's not sweet.

So we can suppose all we want, tweak the Bengals 2006 record and put them in the playoffs. They still were not winning a road game at Indianapolis or New England in January. Not a chance. So here we are.

I keep reading and hearing about the 'talented' Bengals and how they have the pieces to make a Super Bowl run. Hummph. Today, only 3 players could crack the starting lineup on the majority of NFL teams – Carson Palmer, TJ Houshmanzadeh and Chad Johnson. That's it. Levi could if he was healthy, but he's not, and Willie Anderson has officially become 'Old Man Willie'. Justin Smith MIGHT crack the 11 on a few teams. And when Justin Smith is the best guy you got on defense, you have a problem.

Offense

Palmer has to have a monster year if this team is going to make the playoffs. Like 4500 yds, 35 TDs, 68% completion percentage. CJ and Housh will have big years, though I am a little bored with their acts. CJ is an attention whore (we can smell our own) and TJ complains more than any player in the game. Not one game will go by this year without a temper tantrum sparked by a miscommunication with Palmer or him complaining to the refs that he was interfered with. It's to the point that I doubt he will EVER get a call. Nobody likes a whiner.

Rudi is solid but he is not a game changer – his longest carry last year went for 25 yards. This year is probably the apex for him, if it has not happened already. The offensive line is a hulking mass of men. Pass protection is high quality but the run blocking is average. You never see them fire off the ball and bury other linemen. They zone block, occupy their man and hope Rudi finds a crease. The truth is the Bengals have to pass to setup the run.

Despite two paragraphs of complaints, this is still a top-10 offense. And they will need to be for this team to win. As usual.

Defense

The Bengals had the 30th ranked defense last year. They added a rookie CB and a few castoff linebackers. Oh. Neat.

Same old story. The Bengals cannot stop a good running game for 4 quarters. They cannot get pressure on the quarterback unless they gamble and blitz. And worst of all, they cannot get a 3 and out when they need it. At its best, this defense keeps everything in front of them, lets the opposition accumulate yards between the 20s and settle for field goals, and forces (or trips into) a few turnovers.

I like the secondary. The young corners, Jonathan Joseph and Leon Hall, could be great. Madieu Williams had a tough 2006 but should become a playmaker again. The problem is if the quarterback has 6 seconds to go through his options, it does not matter how good your back 4 is.

The defensive line is forgettable – the biggest failure of the Lewis regime. The linebackers are the wild card. Ahmad Brooks is a potential beast but he looked clueless at times in the preseason. Then they have Rashad Genty that signed a big contract and underrated Landon Johnson.

Special Teams

The Bengals don't have a punt or kick off returner they are happy with. Kicker Shayne Graham has a hip pointer. But they have a good punter!

Bottom Line

The Bengals have had some tough luck injuries and disgusting suspensions that have drained the talent pool and forced them to patch holes with secondhand talent. Their ability to reload with the draft has been poor.

Player Year Round Status
Frostee Rucker 2006 3 backup, suspended for game 1
David Pollack 2005 1 out for year, maybe forever
Odell Thurman 2005 2 suspended for 2007
Chirs Henry 2005 3 suspended for first 8 games of 2007
Chirs Perry 2004 1 injured, out at least 6 games
Keiwan Ratliff 2004 2 backup, barely made team
Kelley Washington 2003 3 gone

It's hard to stay competitive in the nasty AFC when you get no value from top draft picks. This is a different team with Pollack, Thurman, Henry and Perry at 100%. But they aren't.

Prediction

The schedule is tough. After the opener with the Ravens, the Bengals have to go to Seattle and get New England at home in two of their next three games. If the Bengals drop Monday night's game to Baltimore, a 1-3 start is possible, if not probable. I think the Ravens game is a must win.

And I don't think they win it. I close my eyes and see 7-9.

The fallout

Where do the Bengals go if they finish 7-9? Or 8-8? Or anything less than a playoff birth? Cincinnati fans find themselves 5 years into the Marvin Lewis plan with an average team going backwards. Time to look for the next hot coordinator.

football and gambling

2007-09-05T09:51:00.001-04:00

With football launching it was appropriate to create a gambling account and hand over my credit card information to savvy mobsters that have found the internet and relocated to the Caribbean. God bless America. Or Antigua.

I don’t like betting college football, because the lines are so big. But my buddy and gambling advisor is unaffected by minus 18s and 19s so I decided to follow his picks for the weekend. My direction was encouraged by an opening night blowout – I took Mississippi State at +21 (cursed large numbers!) and they lost 41-0. Like plumbing and porn, it is sometimes better to leave things to the experts.

I went to BW3s because of the foul birth of the Big 10 Network forced the OSU Buckeye game onto an obscure cable channel that my picture box does not receive. I was surprised (though I should not have been) that the cable companies rolled over to this ridiculous channel that will carry a total of 100 hours of quality programming the entire year. At this rate, there will be an SEC West channel in five years. A million channels and not a thing to watch – almost makes you want to read.

The bar was perfect and I praised Allah that I was not in Columbus. Instead of a soccer riot, I was presented with a half-empty bar with wide walk lanes and clean tables with clear views to the screens. Heaven. I glided to my table and had instant service. I ordered a Coke and saw the look of despair. The waitress could see I would be occupying a table for 4 hours, was not drinking, had no friends and my bill would come to around $11. I eased her pain by adding a water to my tab.

The Buckeye game started and I watched with canned cheering. It's hard to get up for the early season blowouts. But not for the table next to me. They had a tray of yaeger shots delivered before 2pm. I would monitor them the rest of the way. At one point, one guy open hand slapped another. Nothing escalated. They were nasty to each other. They may have been going to a wedding later. One guy was wearing a generic OSU jersey with the name 'Ohio State' stenciled in the back that he got from Target. Once his alcohol level was just right, he turned his fury on a Michigan fan who was minding his own business with his two kids. He barked 'Hey dude, Michigan F**KING SUCKS!' I buried my head in shame.

By 1pm, I was no longer watching the OSU game. Michigan was having all kinds of problems with 1-AA Appalachian State. Now I am not one of those fools who says 'I have two favorite teams – OSU and whoever is playing Michigan.' Any Buckeye fan who wants Michigan to be 0-11 every year at the end of the season is daft. However, I could not resist cheering for little App. State. I would have preferred them slinging the David rock at USC, LSU or Oklahoma, but Michigan would have to do.

The game got good and I had no choice but to yelp encouragement for Appalachia. The whole while, I was monitoring the Miami game (giving 18 to Marshal), peaking at the OSU rout and texting my gambling guru who was painting his bathroom. Here are my text transcripts:

12:47PM - Bowie – UM 14 APP 14
12:54PM - guru – Go… App guys? No idea what their mascot is.
12:58PM - Bowie – Its an inbred child with 12 tows. Nickname 'dirty dozen'
1:04PM - guru – I like it, however, you have to appreciate the irony of you misspelling toes while calling someone else a hick
1:07PM - Bowie – you're a toe
1:10PM - Bowie – 21 – 14 dirty D
1:15PM - Bowie – UM fumbled the kickoff return
1:17PM - Bowie – Ground caused it. Overturned.
1:24PM - Bowie – UM fails to convert on 4th down. Reeks of desperation. Follows with personal foul. I am no longer watching the OSU game.
1:25PM - guru – (Giggles)
1:28PM - Bowie – DD DRIVING AT WILL. First and Goal.
1:34PM - Bowie – 28 14. Whole bar LOUDLY cheering for DD with mocking laughter
1:56PM - Bowie – table next to me just ordered 6 yaeger shots. Good times.
2:03PM - guru – Buckeye kicker is a 28-year old divorcee. No joke.
2:08PM - Bowie – some guy just got an open hand slap. DD at their 36.
2:11PM - guru – a slap at the bar? In the face? From a chick? Do tell.
2:13PM - Bowie – Guy on guy. Like the porn you watch. Did not escalate. After UM int cannot move the ball. Settle for 3. 28 20
2:16PM - guru – Don't concern yourself with my collection of porn. You're telling me a dude got slapped in the face and didn't fight? That's automatic throw down time.
2:23PM - Bowie – UM has no answer for DD QB. Dude just dropped WIDE OPEN touch. Settled for FG. 31-20.
2:28PM - Bowie – Mich bumbled kick and only got it out to the 10. Then they had to waste a timeout. Hart is out with an injury. Crumbling.
2:31PM - Bowie – Fumble. DD ball on 28.
2:34PM - Bowie – Stalled. Missed 46 yard field goal. That hurts.
2:37PM - Bowie -UM flinging errant deep balls. fear.
2:39PM - Bowie - 3 and out. 3 incompletes. None were close.
2:44PM - Bowie - DD driving. Fumbled. Keeping um in game.
2:45PM - Bowie - Blue has to work for every yard.
2:49PM - Bowie - 31 26. UM failed 2 pt conversion. End of 3rd. Huge drive coming up for APP.
2:59PM - Bowie - 3 and out. Punt. Personal Foul. Great field pos for um. The worm has turned.
3:02PM - Bowie - App pick. Almost goes house. Bar erupts. I am giddy.
3:05PM - Bowie - 3 and out. UM D decided to wake up. Punt. UM ball at own 25.
3:12PM - Bowie - Hart is heating up. Blue at midfield.
3:13PM - Bowie - 3rd and 14. huge.
3:21PM - Bowie - Punt. UM ball at midfield. APP starting to play scared.
3:24PM - Bowie - Hart just ripped a 55 yard highlight td run. 32 31 after failed 2 pt conv.
3:26PM - Bowie - Pick. Not sweet.
3:34PM - Bowie - UM missed FG. App ball at 45 after qb scramble. 90 seconds.
3:36PM - Bowie - Moving. At um 30.

At this point, a phone call was made after the App St. QB scrambled and threw a dart across his body that ended with a first and goal at the 5. After some terrible clock management and a knuckle ball field goal, the score was 34-32. The last text:

3:43 50 yd bomb to manningham. Ball on 20. Getting ready to kick. Unreal.

Game ends as everyone knows. Phone calls go out to everyone. Except one last text message, to my buddy who goes to Michigan grad school:

3:51PM - Bowie – oops.

So that beautiful chunk of life ended (My bill was $13, and Miami covered the spread, so I am up 17) and I scurried home to watch Notre Dame. ND is great gambling because they have hordes of fans who are crazy and bet, so they drive the lines down. Irish was giving 1.5 points to Gerogia Tech. Only scary thing is that NBC has mortgaged their college football wad into the Domers, so they NEED the Irish to be good. This leads to a few fishy calls that can drive the honest degenerate to distraction. Good thing Notre Dame is miserable. 33-3, Yellow Jackets. That's what we like to call a 'gambling layup'.

The glorious day ended with Cal (-7) covering against Tennessee. All told, the guru went 6-0. As Fast Eddie once said, 'Money won is twice as sweet as money earned'.

Church. Bengals projection

2007-08-12T02:43:00.000-04:00

This post is for Churh. Because he is a believer.

Church has a talent and commands the room, when he wants it. His candid speak, which escapes when he reloads, carries longer than the movie scenes he reenacts. His energy forces you to reevaluate the most mundane of fool scenes from a forgettable movie, or at least pay attention. I try to keep up, but I am an amateur. Sometimes I understand, sometimes I spend our entire engagement catching up. But he has a depth of sorrow, or a ball of hollow, that I cannot relate to. I just wish I could keep up. He's fast. He's honest. He's a man you are proud to know. And, he's real decent.

Church. Extra talents. holla.

Cincinnati. It is hard when your teams take entire decades off. I just assume everyone else (all pro towns in the proper 50) deals with the same thing. I don't rue the day I squatted on South-Western Ohio. I was happy, and still am, with the decision. Reds. Bengals. Bearcats. I can breathe and touch and consume these clubs, in the flesh. I love living with my teams. It's not real, and a touch crazed, but my proximity makes me feel like I am a part of the build. I am staff.

But it is time for a title. A championship. The Bengals are the best bet, though they are in the toughest professional league ever built. The AFC is a layer of teams, angry and talented, tested and ready. The wins the Bengals would have to collect would be the finest of the franchise, a wall of respect built from winning box scores.

The Cincinnati Bengals have won in spots, in controlled moments of challenge. They have had times to rise, against the talented machines (Colts, Patriots, Chargers, Broncos), and they bowed. The Bengals found ways to defer greatness. They were not ready.

Damnit, I need the Bengals to ascend. I ask my friends, regularly, who would they like to win the next championship: Bengals, Reds, or Bearcats. I want the Bengals. I want it bad. In the spirit, it is time for a brief August scouting report:

OFFENSE: Carson Palmer is healthy, and spent the off-season perfecting his rhythm with the offense, not rehabbing his knee. The Offensive line has been building and eating and preparing for this year. They are all beasts. Massive men that can move. The TEs will be a non-factor, but the receivers are stars. The only question is the 3rd string WR. There are multiple candidates. Kenny Irons season-ending injury plain sucks. Now it is a rookie from BYU or Kenny Watson. Chris Perry may never play again. I think the O-Line is going to be great – if Levi Jones is healthy. Rudi is going to have a tough load, but there are a pile of receivers that can make plays and Chris Henry comes back week 9.

DEFENSE: Bengals were 30th in total defense last year. That is not good enough. Indianapolis survived and finished at 21, so that would be a goal. But the Bengals have not added anyone. Nevermind, they did add Leon Hall, who is a quality corner. The defensive line remains the same, and it does not inspire. I feel like we have been fooled that Jumpy Geathers and Justin Smith (he's a white guy) are quality, game-changing book ends. humph. The Bengals have made them RICH. Are they the truth? The word 'average' comes to mind.

The linebackers are essential. Ahmad Brooks has not been anointed, but NEEDS to be the beast. He is a 6' 3", 260 pound explosive that can create collisions. The 2007 Bengals cannot live on turnovers alone. At some point, they will have to complete a stop on their own. The secondary could rise up – veteran safety's and talented corner backs make the unit a strength. If Dexter Jackson resurfaces, and Madieu Williams becomes, the Bengals have one of the best secondary's in the league.

The Bengals have to beat the Ravens on Monday night, week 1. The game is at home. It is not 2000 anymore – the Ravens defense is old and McNair has one foot in the grave. Here is a crazy breakdown of the season:

The schedule seems easier than last year, but you never know which team is going to rise. It looks a little better, schedule wise, but I still smell the fear. Streaks of losses or streaks of wins.

September: 2-1

W - Ravens, Monday night 7pm – McNair is washed up and the Gals do not lose high profile games (night) at home
W - @Browns – has to be a win
L - @ Seahawks – I feel like the Bengals SHOULD win, but they will lose. And it will piss us off

October: 3-1 (5-2) – and this is a stretch… the Chiefs/Jets/Steelers games are toss ups. This stretch makes the season
L - Patriots, Monday night - until they prove it, the Bengals cannot handle the Pats. Especially on Monday night.
W - @Chiefs – this game is a pain in the ass, after the Pats. This could be a loss, but I call it a win. Tough stretch.
W - Jets – playoff team from 2006. At this point in the season, the Jets could be a joke or a respectable force. The Gals need and will get a win here.
W - Steelers – The Bengals have not beat the Steelers at home since 2001. It is time.

November: 3-1 (8-3)
· W - @Bills – scary game. You have to win this, if you want play in the late winter.
· L - @Ravens – I will give this to the shitty birds, even though I know that McNair is a joke. He has no arm left. WASHED UP. The Ravens are overrated.
· W - Cardinals – you have to beat Leinhart & CO. at home, if you want to be something.
· W - Titans – see above (Vince Young will be a problem)

December: 2-3 (10-6)
· L - @Steelers – they beat the Bengals here. It’s about time. Awful game.
· L - Rams – I still respect the Rams. The Bengals cannot handle Holt, S. Jackson
· W - @49ers – frightening, terrible game. Up and coming team. The doom of SF (see: Super Bowls). The Gals have to win. Marvin understands the history. The corpse of Walsh. Bengals win on a prayer.
· W - Browns – should be a lay up. It turns into a dogfight. Bengals escape.
· L - @ Dolphins – Bengals have wild card locked. Lose the last game at South Beach.

Playoffs. The Bengals could find themselves, and inflate like they should, and wake up on the road in a January game at New England or Indy. Big boy football. They lose. I hope they win. They won't. 2008 is the Super Bowl run.

The Griffey Apology Letter

2007-08-09T23:51:00.000-04:00

It just has not worked out. That is the first thing that you have to come to terms with. The staunchest Griffey supporter would admit that. He was the name player, the star power, the difference that was going to take a 96-win team in 1999 to a perennial World Series factor.

8 years have gone by. 7 of those were losing. Almost a decade of Griffey? Is that true? I have lived in Cincinnati during that tenure, and the accrued years are a shock.

Can you name your favorite Griffey moment? Do you even have one? I know, through video, the inside-the-park-home run he finished to win a meaningless game. I remember his 500th home run on father's day, because I was standing next to mine own dad at the time. But that's about it. And that's the point.

Griffey was supposed to deliver transcendent sports moments to Reds fans. If a ball was hurtling towards the 5th row, Griffey would elevate and bring it back. If a runner dared break for home on a fly ball to center, Junior would dispatch him with a javelin to the catcher. And the 56 home runs he hit in 1997 and 1998? They would come, and at all the right times.

Majestic plays happened, but not remembered. And they just were not enough. The Reds won 85 games in 2000, and the tally was deemed a failure. Playoffs were scheduled and played and Cincinnati was a spectator, not a participant. Again. How does a team go from 96 wins to 85, after the addition of an all-century player named Ken Griffey Jr.? Doubt. Resent. The off season settled in and the balanced fan reviewed a statistic line of 40 home runs, 118 RBIs and 100 runs scored. Not a lot of Reds, in the 90s, could sniff those numbers. Maybe better days were to come for Griffey and the Reds.

6 losing seasons, and one in progress, followed. The Reds had a habit of winning early, then folding come mid-August. Their tune has changed in 2007, as the Reds lost relevance in late May when they dumped 6 in a row against the forgettable Nationals and Pirates. May 28, the season was over. It is safe to say that the Griffey acquisition has not worked.

Like any murder trial, or a losing baseball season, the goal is to assign blame. Who ruined a Cincinnati Reds World Series run? I guess you could blame the owner, or management, or the coach. But that is not fun (unless it is Jim Bowden). So you have to blame the big guy. The star with the salary. And he is a sweet target because he is aloof, distant and not like us.

Injuries did not help. From 2002-04, Griffey played in an average 69 game. The season runs 162, if you forgot. His injuries were an assortment of tears and rips and strains and ultimately, to a Reds fan, excuses. He was absent. And when he was playing, he was coming back from something. An injury. A layoff. Whatever. What were supposed to be gasps of wonder, as Griffey scaled a wall to erase a home run, became gasps of fear as we expected his legs to fail as he ran across manicured grass.

The criticism widened. The little things burn when losses outweigh the wins. Griffey would jog with disdain down to first when he dribbled ground balls. We knew, with all the certainty a fan has sitting on their couch, that Griffey caused double plays by his apathy. He was surly and short with the media. He did not engage. He did not connect.

Cincinnati is a town that worships Pete Rose because he played with an angry recklessness. Winning was essential. Ryan Freel is a town favorite, despite being an undisciplined hitter with an embarrassing steal-to-caught steel ratio. While he does possess an impressive collection of defensive classics, he does not start on any other major league team. Yet he is beloved. He hustles.

Griffey does not hustle. He does not charm the media. He seems bored. He is. Griffey's father was a major league player. He grew up in a professional locker room. He has always been the best player, on every field, in every situation. He's not impressed. If I got a microphone in my face from the local news I would blubber and fawn and try to be witty and call all my friends so they could see me at 6pm. Griffey is not me. A camera has been lurking near him his entire life. And he knows the more you give to the media the more they have to hang you with.

All the unreasonable (see: me) Reds fan sees is a fragile, spoiled, lazy player that is apathetic about the success of the team. This horrible man… how does he live with himself? Why would he drag down our beloved Red Stockings while pocketing a billion dollars?

The truth. It is so inconvenient. Ken Griffey Jr.'s 2007 salary is 8.5 million. In this era, for a man hitting .270 with 26 HRs and 71 RBI, that is a massive steal. Reds fans have wailed that his salary has hamstrung the team – forbidden them from making moves. This is false. His salary is not only manageable, it is laughable. 8.5? Eric Milton makes 9. (2007 line – 6 starts, 0-4, 5.17 ERA, 18 SOs – that is half a million per K)

Griffey, despite the losing that became common, despite a franchise in perpetual rebuild mode, has NEVER talked ill of his teammates or management. Not once. He has never demanded a trade. He never challenged the leadership of the team. He just showed up.

He is a pure player in a steroid tainted era. This FACT cannot be understated. He was and is brilliant on his own. He never pointed a finger at anyone. Griffey never discounted or dismissed the McGuire/Sosa/Bonds four-bag bonanza. He just played, while peers overindulged in synthetic drugs and glory. He kept playing. He even called Bonds to congratulate him on 755 & 6. And still his ropes to the outfield remain majestic, and stunning, and most of all clean.

It's a thing now when an athlete escapes the police blotter. Griffey did not have to adjust to avoid it. He is just a decent human. Decency eliminates the need to understand probation rules or court proceedings. He lives his life, and like most people, does not interact with law enforcement.

I am the quintessential Griffey hater. He is washed up. He is the problem. He mortgaged the Reds future. How dare he not hustle out those ground balls? If Cincy could just purge themselves of his presence, a championship would be imminent. It was Griffey, and his smug looks, that pushed the losses above wins on the scale.

I still do not like Griffey. I never will. But he is not to blame for the Reds apathetic existence. He is a pure pro. And in 2007, being a Ken Griffey Jr. is an anomaly. We will remember his grace and how blessed we were to have him. But he will be long gone with that happens. I'm just getting a jump on the apology letter.

tepid

2007-06-14T09:30:00.000-04:00

If I could use one word to describe the crowd at GABP Wednesday night it would be tepid. Almost 30K in the park and I could have carried a conversation with a friend sitting in the moon deck if I was in the left field bleachers. During crucial parts of the game, the top of the 6th after the Reds had taken the lead and Kyle Lohse was facing Vladimir Guerrero with two men on, I cheered like a fan should. Nothing obnoxious, no cussing, just words of encouragement for the Reds pitcher. And people were looking at me like I was yapping on my cell phone during a movie.

The people who attend Reds game have become THOSE FANS. Come late, leave early and display a general feeling of disinterest towards what is happening on the field. The only times a buzz ripples through the crowd is during the following:

1. Kiss Cam
2. The Wave
3. A clip of child baseball bloopers that has been shown for 2 years
4. If the Jumbotron specifically implores the fans to make noise

It's amateur hour at GABP and a little embarrassing. I never thought it would happen in Cincinnati.

The Pig

2007-06-12T09:47:00.000-04:00

I did not like dogs, or any pets, until around 2 years ago. I would pretend in public, because there is a perception that people who do not like dogs are evil. I think women use a man's rapport with dogs as a measuring device. So I faked it. I would pet them and ask their names, not caring. And then I would run to the closest basin to wash the filth from my hands. To me, they were dirty complications. Company for the lonely.

I moved in with a friend who owned a dog. Her name was Chile, which I thought was awful. She looked like a boy dog. But all dogs look male to me, except for poodles and the toys. This one was medium-sized with orange-brown hair - part chow or something. She had a proclivity for defecating in my bedroom. This soured the development of our relationship. But this passed and I forgave her. And then she won me over. She was a smart dog. I could walk her in East Walnut Hills with no leash. A feat that only now I understand. I was proud to be her part-time manager.

My next position would be co-owner. I did not apply. The title was bestowed on me when I moved in with my girlfriend. The union was a package deal that included two little dogs: a white male bijon, which is a type of poodle, and a female pug.

Despite the positive experience I had with Chile, I was still the reluctant care taker. I mused about the simplicity of our household if the dogs did not exist. I dreamed of clean floors, couches and pillows that I could lay my head on with confidence. But I began to change. It was the pug. She was a little snorting pig of an animal that farted like your dirty uncle and snored like a trombone. She did not trust me at first, which I respect. We soon fell for each other and we made music and scents out of our orifices together.

She was a proper pig, who sat like a queen. She seemed almost British, and reminded me of Angela Lansbury. Her gait was a gangsta limp and she always stood as if she was leaning in a doorway. While reluctant to begin her morning jog, she would trudge along. She tried so hard and her head tilted to the sky when she ran. And she would eat everything. Even vegetables. I loved her.

She died last week. When I saw her lying still on her side I went into a panic. She was gone but I was diluted and thought I could save her. She was still warm. I made wild calls to the authorities that offered no hope. My girlfriend allowed me to spin my wheels and get through the denial. She knew it was over and that I had to figure it out for myself.

It was the saddest night of my life. I do not know if this should embarrass me. I was very close to my dad's mother and she lived with us the last few months of her life. Her body was broken and weak and she spoke in whispers. We all knew it was coming. She was ready. She was no longer herself. The end gave her peace. My other grandparents on my mom's side were peripheral. The old couple we visited twice a year. They were gone when I was young and the relationship underdeveloped. My immediate family is living strong and I have never had a close friend go down.

So the pug was a blow to my foundation. It was unexpected, which made it fierce. The transition between a living animal to a shell was violent, like a door slamming shut. I had to drive to Home Depot to buy a shovel in order to bury my little piggy. The task was cruel and my body shed liquid from my pores and tear ducts. I was a blubbering mess. My other dog pawed at the pug, trying to wake her up. It was the sweetest gesture in the world. I cradled her into the awkward hole and held her paw. She would never let me do that before.

I understand the movie 'Pet Cemetery'. This is the one where the father of a family discovers a cursed Indian burial ground and the secret that if a dead body (of any species) is buried on the grounds, it will come back to life. The catch is that the resurrected will be evil and void of a soul. The father knows this but still buries his dead cat. It comes back evil. He knows it. After his son tragically dies, he buries him. The son comes back evil. The child, or former child, kills his wife. So the father buries the wife. This movie had frustrated me because I never believed that a man could be such a fool. I did not understand loss.

I would have taken my piggy to that cemetery during those first delirious hours. I would have thought she would come back the right way, just like the father in 'Pet Cemetery'. I understand.

My head has returned and with it clarity. I am a juvenile, in terms of coping with crisis. I am now a little better. I am a self-centric, who struggled with the concept of caring for others. I am now a little better. I am a softy, who falls in love hard. That is still the same. It took the love of a pig to figure it all out.

The pig is dead. Long live the pig.

Sobe Brenneman, Septemper 2003 - 9 June 2007

Triathlon

2007-06-05T10:14:00.000-04:00

My girlfriend and I signed up for a triathlon a month ago when it was a sexy idea. I was in trouble that morning as well so my completion of the application and payment of registration fees served as penance. The race grew closer and the idea eroded to reality. But it was not an 'Ironman' race or one that required the participants to be superior athletes. The swimming portion was swapped with a canoe or kayak ride. The swimming is what separates the jokers from the truth. We felt we could handle this version.

Saturday, June 3 was the Little Miami Triathlon. I prepared by working on a row machine, a stationery bike and running across the bridges downtown. Urban training. I ran at noon so my body had adjusted to the misery of humidity. I was ready. I knew winning the race was not a reasonable but I wanted to beat people. Whomever. Hopefully jerks.

My girlfriend and I were in the male/female division. The race began with a 6 mile duo canoe ride, then a 5.5 mile run and then an 18 mile bike ride. Our times would be added to calculate our team's result. I was not concerned with our team. I wanted my time. And one third of that time was dependant on our performance in the canoe. Cooperation was a necessary evil.

On the drive north from Cincinnati towards the town of Morrow, I told my teammate our motto: "don't fail me." The spirit of sport was alive in the car. My doomed friend tried to listen to the radio as I waxed strategy. She feared the worst. The worst would come. My frenzy was at a pitch so that I almost struck two people while parking. I labeled them 'tourists' under my breath. Wrapping a bandana around my head I told my canoe mate that she was witnessing a "switch" and I was now in battle mode. A painful smile was volleyed back. It was her last smile of the day.

At 10:20am we stood on the edge of the Little Miami holding a clunky aluminum canoe. I surveyed our group, five other teams of two, with arrogance. I knew I would be the difference, being of pure mind and body. A good start was key. At 10:24, our vessel was in the water and we were off. Before that minute was over, our boat was upside down. My river-soaked girlfriend flailed her limbs to recover the oars. In a frenzy for position, I had wielded my rowing stick like a prisoner on a Viking ship; rocking my whole body back and forth. We went over like a fat man on ice. The other canoes zipped down the river in defiance of my superior water skills. I knew at that moment the race was over.

I tried to assign blame while my teammate tried to right our ship and collect our supplies that were floating down the river. She shouted encouragement and I cursed the river gods. I was special. We got the boat upright and it was a bathtub of brown water. I had to flip the boat back over to dump the excess as the current pushed against the backs of my legs. I was delirious with rage. We managed to mount the canoe again. My moans of woe muddled her constructive advice. We capsized again a minute later. The group we had started with was out of sight. The group which started 4 minutes behind us was taking maneuvers to avoid our carcass as I stood dripping with dirty water and anguish. I was ready to quit.

My dear, sweet teammate could see that I was useless and assumed her rightful position as captain. I was ordered onto the canoe and told to paddle with controlled movements and not to move my ass from side to side. Pouting, I obeyed. I had lost. My rivals were long gone, laughing presumably. I took to my new position as row mule. It did not last and a mile later there was mutiny. The drunk captain had emerged from his slumber to guide the ship to the end. I grunted with every paddle stroke and navigated us into other canoes. I cursed the teams that had been given fiberglass canoes. I spotted short cuts that were not there - these mirages were shallow passages that grinded our craft to halt. We flipped again. It was a debacle.

And we fought like dogs. Old wounds, long healed, were reopened. I was told that I could not handle adversity. I told her that her face smelled. I was told that I was hyper-competitive and lacked maturity. I told her to wash her butt. This was the couple's retreat, where each pair takes part in activities to strengthen and foster their relationship. We were the couple that failed.

The canoe ride ended. We dismounted and trudged to a fallen tree in order to replace our soaked canoeing shoes with our soaked running shoes. My sealed plastic bags had proved ineffective. I put on my shoes to the sound of 'SPLOCH'. My broken teammate, forever with dignity, offered words of encouragement as I set off on the running leg. I grunted back.

I ran angry. I had to catch everyone that was in my original canoe group. I knew what they looked like. I caught them all by the third mile and sneered as I went past. Nobody saw or cared. Most ran with their teammate and chatted. I was alone. I can say with confidence that the running trail cut through beautiful county side but I did not see it. I was counting down quarter miles. The run ended with a steep climb of about 300 yards through the woods called 'killer hill'. I emerged from the wood and found my bike.

My girlfriend's father had lent me his old mountain bike. I don't know anything about bikes but it seemed like a solid vehicle. It could have used a tune up, or whatever bikes get. I had tested the bike in a parking lot the day before and deduced that I would only have the use of 7 of the 21 gears. This was good enough. My legs were jelly from the run so I started the ride as fast as I could before they could shut down. The wind felt good.

For this leg of the race, it was all equipment. I had strength left and labored on the pedals of my borrowed bike. Chumps with pricey Treks glided by me with half the effort. I cursed them as yuppies. At mile 6 a part from my bike fell to the road. I looked back to see an unidentifiable piece of metal jumping on the pavement and wondered out loud "I hope that's not important." I pressed and finished the triathlon in 3 hours. I calculated all the time I left out on the course due to hardware and circumstances. I came up with 15 minutes.

Somewhere in my fat head I knew I should stay at the finish line and wait for my wonderful friend to cross. That place is hidden by a layer of gluttony. Instead I went to the post party shelter to eat pulled turkey sandwiches with strangers. I was a no name guest at a table of friends. After two plates my girl rode by on her bike. She could not stand to look at me. I could feel her disappointment, which is worse than any anger. Exercising my only wisdom of the day, I shut my mouth and drove us home in silence.

Sometimes I can feel myself being an asshole. I know it is happening, while it is happening. And I just can't help myself.

Reds talk from the new me

2007-05-31T09:47:00.000-04:00

I caught myself being a consistent asshole to one of my friends. I validated my behavior by telling myself that I was "over-the-top" in my verbal strikes so he could only conclude that I was joking. I also thought my shtick was hilarious. But in my constant effort to amuse myself the insults I lobbed towards my friends face had disintegrated into something plain mean. So I am making amends.

To that end, I have decided to offer an analysis of the 2007 Cincinnati Reds campaign with an edge of positiveity and hope. It is easy to slam and tear something down. That's why the people that construct buildings get paid a lot more than the people that tear them down. And it is easy to write when the intentions are destructive. Enter in any subject matter into Google and you will be provided links to sites dedicated to pinpointing why that subject matter sucks.

I love nothing more than a long session of complaining. My harping has been loud and predictable during the Reds disastrous May (9-20). In defiance, I decided I wanted to Reds to lose 120 games. If a team is going to lose, they might as well be glorious losers. But those were efforts to insulate myself from the pain. The truth is that I am a fan. I clicked on the game Tuesday night and pumped my fist as the Reds escaped with the aide of a bases loaded double play for a 2-1 win. I want the Reds to win.

However, realistic playoff hopes ended when the Reds went 2-6 on a home stand against two of the worst teams in the National League. Now, record-wise, the Reds are the worst team. Teams look forward to series against the Reds. The team just cannot put together a complete baseball game. So these are my kind suggestions on how to fix this ball club:

1. Trade Ken Griffey Jr. – great, bold idea that never quite worked. 10 years of running down balls on the Kingdome AstroTurf killed Griffey's legs. He came to Reds with a broken body and has not been the superstar everyone wanted him to be. But he is a professional, he never trashes the Reds organization or his teammates and he wants to win. He just does not fit on this team or in this town. He hustles when he wants to and he is not the vocal leader the Reds need. And he makes too much money for a slow, injury-prone right-fielder. So trade him and trade him now because he is swinging a good bat and is as healthy as he will ever be for the rest of his life. I just fear that the Reds will keep him around so he can hit his 600th HR and pump the gate for a few weeks. This would be short-sighted. And very possible.

2. Trade Adam Dunn – he could be a great DH. He's going to average close to 40 hrs, 100 walks, 100 runs and 100 RBI for the next 5 years. But the National League does not have a DH and never will. So that's a problem. I don't think Dunn likes playing defense – I sense disdain as he lumbers after balls in the left field corner. So let's make everybody happy. Dunn does not hit balls to the warning track – outfielders do not even move when he connects. They just turn and watch. So send him to an American League team with disposable cash and a big park. His bombs are so majestic that they won't even notice the 180 strike outs for a couple years. And the Reds ball park is so small that they don't need a guy that can hit the ball 500 feet. They need a guy that hits .300 with runners in scoring position.

3. Release all relievers over the age of 33. Well, maybe keep one over that age. Having a 38-year old David Weathers on the staff is ok if it is an exception, not the rule. The Reds started the season too dependant on pitchers in the high 30s. The Reds need an arm youth movement. If Bray and Majewski, the Reds take in last year's infamous trade with the Nationals, pitch to their potential, the bullpen is halfway there.

4. Cut the chord on 2007 sooner than later and bring up the young talent. The Reds have won 3 games in a row. That is pleasant. They could play .500 ball, from this point, the rest of the season. And since the National League Central is historically terrible, that level of play might keep them hanging around. But the Reds should know that if the Central teams collapse and allow the 6th place horse to catch them around the turn, they will not win a playoff series. This team cannot beat the Braves or Dodgers or Mets in October. So what is the point of killing yourself to make the playoffs this year? The Reds should focus on 2008 and make deals to that end. Harang, Arroyo, Phillips and Hamilton are the only untouchables.

5. Raise the outfield walls. I wish the Reds would just detonate the entire stadium and start from scratch. The ball park is comfortable and that is about it. The opportunity to create a professional facility only comes around once every 20-30 years. And the Reds just did not get it right. Whatever. In the meantime, they could at least make it less of a launching pad. Raising the walls would only eliminate a few hundred seats, but it is not like attendance is not pushing the edges of capacity.

I hope those were positive suggestions. I want the Reds to rip off wins and get back in the conversation this season. I don't want to wait. I don't want another 5-year plan. But the sane man knows that 2007 is gone. Time to trim the fat, let loose the youth and bring back the love. Let's all smile again, friends.

survival

2007-05-23T00:10:00.000-04:00

I despise skilled manual labor. Painting is awful. A mess that spreads. Everything gets infected with paint. Your hands, the dirty rag, the clean rag, your neck, the radio. If you wipe one spot 3 other spots are soiled. In order to succeed, a meticulous approach is necessary. That’s why I hate skilled labor. It takes patience and process. I rely on shortcuts, eye-balling and clumsiness. In everything.

The past two nights I have been laying slate down on a basement floor. A cruel chore assigned to me by my girlfriend as punishment. My crime was not contestable so I accepted the job with head down. But today I was emboldened and challenged the merits of the penalty. She rushed me into a debate before I had put organized my arguments. I was demolished by logic topped with emotions. It was not a close match.

In volley ball knee pads, my task continued. My dogs circled and stared at the man on all floors, cursing at stone squares, but offered no assistance. They got bored and went outside to smell past poops. The work grudged on as I listened to sports talk radio. Arms caked with wet cement I felt almost masculine. I dumped the excess sludge behind a tree where grass does not grow. I was not sure what else to do with it.

There was some satisfaction, at the end. A step closer to completion and another assignment. I am free, so I could refuse these orders. But she is good and her conditions are good and I want to remain. Survival is our first instinct and it serves us well.

2 things

2007-05-08T09:27:00.000-04:00

1. Boxing is dead

I am a sucker, nay, a RUBE. A rube is the type of person living in a small town that would get overjoyed when the circus would come to town. He would take his fist full of currency down to the orgy of fried food and twirling metal and step up to every ring toss and milk bottle topple game on the property. And the man would get fleeced at every stop. And walk home empty. That's a rube.*

*A rube is also the same guy that dumps hundreds of dollars into a stripper's G-string and is convinced that she likes him. Just to give you the modern perspective.

I got fleeced by this Mayweather-De La Hoya fight. I watched the HBO special, which looking back, was more of a savvy infomercial than a documentary. I read the scouting reports. I was prepared for a monster bout of epic proportions. What I saw was two highly trained athletes dance around a ring for 36 minutes. One round bled into the next. There was no ebb or flow. No momentum shift. Just boredom.

Boxing purists will tell you it was a beautiful display by masters of the sport. Those same words could have came out of the mouth of a circus ring master. The fight was a dud. There was no sense of urgency. Mayweather, the 'pound-for-pound' champion, settled on scoring points from the outside. What real champion allows judges to decide his fate? Figure skaters.

The fact is, I pay $64 to see some violence. I want blood. I want a few heads snapped back. I want exchanges. I want punches thrown with murderous intent. And boxing failed to deliver. Again.

2. The Reds are dying

You can break baseball down into a million parts but for this point, I am going to separate the game into 4 sections: starting pitching, bullpen, offense and defense. You need each of those 4 areas to be effective to win baseball games. And the Reds just can't seem to get them all to work at the same time - and have not been able to since 1999.

The 2007 Cincinnati Reds finally have the starting pitching. This was the missing piece for so many years. The heart of the machine is pumping strong, only the liver, kidney and lungs have failed. The offense is streaky and is lousy at small ball. The defense is better but the outfield corners are slow and weak when Griffey and Dunn are playing. And the bullpen. Oh the bullpen. This group has pissed away wins and nullified quality starts. In six games, The Houston Astros have scored 17 runs in the 8th inning. Alone. All against the bullpen. That is an absolute joke.

What's worse is that the Reds have played one of the easiest schedules (29th out of 30) so far this season. They have yet to play the Braves, Mets and Dodgers. Inter-league play looms. This was the section of the season where the Reds needed to stockpile some wins. The Reds are 14-18, and 8 games back of the Brewers. After this series against the Astros, the Reds go on a west coast road trip (always a miserable stretch) against the Dodgers and Padres followed by a series in Cleveland (who are 11-3 at home). This season might be over before June.

Larkin

2007-05-01T22:42:00.000-04:00

I was listening to Sports Talk Radio today and the voice from my car speakers was debating who should be the next inductee into the Cincinnati Reds Hall of Fame. He offered a variety of candidates, including some pitchers from the 40s that I have never heard of and familiar names like Vada Pinson. The name with the strongest credentials was Barry Larkin. When his name was raised, I grunted in apathy.

This is significant because there was a time when Larkin was my favorite sports player in the world. I have in a bag somewhere every single baseball card printed with his visage from his rookie season up to 1995 – even the generic ones that were at the bottom of cereal boxes. His number 11 was on my back in every sport I played. I copied his swing. Larkin was my hero of sport.

And he was a great player. He is an automatic Cincinnati Hall of Famer that should get his number retired. He grew up in Cincinnati. He ripped the 'best shortstop in the game' title from Ozzie Smith and proved shortstops could hit for power. He hit 30/30, won the NL MVP and a World Series ring. He's an icon and a classic Red who never wore another uniform.

But a few things happened towards the end. Larkin's leadership was questionable and Reds nation furrowed its brow when he removed his captain 'C' patch after the Reds traded closer Jeff Shaw. He also crippled the Reds financially when he signed a 3 year, 27 million dollar contract at the downside of his career. This was in 2001, when 9 million a year meant something and was a massive strain on a mid-market budget. But these were minor blips. And then Ken Griffey Jr. joined the team.

When you were in grade school, most of your friends either lived in your neighborhood or were in your class. But everyone had that friend that had a buddy who lived another town. Maybe he met the kid in summer camp or they were on a traveling soccer team together. Either way, he told you how cool this kid was all the time. He had the best stuff, he won fights after school and he even cussed out his mother and got away with it. So one day, you actually meet this kid at a birthday party or something. And your buddy is gushing over him. He over-laughs at all his jokes. Demands to be on his team during games. Treats everyone else with disdain because he is arm in arm with the prince. By the end of the day, you want to kill them both.

Same thing happened when Griffey descended like a plague upon the Reds. Larkin practically drooled on him in spring training. He shadowed Griffey, assigning himself as Junior's personal tour guide. I remember seeing disgusting pictures of Larkin in the throws of laughter while attached to Griffey's side. And for the record, Griffey is not funny. During the season, Larkin would hustle to grab the seat by Griffey on the bench. He beamed like Griffey's mother when he hit a home run. It was despicable. And this was not the worst of it. Over time, Larkin acquired Griffey's laziness and sense of entitlement. In the last season of the 2004 season, Griffey left the clubhouse and his teammates in the second inning to catch an early flight home to Florida. Larkin followed him out of the stadium. Number 11 would have NEVER done this without Griffey's influence. Ever.

Bary Larkin was one of the top-20 shortstops of all-time. He had class, he was clutch, he played smart and hard and he was the face of the Cincinnati Reds baseball club throughout the 1990s. And that was something every Reds fan could be proud of.

But my last memory of Larkin was watching him play Ken Griffey Jr.'s lap dog.

East v West

2007-04-30T17:36:00.000-04:00

Writer's Note: the following rant was not written by me, but a friend who has received his mail on both the West and East side of 75N. He's a bit unstable. But aren't we all.

I am officially a lifelong Mick Cronin fan: "On the West Side, they play to win," he says. "On the East Side, everyone gets to participate."

I love it! Truer words have never been spoken... F the mother f'ing soft-ass, overpaying, sweater vest wearing, car leasing, indie rock loving, pompous, egotistical, act like you're rich, appletini drinking, helly hansen, phony f'ing bologna, see and be seen, Xavier loving, preppie f'ing east siders. F every last one of those mother f'ers. Move your fake asses to Chicago... you'll love it there! (Just make sure you're as far north as possible you pussies).

The west side is the best side, and I guarantee you that anyone who scoffs at that statement not only fits at least most of the above description, but thinks they're better than you because you live on the west side. West siders will beat their ass, and they know it. There are exponentially more punks on the east side, yet somehow all the tough guys are west siders. You won't get jumped by a group of dudes at a west side bar like you might on the east side, but you will get knocked the f out at a west side bar by 1 guy if you've got it coming. I hate those f'ing east side pussies.

Man!!! That one statement from Mick brought back feelings that I had forgotten over the last 3 years. Thank god I still feel this way.

I'm in.

2007-03-25T23:32:00.001-04:00

The Cincinnati Bearcats officially became my college basketball team in 2000. Up until 1995, I was an OSU hoops fan. And then I dated both teams. OSU was the old high school girlfriend and Cincinnati was the new chick at college. I decided to be true to the Cats in the new millennium. It had a little something to do with school pride and a larger something to do with the fact that UC was the number 1 team in the country.

Despite my greed fueled flip flop, I have stayed true to the Cats and I am now committed. They are my team, despite the horror of the 2006-07 - and any subsequent garbage pails of seasons that may follow. I attended the OSU-Cincy game this season and wanted nothing more than the Bearcats to stomp the scarlet and gray. I cheered with venom. It was a waste of time. I left the game at halftime, cursing my hometown of Columbus.

I picked up Ohio State’s progress late in the season, long after the Bearcats had become unwatchable. I viewed with passive interest. But the intrigue grew. And then the Buckeyes rose from the dead to dispatch Xavier. And then the Buckeyes were getting run out of the gym by Tennessee. But they rose again and erased a 20-point deficit. I was yelling at the end. I had turned. I thought about the Memphis game the next 40 hours. My palms were sweaty before the game and the victory tasted sweet.

So here we are. I am riding shotgun on the OSU bandwagon. They are not my team, though I will borrow them for the weekend. I may even refer to them as ‘we’ at some point. In fact, I am sure I will. And be there no doubt, I feel a little dirty. But what’s a little dirt when you can emotionally submerge yourself in sport?

I guess I should want an OSU-FLA rematch. And I would like to beat the Gators. But only because I despise Noah and Hofford. The most perfect, foolish and arrogant basketball villains alive. WWE could not do better. However, I do not, for any second, believe a win over Florida will ease the pain, or serve as revenge, for 41-14.

41-14 was a singular failure that will never be forgiven. Or forgotten.

In the meantime, I am going to enjoy the Ohio State basketball party. Even though I invited myself and all the guests know it. Fortunately, the good times are rolling so nobody cares. I hope we win.

Oh... how have you been?

2007-03-05T22:24:00.000-05:00

There's nothing better than the uncomfortable dance two people perform when they recognize each other as past acquaintances and are mortified at the thought of exchanging idle pleasantries.

I saw this girl I knew from college in the airport terminal. I had a brief affair with one of her friends. It was forgettable. But at least it was brief. Oh, the decisions I make. And seeing this friend of the friend launched me into a slideshow of old and unfortunate memories.

For her part, my face was an equal portal to past happenings that were better left for dead. She had dated one of my best buddies from college. It had ended badly. Or maybe sadly. Probably both.

Either way, neither of us wanted to engage in spoken word. I don't care how she is doing and she could care less that I am still breathing the good air. But, if cornered, we would have asked and laughed and shrugged and smiled the painful smile of courtesy while our insides decayed.

So we averted our eyes from each other's direction. Of course, she was on my plane. And her bag was next to mine on the luggage carousel. But, by sheer force of will, we managed to direct our vision ranges at opposing angles. Enough so that we could have plausibly denied that we ever saw each other. And that's all that matters.

snowstorm Pitt style

2007-02-15T01:15:00.000-05:00

OK, I have this HUGE rubber essay I am working on but in the meantime I feel the mind dump of a late-20s man who is on the road in a Mid-major town that he has been put in unwillingly may be interesting. So here we go…

At the client. They are nice enough. They want the project to work. I am out of my mind because I imagine a cash register floating next to my head and it is adding up fast. I stare blankly. This happens a lot.

Tonight I had a night alone in Pittsburgh. I immediately made plans to go to Pitt campus (I deduced that downtown Pittsburgh was a ghost town on the week nights). I went to a bar&grill that served pizzas. I bought one and watched girls sipping on sodas. I was wearing a corduroy jacket and looked like a creepy English professor. I ate my food and talked to the bartender about baseball – the Reds specifically. He was jolted when I broke down Adam Dunn. He thought he was the star of the Reds.

And while we are here, let me just say, I am poutful (word?) knowing that I have to watch (let alone cheer for… let alone COUNT ON BEING THE OFFENSIVE POWERS OF THE TEAM) Adam FUCKING Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr. slob around the outfield another season. The thought of a deep drive into left-center, and observing those two pigs chasing the pill with disdain, makes me physically ill. The day Griffey walks away from this team, I dance alone in the street. In joy.

Whatever. I eventually went to a bar called ‘Hemmingways’, which is classic. At least to me. I worship Hemmingway (I think… I like his books but the idea of Hemmingway is probably more enticing..) so I went to this bar immediately. This IS the University of Pittsburgh bar. And I was standing in the middle with a cloud of furry hair, a smoking jacket, and a look of old that reeked of ‘ex-hipster’. I wanted every group of girl, who came neatly in packages of three. The dudes were terrible and I thought I would be a beacon of light that the moths would attract to. I was wrong. As usual. I stood in the middle and was brushed by like I was not there. So I eventually left. Nobody noticed.

And I drove home.

Super Colts

2007-02-05T15:00:00.000-05:00

I am very encouraged by the Colts win in the football World Championship. It proves that a team built for offense, with a defense that can be pushed around, can actually win a Super Bowl. The 29-17 Indianapolis victory should put a smile on all fans in Bengaldom.

It shows that a team with a 16-game history of being stomped on (the Colts gave up over 170 yards rushing a game - worst in the league by almost 30 yards) can have an attitude adjustment and rise up when it matters most.

It shows that a finesse, passing team can beat ball-control, defense-centric teams - see Baltimore, New England, Chicago...

When the Colts outclassed the Bengals, beating them December 18 in a game that seems like it happened years ago, I felt Cincinnati could not win in the playoffs. This fear was supported after Cincy dumped their remaining two games. I just did not think they were close to winning a playoff game – not now or in the near future.

But now I feel better. The Colts have to some degree validated the Bengals personnel construction strategy. A dynamic offense can carry an average, opportunistic defense. Still, work needs to be done:

- The Bengals have to get some playmakers on defense. Manning threw seven interceptions in the playoffs. The Colts offense was mortal for stretches. It happens in the playoffs. When it does, you just have to get stops from your defense. You can live with a bend-but-don’t-break defense but every once in a while you need a defensive end to get a sack or a safety to light up a receiver or a corner to pick off a pass. The Bengals have emerging playmakers in Jonathan Joseph and Madieu Williams. That's about it. Odell Thurman's status is unknown. They need to work free agency but I don't know if they have the cash to do it.

- Draft a defensive end who can rush the passer. Draft another corner. Draft an interior defensive lineman.

- Cut Tory James and Deltha O’neal.

- Hire a full-time chaperone for Chris Henry (his probation states he is not allowed to go into a bar for 2 years. He can get drug tested at any time. Good luck with that.)

- Get an upper-tier corner back in free agency (Nate Clements, Buffalo?)

- Tweak the passing game. The Bears safeties were playing 18 yards off the line of scrimmage to take away the deep ball – teams do this to Cincy ALL THE TIME. What do the Colts do? They KILL you with underneath dump offs to the running backs and TEs.

- Hire more men to work in the front office. I have been reading a lot about hiring a General Manager - I did not realize that the Bengals were one of only six teams that did not have someone making personnel decisions stationed between the owner and the head coach. And none of those six teams have won a recent Super Bowl.

So there. I honestly think these off-field issues will go away. I think the Bengals could win 10+ games with this roster, a few breaks and an easier schedule. However, if they are going to beat Indianapolis/San Diego/New England in the playoffs, on the road, they need 3-4 more guys on defense. And that could take 2-3 more years to get.

Just ask Indianapolis.

The Hurricane

2007-01-29T15:50:00.000-05:00

Ronald Lee Allen came to the UC basketball team in 2005 courtesy hurricane Katrina. He had been attending Xavier University (division II) in Louisiana and the school was so decimated by the storm that it had to close. Ronnie became a rare free agent in the college ranks.

Cincinnati, faced with a depleted roster follwing the Huggins aftermath, scooped him up based on his dimensions and a couple phone calls. Ronnie called UC and offered his services. Then coach Andy Kennedy knew this much: he was 6' 9", black, and was recently on a basketball roster. That was enough.

Enter the Hurricane. Allen looks like a basketball player. He's the tallest guy on the team. He wears headbands. He's in shape. He's not white. All good qualities.

Unfortunately, he also has lead frying pans for feet and does not like to rebound. He's not very coordinated, either. That's a problem. He's so bad that he cannot even get on the court this season - even though the Bearcats are hopelessly undermanned and DESPERATE for size.

Allen's season stats (per game averages):

Minutes: 8.1
Points: 1.5
Rebounds: 1.2
Assists: .1
FG%: 33

Allen has not played in 5 out of the last 7 games. Coach Mick Cronin says his knees are bothering him and he cannot rebound. The Hurricane says his knees are fine. Mick, in other words, is being nice.

Considering his physical prowess and his inability to contribute on this basketball team (despite the diminished state of the program) I am making a case for Allen as the worst basketball player in University of Cincinnati basketball history.

Congratulations, Hurricane. If you are going to stink, you might as well reek.

The Hurricane (23) - doing what he does

Bengals are a fraud

2006-12-18T22:56:00.000-05:00

I knew this was going to happen.

Every time the Bengals (the 'new' Marvin Lewis Bengals, which has become a painfully old cliché) string some wins together, typically against inferior opponents, a good team steps up and puts them in their place. And in rude fashion. The Monday Night game against the Colts was another lesson.

The story line all week was how bad the Colts defense performs against the run. Rudi Johnson was predicted to run over 150 yards. The Bengals, as mandated by the talking heads, designed their game plan around pounding the ball. Flow of the game be damned.

So the Bengals ran and ran and ran. The Colts knew it was coming. They contained it. The Bengals never adjusted.

The Bengals pass defense is a complete joke. It's an effort from all 11. Absolutely no pass rush. ZERO. It's embarrassing. When the Bengals blitz, it is telegraphed. The safeties/linebackers crowd the line in plain site of the QB and run directly at the extra blocker in the backfield. Signal callers see Cincy on the schedule and smile. They won't hit the ground all day.

The Bengals have 2 good players in the secondary: Jonathan Joseph and Madieu Williams. Average linebackers. Robert Geathers and Justin Smith are above average linemen.

Wholesale changes need to be made on defense. Tory James is a corpse. Deltha Oneal and Dexter Jackson suck. Sam Adams is washed up. There are a whole pile of other players that are not worth mentioning.

Problem is, Bengals have mortgaged their entire future on their offense. Big money on Carson, Rudi and Chad. Too much money on Willie Anderson, an aging offensive tackle. Big money on left tackle Levi Jones who has been hurt all year. The money is on the offense.

And let's talk about that offense. They rack up yards against weaker teams. They score some points. But against the good teams? In the big games? It fades. Against New England they scored 13. 16 against the Colts. Despicable.

The Bengals offense is fragile. The margin of error is tiny. They rely on balance. The pass opens up the run which in reverse opens the play-action pass. If the Bengals get off schedule, they fall apart. If the Bengals fall behind, they get desperate and impatient. Three-and-outs start coming in bunches.

The word fragile keeps spinning in my head. I saw Chris Henry take a couple more weak attempts at balls in his range. The offensive line could not contain the Colts pass rush - even when they only sent 4. And of course the 'handle with care' king, Chad Johnson.

Have you ever seen a player need more IVs during critical moments of football games? Why in all that is good does a world-class athlete need extra fluids delivered into his body through a needle? Last night's game was played in a climate-controlled building. The Bengals ran the ball for the majority of the game, so Chad rarely had to run routes. And when they did they were short to intermediate. Why was he dehydrated? WHY?

I do not feel good about this team, going forward.

The Bengals have built a miniature, poorer version of the 2002 Colts. The 'Junior Colts' or 'Colts Lite', whatever you prefer. They have a weak defense that does not hit people. They have an expensive offense which is average when made one-dimensional. They have a team that cannot play from behind. They have a team that will be bounced early from the playoffs (if they get there) every year. That is the Bengals.

And that is not the worst part. The worst part is that you cannot make massive changes to a NFL's team personnel without completely starting over and forfeiting a couple years. This is not baseball. The Bengals cannot go out and sign the 5-6 players on defense they need next year. They can plug a couple holes and hope for the best.

Look at the Colts. They have been trying to fix their defense for 5 years and they still can't do it. Their defense is average and they will lose in the playoffs. All their cap room is on the offense side of the ball. End of story.

And then you have the mini-Colts, the 2006 Cincinnati Bengals. Where is the defensive help going to come from? Heaven? The Bengals have no money. Chad Johnson has it and he is in the trainer’s room replenishing his fluids.

It is December again and the Bengals are getting exposed. I sense a trend. I sense doom.

This is not good. I fear the worst. I see 8-8.

Go Bucks?

2006-11-28T16:15:00.000-05:00

I have become a bitter, nasty little OSU fan.

I am not sure when this happened. I think it was somewhere in between the 2002 National Championship and this year’s preseason #1 ranking. Right smack in the middle of double-digit winning seasons. Here’s what I mean:

I was walking through a grocery store in Cincinnati and I saw some Paul or Mitch walking by with his trolley wearing an OSU sweatshirt. I immediately snarled and mumbled under my breath ‘nice gear clown shoes, did you buy that from Meijer last week?’

Now that comment is pretentious, presumptuous and plain mean. I don’t know the background of this poor fellow. Maybe his is an alumnus of The Ohio State University. Maybe he grew up in Columbus and his first memories were his dad chasing him with a switch after OSU blew a late lead. Maybe he is Jim Tressel’s bastard son. Either way, I know nothing about this man and his push cart filled with frozen delights.

Regardless, I immediately classified him as a fair-weather slob who jumped on the comfy OSU bandwagon. It’s a smooth ride on this truck and everyone with a $20 Meijer gift card is invited. I hate this man. He’s sucking up to MY team. Yelling foolish remarks at the OSU players that I root for. Get your own team.

And my disdain is not limited to fans in Cincinnati. Even in Columbus, the eye of the Scarlet and Gray storm, I look down my nose at these ‘OSU fans’. When did they start cheering for the team? Last week? Last year? 2002? Do they know who Carlos Snow is? I think not.

What has happened to me? Pre-2002 National Championship, I loved everyone wearing the team colors. Hell, I would hug strangers that were simply wearing a red shirt. I remember the knowing nods I would give other people on sidewalks that had OSU across their chest. We were in this TOGETHER!

Not anymore. The last time I felt good about my ridiculous OSU pride was in Iowa City, this past October. OSU was playing Iowa and only a few thousand OSU fans could score tickets to that game. You could barely make out a few specks of red in the angry mob of yellow. We were pilgrims in an unholy land. Or so I thought. And I beat my Buckeye chest hard and loud.

And now, once again, I am just one of the many. It’s not special to be an OSU fan anymore. I missed being part of the minority. It seemed cooler then.

And really, I am just one of those jerks that wants to be wearing the stylish trucker hat when only the select elite in Hollywood are wearing them. And all my friends point and mock at my attire but this strengthens me because I know that I am on the forefront of something cool and they are too square and slow to realize it yet. And as soon as the fad hits the masses I will discard the hat and move on to something else. Basically, I am a complete loser.

So to summarize, the OSU Buckeyes, my favorite football team since I was old enough to understand what that meant, are at the pinnacle of success. And I could not be more miserable.

42-39

2006-11-20T14:16:00.001-05:00

I guess this is what winning – and winning consistently – does to you. I never felt the fear during the OSU-Michigan game. I never considered a Buckeye loss. It was not fathomable. And afterwards I was not so much euphoric as I was full, like I just stuffed myself at a buffet. I did not want to celebrate – I wanted to take a nap.

The game was great. The action moved and for once, I did not even notice the awful TV timeouts. The surroundings were too sparkling to notice. And I love when games start in the day time and end at night. It gives the contest the feel of a play, with two distinct acts. The noise level was where it needed to be and at all the right spots. We had been there before.

After the game my dad and I watched the college kids storm the field. I took a mental picture and remembered to soak it in. It did not come naturally.

Walking to my car the people we weaved through seemed subdued. It had been a long day. 8 hours of drinking and 81 points sucks it out of people. Though we were on the peaceful side of the moon – we never braved the Lane Avenue melee.

So now OSU is going to play Southern California (USC is going to win out and they will vault Michigan) in 50 days. I am not sure what is worse – the 2 ½ month layoff or the fact the game plays on a Monday night. I just hope I will learn to enjoy this more in a couple days. Right now I am just empty and wondering how long OSU can stay on top.

This is what happens when you root for Goliath.

Sunday babble

2006-10-29T23:50:00.000-05:00

booo. Having a party is always a good idea. And then you have one. And you have to accommodate and stress and make sure everyone is entertained. maybe. there is cleanup the next day. stale party smell is the worst.

I have a new job. It starts in 8 days. I do not know who they are expecting. I just want paychecks.

I was waiting for a moment - but that moment never came. All the billion other moments...

Been watching horror films non-stop for weeks so I am on edge. I was in a parking lot the other night and it was wet and windy and I anticipated a stabbing. It never came. But I thought it would. Hellraiser. Friday the 13th. Night of the Living Dead.

I should have a bat. An aluminum bat. In case I have to swing, under duress. At somebody. All men should have a bat. I figured I would just pick one up over time. You can't buy a bat. You just acquire one. Inherent it. I'm babbling.

All I really know is that the Bengals lost and the keg is still live and October is done and HBO is the best network.

Ohio State is going to beat Michigan by 2 scores.

I was always going to write, and then blah blah bladity blah. blah.

Constant fear. I complain all the time. But that has nothing to do with my fear.

The Bengals do not have enough to win in the playoffs. I know this today. The offense is not the juggernaut it claims to be. The defense is average. Not enough. And that sucks, because the season is not even at the midpoint. Maybe next year.

2006 Reds season R. I. P.

2006-09-15T15:04:00.000-04:00

And so it ends. With barely a whimper the Reds dropped a 4-2 yawner in front of 10,000 bored fans to politely excuse themselves from the 2006 playoff discussion. The offense, which has been asleep for months, failed to rouse themselves even with base runners sprinkled around the infield. This is a familiar story. Harang, one of the few constants on the Reds pitching staff lost his command in the 7th inning and let the Padres scare up 4 runs. It might as well have been 40.

The Reds were 12 games over .500 on June 8. They have gone 36-50 since. I am not sure what is the bigger story: The Reds slow descent in the second half of the season or the fact that nobody in Cincinnati gives a crap.

I have heard Reds fans (alleged) list off the reasons they will not go down to see a game all year. The top three reasons are:

1. They have other things going on
2. It is too expensive
3. The Reds are a mediocre team and will eventually fade away so why should they support a team that is not going to make the playoffs

First of all, I think all these reasons are weak but the last one really gets me. Especially because now all these pessimists feel justified in their stance and can obnoxiously proclaim ‘SEEEE, I told you they would blow it.’ Well, good for you. I for one do not regret all the games I went to. It was FUN! The Reds were in the playoff hunt so the outcome mattered. There was drama and frustration and gut wrenching losses and hopeful streaks and sickening errors and walk-off home runs. And that’s what it is all about.

Here are the facts, as I see them. Cincinnati, quite simply, is no longer a baseball town. And I think the biggest factors are television, patience and laziness.

The people of Cincinnati watch a lot of television. Cable TV, reality programs, commercials and everything spouting out of the picture box is loud and obvious because it has to be. With so many options (Time Warner Cable has over 300 channels), a message has to be slapped in the viewers face to resonate. This has conditioned human beings to have short attention spans. People, even rabid sports fans, do not have the patience or attention span to take in a 3-hour baseball game. It’s too slow and the nuances are too subtle to pick up. Most would rather catch a 45-second highlight reel on SportsCenter – the Cliff Notes of sport.

Furthermore, people are just too damn lazy to get off their fat asses, start their cars, drive to the stadium, search for a parking space, park, walk a few hundred yards to the stadium and climb some stairs to their seats. It’s too daunting. They might go if they have free tickets, but they sure as hell are not buying them.

But I will say this: the baseball season is too damned long. Do we really need 162 games to figure out who the best 4 teams are from each league? We could not accomplish this in 120? They always say a baseball season is a marathon, not a sprint. Well you know what? Marathons are long, painful and boring. By August I was running out of gas. By September, I could not tell the difference between Adam Dun and Ryan Freel. Just end already and get to the playoffs.

If MLB played 120 games, the regular season ends on August 16. The playoffs start the weekend of the 19th. We would be playing the World Series right now. Instead, they drag this thing on and on and by the time week 1 of the NFL season kicks off, everyone has forgotten about baseball except the 8 cities that have playoff teams. And even those cities are a little sick of it all.

Whatever. I had a good time. And I did my part, compiling a personal record of 20-15. More impressive was I was able to ring up 35 games AND maintain a relationship with a woman who would rather take a nap than go to game 7 of the World Series. Granted, she does fancy me a bit of a lunatic. And the worst part is she compared me to Jimmy Fallon in ‘Fever Pitch’ which made me throw up in my mouth. Oh well. Go Reds.

Bowie's Reds record:

Overall: 20-15

April - 6-4

May - 4-1

June - 2-2

July - 3-2

August - 3-5

September – 2-1

Night games: 13-8

Day games: 7-7

Record of games I went to when I should have been at work: 4-5

The Bill

150 – tickets (I got free tickets to about 15 games and when I did buy tickets, they usually were the $5 cheapies)

320 – beer ($6/beer – 1.5 beers a game)

70 – parking ($2 lot on 6th street. Good times.)

75 – food (I rarely ate at the games. Discipline, people)

$615

I hear a heart beat

2006-09-11T16:29:00.000-04:00

I was prepared to write a Reds Eulogy today, saying goodbye to the 2006 season. The West Coast calamity, followed by a series loss to the Giants, had killed my interest. I detached myself emotionally from the team – I vowed to no longer let a Reds loss affect my disposition. My Reds bracelet was coming off, I would not watch them on TV and would no longer go down to the ball yard unless I had a free ticket.

It’s not so much that the Reds went on a 3-13 skid following an August 22 victory over the Astros. It was HOW the Reds were losing. Runners stranded in scoring position. Poor base running. Lousy fielding. And, of course, the bullpen. Krivsky has been relentless in bringing in new arms to bolster the pitching staff. He has dealt young starters and said goodbye to prospects to strengthen the one weakness he knew would kill the Reds down the stretch. His efforts have been in vain. Guardado had to have Tommy John surgery. Majewski is a disaster. Bray has been inconsistent. Cromier has been consistently bad. He purchased every cleaning solution in the store to get out a nasty stain and was only able to make it a different color of terrible.

But damnit, these boys are still ALIVE! The Reds face the NL Wild Card leading Padres in a 3-game series starting tomorrow – a sweep and they are a ½ game out of the playoffs. The Reds are right there. And they don’t even need a 10-game winning streak. A 13-6 record in the final 19 games gets them in the playoffs. That’s not unreasonable.

So I am putting the Reds bracelet back on for one more series. I am re-opening the doors to my heart. Go ahead Reds, cut it out again. Anything you can do at this point will heal fast because I have the medicine. Football.

One from the Vault

2006-08-16T16:01:00.000-04:00

I have not posted in a while. But I found this picture today. It speaks volumes.

Bowie Reds Midseason Report

2006-07-27T09:10:00.000-04:00

Beware: gigantic post... I tried to sprinkle in some pictures to ease the pain of endless text. Anyway, this one is a collossus.

This is coming a bit late. The Kearns/Lopez (can we call this ‘Kearpez’ for short?) trade sent me reeling for days. I am exhausted thinking about that trade. And it’s not worth the effort anyway because we won’t know if it was the right thing to do for some time. If the Reds make the playoffs and Bray and Majewski help them get there, Krivsky comes out looking pretty good. Regardless, I do not think the Reds should have made the trade. That is my final stance. Whatever. Here we go…

Starting Pitching

Aaron ‘Harangutan’ Harang -- 10-6, 3.72 ERA, 135.1 IP, 129 SO, 4 CG

Big, lumbering workhorse who can hit 94 MPH with his fastball. Nasty slider. When he is at his best, he hammers the inside part of the plate and breaks a lot of bats. He leads the National League with 4 complete games, has logged 135.1 innings and is 2nd in the NL with 129 strike outs. He’s a beast. And he looks like a beast with his 260 pounds of carriage and pitiful facial hair. He’s even managed to slap a few key singles, despite having the swing of a 12-year old girl.

Another 9 tough innings for the Harangatan

Bronson Arroyo -- 9-6, 2.96 ERA, 137.0 IP, 103 SO, 2 CG

The MVP of the first half of the season. If Krivsky does not make the move to acquire Arroyo, the Reds are not in the postseason discussion. A true joy to watch pitch – he works fast, throws from a variety of arm angles and deploys a graceful, sweeping leg kick in his pitching motion that would make the Rockettes jealous. His strength lies in his pitch location and his ability to change speeds to keep hitters off-balance. He coaxes a lot of weak pop flies. With any kind of run support, he has 12 wins. Arroyo fields his position well, can lay down a bunt and has even provided some clutch hits (6 RBI). And guess what, he also plays guitar and sings! And I swear, if I hear his acoustic rendition of ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis one more time I am going to impale myself on a letter opener. Arroyo lives in Mt. Adams, and the word is that when he hits the bars on the weekends, he claims one woman early, takes her back to his lair and then returns for seconds before last call. So there’s that.

Renaissance Man

Elizardo ‘The Reptile’ Ramirez – 3-6, 4.21 ERA, 84.1 IP, 55 SO

The best 3-6 pitcher in all of baseball. 9 of Ramirez’s 15 starts have been quality (3 or fewer runs in at least 6 innings). At 23 years old, Ramirez already handles himself like a polished veteran. His teammates have called him the most professional player on the roster because he is very quiet and just goes about his business. Then again, he can barely speak a lick of English so what do you expect. With the failure of Dave Williams and the spotty health of Claussen/Milton, Ramirez has been vital to the team’s success. He’s listed at 6’ 0”, 180 lbs but he is smaller than that. While not an overpowering pitcher, he spots his pitches well and challenges hitters. Solid 4/5 starter.

Eric ‘Uncle Milty’ Milton – 6-6, 5.47 ERA, 100.1 IP, 61 SO, 19HR

Arguably the most overpaid player in all of baseball. And that would not be so bad, if he was on the Yankees. But when a player is making $9.8M on a team with a $60M (15% of team salary) payroll and said player is a below-average pitcher; that is disgusting. Milton is a terrible fit for the Reds and probably Dan O’Brien’s worst signing of his tenure. He’s a fly ball pitcher in a hitter’s park which translates into souvenirs for fans in the outfield bleachers. On a positive note, Milton is the model of consistency – you can set your watch to his starts. He can get through 5 innings of 2-run ball (those runs coming off of solo HRs) and look decent. In the 6th, he absolutely falls apart. The hitters have seen him a couple times, he loses control and velocity, and it becomes batting practice. At this point in the game, he is only getting outs if guys hit the ball at people.

Brandon Claussen – 3-8, 6.19 ERA, 77IP, 57 SO

Claussen’s numbers are terrible. He’s good for one solid start every 3 outings. That’s about it. Average stuff. Average velocity. Average man. Not the stud the Reds thought they were getting from the Yankees when they traded Aaron Boone. He’s on the DL right now and I don’t think anybody cares.

Joe Mays – 0-5, 8.70 ERA, 50.2 IP, 25 SO

Mays had one great season with Minnesota in 2001 when he won 17 games and posted a 3.16 ERA. He hasn’t exactly been able to capture the magic since then. He was despicable for the Royals this season going 0-4 with a 10.27 ERA before being released and picked up by the Reds. You really have to suck to be a pitcher and released by the worst team in baseball. Krivsky, who was in Minnesota during Mays’ great season, took a chance that a change of scenery would be the cure. He was also going off the theory that ‘well, he is terrible in the AL but the NL hitters have not seen him so maybe he can come over here and win a couple games before they figure him out’. Not so much.

Grade: B
Despite only having 3 dependable starters, the Reds’ starting pitching has been the most consistent component of the team and the principal reason why they are in the hunt for a playoff birth. Mays should never start again. The Reds need a consistent 4th starter – then Ramirez and Claussen can fight over the 5th spot. Milton is only the 3rd starter because of his salary. Paul Wilson is on the mend and hoping to get back with the club but that is a pipe dream. He’s done. Homer Bailey is destroying batters in AA Chatanooga (After five starts, Bailey is 4-0, with a 0.88 ERA, and carries over a 5:1 strikeout-to-walk ratio (31:6)) but Krivsky has vowed not to bring Bailey up to pitch this year.

Relief pitching

Todd ‘Hot’ Coffey – 6-4, 3.24 ERA, 50.0 IP, 34 SO, 7 saves

The first time I saw this giant red head sprint out to the mound from the bullpen I was saddened because I knew I would never again witness anything so fantastic for the rest of my life. Coffey was an absolute stud for the first two months of the season, posting a sub 1.0 ERA. He can hit mid-90s with his fastball and has a nice slider. His success got the fans a little greedy. Reds country expected perfection every outing. Coffey was moved to the closer role and his performance suffered. He became very hittable. Coffey has been moved back to a setup role where he was brilliant in April and May.

‘Every day’ Eddie Guardado – 1-3, 4.55 ERA, 29.2 IP, 27 SO, 10 saves

Gone are his glory days in Minnesota, where he racked up 86 saves in the 2002-03 seasons. Still, he closed down 36 games for Seattle last year and brings a winning, veteran presence to the bullpen. He has been handed the closer role and is 5 for 5 in his opportunities with the Reds. He’s a fireplug and an excitable addition to the clubhouse. The Reds gave up pitcher Travis Chick (awful name) to get him.

David ‘Stormy’ Weathers – 3-3, 4.93, 45.2 IP, 25 SO, 9 saves (9 for 15), 10HR

The closer by default early in the season, Weathers was an impressive 8 for 9 in save opportunities in April. However, he was shaky and was eventually replaced by Coffey. At 37 years old, Weathers best days are behind him and he does not have many pitches left in his arm. He’ll need rest between outings to be effective down the stretch. He gives up a lot of HRs. He also has no chin, so his flabby neck stretches straight from the top of his chest to his bottom lip.

Gary Majewski – 4-3, 4.07 ERA, 59.2 IP, 40 SO

Key component (or at least highest rated player) in the trade with the Nationals. Hard throwing right hander who challenges hitters. He is under pressure to succeed, since he represents the return for Kearpez. So far, he has not delivered. He has posted a 10+ ERA in his 5 appearances. The Reds desperately need him to pitch at a high level. If he bombs, the trade looks very bad. Majewski looks like a pirate. A fruity pirate.

ARRRR... Shiver me timbers!!!

Bill Bray – 2-1, 3.54 ERA, 25.2 IP, 20 SO

The left-handed portion of the Nationals trade. Young, tall, power reliever. He’s been fantastic in his 4 appearances for the Reds.

Kent Merker – 1-1, 4.50 ERA, 26.0, 15 SO

Another old fart in the final days of his pitching career. People like to call guys like this a ‘crafty veteran’, which is short for ‘old man that can barely hit 90 on the radar and does not have explosive stuff so he has to throw a bunch of junk at hitters and pray that they make a mistake and don’t hit the ball into the stands’. He will take the role as left handed specialist the rest of the season. Merker just got put on the DL for elbow problems – Shackleford has taken his place.

Jason Standridge – 1-1, 4.15 ERA, 13.0 IP, 13 SO

Big, hard-throwing right hander who LOOKS like a stud pitcher. His actual pitching has been less than desired. Admittedly, he seems to get tormented with bloop singles and shaky defense. I think he can be a good pitcher. His last 4 outings have been stellar.

The rest – Matt Belilse (went on DL, rehabbing in AAA), Brian Shackleford (cleared of sexual assault charges, just called up to replace Merker)

Grade: C-
The much maligned bullpen got a big boost with the addition of Guardado, Bray and Majewski. The hope is this will take the strain off of Coffey and Weathers having to pitch shutout baseball game in and game out. If they return to their April/May form and Bray/Majewski pitch like the guys the Reds organization NEEDS them to be, then the pen could be the strength of the team.

Infield

Scott Hatteberg, 1B -- .317 AVG, 9HR, 22 2B, 32 RBI, .413 OBP

The most consistent hitter in the Reds lineup. Hatteberg has been good in the clutch and almost always hits the ball hard. He’s been absolutely raking the last couple months. He makes the pitcher work every at bat, often working deep counts. His fielding is spot on. Not only do I not recall him making an error, he has valiantly contained the random projectiles fired in his direction (sort of) by Encarnacion and Lopez all year long. Hatteberg has made Sean Casey a memory, putting up better numbers for a fraction of the cost. (2006 salaries - Hatteberg – 750K, Casey – 8.5M) Without Hatteberg’s consistent play, the Reds would have had to put Dunn at first. I shudder imagining Dunn scooping balls at first.

Brandon Phillips, 2B -- .292 AVG, 8 HR, 18 SB, 46 R, 49 RBI

Nobody hits more line drives on the Reds than Brandon Phillips. He sprays the ball to all fields and is just scratching the surface of his potential at the plate. Phillips is an aggressive hitter with speed (18 for 20 on steal attempts) to pester and burn defenses. A great and cheap pickup by Krivsky, Phillips took the starting job from Tony Womack and ran him out of Cincinnati. Phillips is the best athlete on the team and has range on the right side of the infield that reminds me of Pokey Reese. Strong arm. He is the Reds present and future at second though they may move him to shortstop in 2007.

Royce Clayton , SS-- .274 AVG, 23 2B, 10 SB

Veteran shortstop who came over in the Kearpez trade. The word is that he is flawless in the field and will shore up the left side of the infield. Still has some speed. Slap hitter with no power. He’s had some keys hits for the Reds since the trade and has postseason experience.

Edwin ‘EE-5’ Encarnacion, 3B -- .293, 7HR, 21 2B, 41 RBI, .386 OBP

Could easily be on his way to 100 RBI this season if it wasn’t for his injury and the fact that he likes to throw the ball into the stands instead of into the first basemen’s glove. At 23 years old, EE is already a professional hitter. He is patient at the plate and is a line drive machine. The Reds midseason offensive swoon started when EE-5 went on the DL. They are a different team when he is in the lineup. However, Narron has shown that he will no longer tolerate spotty play in the field – especially since he has quality options with Aurilia and Freel. Encarnacion has shown that he can make the great play, but he has to consistently make the routine if he wants to play every day.

I think Edwin E. looks like Old Dirty Bastard.

Juan Castro, infielder -- .250 AVG, 3HR, 20 RBI, 1 SB

Manos del Oro. That’s ‘hands of gold’ to you. Castro is a delight to watch in the infield. He is flawless. He exerts only the necessary effort and makes fielding look easy. He turns the quickest double play in the majors. Castro is the epitome of a defensive specialist. I think he is a better hitter than people give him credit for. He’ll give the team good ABs in the clutch.

Rich Aurilia, infielder -- .279 AVG, 12 HR, 17 2B, 37 RBI

Another invaluable component of the Reds’ success. If the Reds were down to their last AB of the season, I would want Aurilia at the plate. He’s a pro. He’s a tough out and can jolt the ball to all fields. He can play every infield position (the Reds best fielding first and third basemen) and has delivered in pinch -hit appearances. Maybe the best pickup from the Dan O’Brien era.

David Ross, C -- .311 AVG, 12 HR, 31 RBI, .384 OBP

Another jewel singing by Krivsky and co. Ross was a perennial soft-hitting (career .238 AVG) catcher who made the big leagues because of his defensive skills. Now (before he went on the DL) he is swinging the bat like Johnny Bench. His defense has not blown me away (he blew two plays at the plate early in the season), but his offense has made believers. Once he returns from injury, the starting catcher’s job is his to lose.

Javier Valentin -- .229 AVG, 2 HR, 16 RBI

The Reds best pinch hitter, Valentin has 8 pinch hits on the year including 2 game winnings hits and a 3-run bomb that sent a game against Atlanta into extra innings (the Reds ended up losing). He’s a switch-hitter, and is a much better hitter than his .229 average. Valentin’s first language is Spanish, so he is an asset when Ramirez takes the mound. A perfect backup catcher.

Jason ‘La Poo’ LaRue -- .206 AVG, 5HR, 17 RBI

A French, hillbilly catcher. Those words should never be in the same sentence together. Ross’ emergence has made LaRue the most expendable Red. Reds coaches will tell you that he calls a good game behind the plate but that’s just because they have nothing else nice to say. He’s getting ABs right now with Ross on the DL and has raised his average above the Medoza line. Still, as a rule, he’s an easy out. And a few weeks ago he whiffed on a suicide bunt attempt (the pitch was right down the middle) – a disgraceful display of bat control that I will never forgive as long as I live. The Reds would love to deal him but nobody wants a weak-hitting catcher that makes $3.9M a year. LaRue just shaved off a ridiculous ‘Fu Manchu’ mustache that I can’t even talk about and he calls himself ‘Cowboy’.

LaRue likes tractors because he is a country boy. And they can survive.

Grade: B-

Ross and Phillips were considerations for this year’s all star team. Hatteberg and Encarnacion have provided consistent offense. The fielding improved with the acquisition of Clayton. The Reds also have reliable backups (that could start on other teams) in Aurilia, Castro, Valentin and Freel. And though generally perceived as a joke, the Reds also have the deepest catching rotation in the league.

Outfield

Ken Griffey Jr., CF -- .240 AVG, 19 HR, 53 RBI

The Reds are a powerful team when Griffey is at his best. He can carry the team for stretches. He has come through in clutch situations. Unfortunately, his flashes of brilliance are becoming less often and not as bright. He’s simply not that beast (like Pujols or Ortiz or even Carlos Lee) in the middle of the lineup that opposing pitchers fear. His bat cannot get through the zone like it used to. He has to guess now. When he guesses right, he can still unleash and drive a ball to far away places. But when he guesses wrong, he can get blown away by a sub-90 fastball and made to look foolish by a slider in the dirt. It’s actually a little sad. He’s been awful in July, batting .188 – lowering is average to .240 and his OBP to under .300. Griffey has been relatively healthy, appearing in almost 70% of the Reds games. His defense has been admirable.

Adam ‘The Donkey’ Dunn, LF -- .246 AVG, 30 HR, 66 RBI, 67 R, 73 BB, .378 OBP, .550 SLG, 113 SO

I have expelled so much venom towards Dunn that I don’t think I have any left. More than anything, my problem has been this (and this is a quote from my dad): his unwillingness to adjust his swing based on the game situation and/or defensive alignment presented. To me, that is the mark of a selfish player. Whatever. The fact is that Dunn, again, is going to hit over 40 HRs, drive in 100 RBI and score 100 runs. He’ll also strike out 175 times. His statistics are big and strange. But I must admit, hit hitting has been great the last few weeks – he’s swinging earlier in the count, slapping singles and delivering with runners in scoring position (RISP). His average even hit .250 last week. Beyond his play, the following two things have raised my opinion of Dunn:
1. He is one of the premier power hitters in the league yet the Reds (because of his struggles with RISP and propensity to draw walks) moved him to 2nd in the batting order. Dunn did not complain and has actually embraced his new location.
2. After the Kearns trade (Dunn’s close buddy since their days in the minor leagues), Dunn did not bitch or curse the Reds.

Ryan Freel, RF – utility player -- .303 AVG, 7HR, 20 RBI, 21 SB, 45R, .390 OBP

The little Red that could. Every true Reds’ fan favorite player. He’s small, he’s feisty, he’s dirty, he’s fast. He’s 180 lbs of dynamite in cleats. Freel is the definition of a utility player, seeing time at every position this year save pitcher, catcher and first base (though he would play those too if you dared him). He’s the one player I hate to see out of the lineup. However, history has proven that Freel is not an every day player (the little fella plum tuckers out). He is better served as a 4-5 start-a-week guy with pinch running/defensive appearances sprinkled in between. He has developed into a solid hitter to all fields and is patient at the plate (sometimes too patient – he has 52 strike outs this year, a majority of those looking). When he gets on base, everyone knows something is going to happen – good or bad. If Freel has not played in a couple days, he is like a caged lion. He gets so anxious to make an immediate impact that he will try to take the extra base when it is not there or get picked off. That’s the trade off with Freel. Bottom line is he is a player and the Reds are happy to have him. He is everything good about baseball.

Chris Denorfia, LF -- .267 AVG, 0HR, 3 RBI

He was tearing it up in Louisville (he made the AAA All-Star team) which made the Kearpez deal a little easier to rubber stamp for the Reds. I get the feeling he is one of those guys that are great in the Minors but cannot hit Major League pitching. He looks overmatched. Still, he is fast so if he can slap some singles around and get on base he could be a nice asset.

Grade: C

The Reds have a third of their team salary tied up in the outfield. That means this group should be carrying the team. They are not. But they could, if Griffey gets hot and Dunn/Freel maintain their July production.

Offense Grade: B

The Reds are top-5 in most offensive categories in the National League. They lead the league in HRs and rely heavily on the long ball to score runs. As the season wears on, the Reds will have to find other ways to score for the loss of Kearpez reduced their power numbers considerably. In the games the Reds lose, they struggle getting runners in from second and third with less than two outs. They will have to be more efficient if they are going to make the playoffs.

Defense Grade: C

The Reds are not so good that they can afford to give teams extra outs. Most teams aren’t. But the Reds appear to be sharper of late and have a deep bench so they always have defensive substitution options late in games.

October baseball?

I don’t know. I feel like the Cardinals gave everyone a shot at taking the NL Central and no one could string some wins together and take advantage. Oh well. They’re gone. So that leaves the Wild Card. What scares me is that the Reds have already made all the big moves they have the capacity to make. The guys on the roster right now will have to win it on their own. Any other deal will just be window dressing. The Giants, Dodgers, Padres and Diamondbacks have yet to make any moves. And Houston scares me. The 3-game series starting Tuesday in Texas (Harang vs. Clemens) is HUGE.

The Reds have to get another starting pitcher for the 5th spot and I don’t know where they are going to get it from. Anybody decent is going to be devoured. Claussen would be the easiest solution, but he has really struggled. Wilson would be a miracle. There are a couple guys in AAA (Justin Germano is the best) but they are average talents.

Meanwhile, the Reds have to hope and pray that their 23-year old fourth starter (Ramirez) maintains his current level of performance – and there is no track record to prove that he can. Also, they must get REASONABLE outings from Milton.

In the end, if I had $5 to my name and I had to bet it on the Reds postseason chances, I would bet against them.

Top 6 Cincinnati Reds Salaries (this is a little gross):

PLAYER SALARY (US$)
1. Eric Milton 9,833,333
2. Ken Griffey Jr. 9,044,182
3. Adam Dunn 7,500,000
4. Eddie Guardado 6,250,000
5. Jason LaRue 3,900,000
6. Paul Wilson 3,750,000

Reds reach for arms

2006-07-14T10:54:00.000-04:00

I was feeling good about the trade last night. Now I don't like it. Wait, now I like it again. Here's the deal:

The Reds have been so bad the last 5 years that GM Wayne Krivsky is getting a pass on this just because he 'did something'. However, just because a move is ballsy doesn't mean that it is good.

But it is refreshing to see the Reds actually play for the season they are in - not two seasons down the road that never come.

The Reds have replacements in the OF (Denorfia and Freel) and Royce Clayton is a better defensive SS. The Reds are losing some power for higher averages (which they need). Where they lose speed in Lopez, they get it back in Denorfia/Feel so that is a wash. And now the bullpen is one of the best in the league.

Lopez and Kearns, very excited about moving to the nation's capital

The Reds are also getting rid of over 200 strike outs a year. On ESPN.com, they take a player's career stats and project what their numbers would be over full 162-game season. Kearns and Lopez project to strike out 148 and 143 time respectively over a full set of games. That is 291 trips to the plate for two regulars where the ball is not even put in play. That’s a bunch. With Dunn and Griffey piling up their own bloated stacks of Ks, the Reds had to clear a path for some contact hitters to get in the mix.

Still, I really can't remember a team trading two regulars (under 26 yrs old with cheap contracts) and a #1 draft pick for middle relief. It seems desperate. And it seems like if the Reds waited a little bit longer they could have gotten some relievers on the cheap.

Regardless, it is always easier to stomach a trade when the team goes out and wins a ball game, which the Reds did last night. So I guess if the Reds win the 8-9 games in a row, the move was genius.

World Cup Thoughts

2006-07-11T14:53:00.000-04:00

32 countries. 64 games. 1-1 tie after 120+ grueling minutes. And then it was all decided on penalty kicks. Curious.

The play of the game was Italian goalie Buffon's fantastic save, deflecting a rocket header by France striker Zinedine Zidane in the 104th minute. This beautiful exhibition of football will forever be overshadowed by Zidane's brutal exhibition of justice when he planted his bald dome into the chest of Italian defenseman Marco Materazzi. (Still, that was the sweetest head butt I have ever seen in my life... so good times)

The victory by the Italians is the worst thing that could have happened to the sport because other teams are going to start styling their play after the Azzuri. All the Italians do is stack their defensive side, play conservative football and hope for a counterstrike. It's boring soccer and bad for the game. Furthermore, they are the cheapest team in the world and take more dives than any other side. And their deliberate, fraudulent play was awarded with the world cup trophy. That's not sweet.

Proposed changes for next year:

- Ease up on the red/yellow cards in the early rounds
- Have an independent committee (appointed by FIFA?) review the game tapes and penalize players for over-the-top flops (players pretending to be tripped then subsequently writhing in pain on the pitch) during matches. So, if a player flopped in a match and it was an obvious sham fall, he starts the next match with a yellow card. If a player flops more than once, he gets a red card and cannot play in the next match - and their team has to play a man down
- If a player has to go off the pitch on a stretcher, they cannot return for AT LEAST 5 minutes
- bring back the golden goal (first team to score wins) in OT
- Quit the ridiculous, arbitrary 'stoppage time' - just stop the damn clock for serious injuries. And if they insist on counting UP to 45/90 minutes, fine. Just end the half/game at the 45/90 mark.
- Do not let matches end with penalty kicks. After the first two OTs, continue to have 15 minute periods and just start removing 1 player a side until someone scores.

SOBE

2006-07-07T14:49:00.000-04:00

I went to South Beach, Miami for a bachelor party. My group did what we were supposed to do. Big clubs, big toasts, high fives, high balls, loud guffaws, loud nights. The strip, the beach, the scene, the look, the dress, credit card slips. We drank, we ate cheap food, we bought over-priced towels, we pieced the nights together the next day, we spied at topless girls and compared notes and we got out alive.

A couple points:

- The Orange Bowl is a relic. It’s hard to believe that this crumbling, weathered structure was the site for major sporting events including a couple Super Bowls.
- Never, ever go on a bachelor party longer than 3 days
- South Beach, and I mean the actual BEACH, is the largest ash tray in the world.
- The strip is absolutely bumping, every day, save for a 2 hour period between 7-9am. That’s it. During this time bar owners are busy spraying down their facility and hope that some of the sin runs down the drain.
- The hotel I stayed at, the Clevelander, smelled like the geriatric floor of a hospital. Vomitous, feces and body odors poorly masked by a layer of putrid floral air fresheners and bleach.
- ESPN is always better when you watch it in another city.
- After spending 4 days living out of a closet with 3 other males, it is required that a full week expires before you can speak to one of them again

Miami Night Club ratios:
11pm – empty
11:30pm – more bouncers/bartenders than patrons
12:30am – half capacity – 80% women (good times)
1:30am – full capacity – 60% women (still good times)
2:30am – over-stuffed capacity – 45% women (impending doom)
3:30am – half capacity – 5% women, 95% zombie-like mammals (the creepy hour, time to jettison)

Now’s the Time

2006-06-26T17:06:00.000-04:00

41-35. The Cincinnati Reds have streaked and floundered and slugged and whiffed their way to this record. It’s not the prettiest record but it’s good enough for third-best in the National League (granted, with the way the junior circuit is absolutely KILLING the NL, that is not saying much). The Reds are first in the wild card race and since the Cardinals just got stomped by the AL Central bullies for 6 games in a row, they find themselves only 2 back in the NL Central.

So what kind of team do the Reds have? A streaky offensive squad that cannot get the little hit in big situations and relies almost exclusively on the long ball. A maddening defensive team that is prone to making the spectacular play but cannot make the routine 6-4-3 in the late innings. A pitching staff where 3 of the starters (Arroyo, Harang, Ramirez) consistently make quality starts and have been the core strength of the team. This same staff has 2 starters (Milton, Claussen) who get crushed one outing then pitch like Warren Spahn the next. The bullpen consists of one reliable closer, a long relief man whose best pitch is a 65-MPH change up and collection of washed-up veterans (Merker, Yan, Mays) and no-name stiffs (Shackledford, Standridge). If you can sum of the 2005 version of the Cincinnati words in 6 words or less, I owe you a Coke.

41-35. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore how they got there. The Reds are there. And now tomorrow is the most important day. Actually, the next 6 days are all equally important.

The Reds begin six straight home games this Tuesday (6.27.2006) against the Kansas City Royals and the Cleveland Indians. The Royals are the worst team in baseball and were eliminated from postseason play during spring training. The Indians are already looking at 2007. These are the kind of home series a good baseball team should win.

The Reds have had poor home attendance. The players (indirectly) complain about the small crowds and the apparent lack of faith by Reds Nation. However, when the fans came out to the yard, the Reds rewarded them by falling on their face (Cincinnati is 1-8 in games in which 30,000+ fans were in attendance). If the Reds are EVER going to improve on their ugly 17-19 record at Great American Ballpark, the next two series are the ones to do it in.

If the Reds are serious about postseason baseball, they must win 4 of the next 6 games. Anything less in unacceptable.

There are no more excuses. These two teams are weak. Every starter should finish 6 innings. The hitters should be spraying balls all over the field. The defense should play at a professional level. This is where the Reds should display the separation between themselves and the weak.

And if the Reds crap the bed they deserve to play in front of a half-empty stadium. And if I hear another excuse why the Reds aren’t hitting, I think I may explode. The Reds are the only team I have EVER heard of actually COMPLAINING about facing rookie pitchers. Are they serious? This is a problem? The Reds claim that these rookie pitchers are tough because they have never seen them before. That is LAUGHABLE. Guess what, that means the pitcher has never faced the Reds hitters either. I would like to think that Ken GriffeyJr, an all-century player, would have an advantage over a rookie pitcher. But that’s just me.

I imagine that most teams would lick their chops if they saw a rookie pitcher warming up in the opposing team’s bullpen. Not the Reds. Apparently they fear the unknown. Teams are starting to schedule their rookie’s inaugural starts to coincide with match ups against the Reds. This is no accident.

The fact is the Reds have a bunch of hacks that have played too many games in GABP and are now trying to hit the ball out of the park on every swing. The strike outs that this team is racking up are staggering:

Adam Dunn – 86
Austin Kearns – 72
Felipe Lopez – 62
Ryan Freel – 41

We all know about the horror movie that is Dunn, but 72 for Kearns? 62 for Lopez? (the man bats 2nd in the lineup, traditionally reserved for a hitter that puts the ball in play and rarely goes down on strikes). 41 for Freel? How? Why?

I can forget all these shortcomings if the Reds just take care of business the next couple weeks before the all star break. The 4 teams (KC, Cleveland, Milwaukee, Atlanta) the Reds face range from below average to terrible. The combined records are 126-174 (a .420 winning percentage). The Reds should pile up the wins against these teams and it all starts with 6 games at home. I want 4 wins. The Reds need 4 wins.

48 hours

2006-06-19T16:10:00.000-04:00

I participated in a 48-hour film project last weekend. The film project is being held in 33 cities around the United States. This is the fourth year the project has come to Cincinnati.

The premise is this: film teams meet with the city organizer on Friday night to turn in on all their paper work and confirm participation (there was a $125 entry fee). Teams are divided into 4 groups. Each group will then draw lots to determine what genre their film must be made in (genres includes horror, comedy, silent film, science fiction, drama, western, spy, etc.). After that, each team is given a line, a prop and a character that must appear in the film. For Cincinnati, those 3 components were ‘That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard’, an egg, and a preacher named Paula/Paul Schwartz.

And that is that. Once the genres and parameters and handed out, everyone is released and has 48 hours to complete a film and turn it in. Each film had a required minimum length of 4 minutes and a maximum of 7 minutes.

I have a friend who is a producer/editor in Cincinnati that decided he was going to put together a team to compete in the project. I invited myself on his team as a writer. The ability to say ‘I am a writer on a film team’ was worth the commitment. Mark (the producer) and I showed up Friday down at Media Bridges (the locale for 48-hour kick off meeting) not knowing if we were even going to be able to compete in the project. 48 teams had already signed up and they had turned away all new entrants. We were put on the ‘waiting list’ and showed up in the hope that one of the teams flaked out.

At this point, I was struggling with a bout of laziness and fear. The reality of spending my weekend working on a film had lost its sexiness. I hate working. And I was doubting my ability to generate an original script. I wanted out. I was praying that all 48 teams would show up and we would not be allowed to compete. I could have claimed that I had ‘made an effort’. All I wanted at this point was to go to the Reds game and numb myself with beer.

Alas, I was not so lucky. Exactly 47 teams showed up to the project launch. We made the cut. 1 team away. Now we were committed. Fear expanded my chest cavity. We drew Science Fiction. And just like that, we were heading out into the night to create a moive. I wanted to hide under a table.

Back at the editors house the film crew started to roll in. Ideas were kicked around. At some point during the previous week, the writing team (which consisted of Mark and I) had decided to do build a story around the urban legend of people conspiring to seduce patrons in bars and removing their kidneys after rendering them unconscious. This was Mark’s idea and he loved it. I had never heard of this urban legend and I thought it was stupid. We would disagree again. Regardless of my attempts to convince him that a kidney heist was folly, it remained central in our minds. I was unable to generate ideas without revolving them around a kidney.

Our cast consisted of 2 guys and a girl. We wanted the two guys to be friends and to both be chasing the woman, for different reasons. We hoped to capture this in parallel without letting the audience know the motives of each guy. This is where the kidney thing came in – we wanted one guy needing a kidney transplant and the other just trying to get laid. We wanted the woman to be playing them both. While we were trying to nail down the plot with the crew, I mumbled ‘maybe the woman could be an alien on an intergalactic scavenger hunt’ – this drew ooohs and ahhhs from the crew. So then we tried to add that component. The plot became confusing so the kidney stuff was dropped. We didn’t have much left.

At this point, we did not have confidence in our female lead. Mark got an email from a girl that night indicating that she was willing to be in our film. The message included head shots and her resume. She was a red head. We shrugged and gave her a call. The first thing out of her mouth was ‘I should probably tell you that I am only 16-years old so I can’t do any nude scenes. Everything else is OK’. We were speechless. I was struck giddy and demanded that Mark hire this woman immediately. He refused.

It was getting on 11:30 and we had not started on a script and barely had an outline to the story. The crew had been hanging around and would not let us breathe, let alone write. Now the house was empty, save Mark and I. It was time to create a story. It did not go well. Mark and I have fundamental differences on what we believe is quality. At least, that was the case on this night. There is no one to blame, it was just a matter of taste. We could not agree on the dialogue or the direction of the story. Our heads repeatedly slammed together. In our efforts for diplomacy, we found compromises to split the gap between the discrepancies. What happened was that we created a story that neither of us liked.

Panic set in at 2am. Our brains were fried. We read over what we had (4 pages of compromises) and were appalled. The script was awful – or so we thought at the time. This was the very point were I emphatically announced to Mark that ‘I do not want my name associated with this film in any way, shape or form’. I was disgusted and wanted out. This was the low point. Mark was punch drunk with fatigue and laughed me off. We grinded out 2 more pages of script in an hour to wrap a bow around what had become a colossal crap sandwich. I left the war room with my head down. The dislike Mark and I had at each other at that moment was thick and real. I drove home in silence. I felt like I had failed.

I crashed for 4 hours and was snapped awake by the rumbling of my phone. My sleep was deep enough that I woke up forgetting the script debacle that was the night before. My memory soon came back. I shuffled to my car and drove in the cold rain to the first shoot. I was a broken man. We were shooting at two locations – a bar in Northside and a warehouse in Covington. The bar was first. It was a dive off the main drag in Northside that I would have never gone to if I lived in Cincinnati for 100 years. The place was called C&D, a window-less drinkery for Northside locals. The inside was rustic and it felt like the kind of bar we were thinking of when we wrote the script. The crew was busy running in cable and lights and microphones. The talent looked over the script. I could not bring myself to look at it and busied myself by jamming doughnuts into my mouth.

The crew was good. The sound and light guys knew what they were doing. Their professionalism rejuvenated me. I snapped into action and started working with the actors on their lines. The female actress we had recruited had bailed on us so we were waiting for her replacement – the 19-year old niece of the director. We started filming the scenes with the guys. Suddenly the script did not seem so bad. I had a small role as the bartender and was busy keeping everyone’s drinks filled. We claimed this was for accuracy. 7am beers on no sleep go straight to the brain stem. We were high school kids drinking in our dad’s basement. The laughs rolled in.

Our female lead showed up. She looked like Jessica Simpson. Her eyes were huge. We all immediately fell in love with her. I imagined her version of the set – 10 strung out, unshaven men surrounded by cables and extension cords in a seedy Northside bar at 9am on a Saturday - and all of them staring at her like they had been in prison for 5 years. She was with her mother who served as her agent/chaperone. It was good that she was there.

It was noon and we were still filming when the bar regulars showed up for their Saturday medicine. They circled the door like vultures as we raced to finish. They were not pleased. We had interrupted their Saturday routine. We moved the filming to the pool room and escaped further wrath.

The filming moved on to the warehouse. It was an old icehouse, now just another abandoned building in Covington. It was perfect. The directors put together some great shots while I clowned around with random junk that was left around the building. I was given dirty looks. We finished up at 9pm – a solid 15 hours of movie making. The vans packed and the doors locked, the crew shared handshakes and smiles. We felt like something had been accomplished.

You don’t eat well on a movie set. My intake for the day was as follows: 2 doughnuts, 25 secondhand cigarettes in close quarters, 5 beers, 1 first-hand cigarette, 7 pieces of pizza (one cold) and 2.5 red bulls. People that eat like that die before they are 40.

The movie was edited the next day. I stopped by the editing room around 4pm and watched the final cut. It looked great. It sounded great. Only problem was the story was weak. And that’s a big problem.

I am not sure how it happened, but somewhere along the line we took a wrong turn in creating a clever story and came up with an unoriginal, B-level, science fiction/slasher film. With a few nude scenes, this could have aired at 3am on Cinemax. I am sure that red head would be game, though we’ll have to wait two years until she turns 18 before we can film the sequel.

If anyone would like to watch ‘The Scavenger’, you can watch it here on YouTube. The 7-minute short is what I like to call ‘cinema’.

Done with Dunn

2006-05-28T12:10:00.000-04:00

During the 8th inning of last Tuesday's baseball match between Cincinnati and Milwaukee, with the game well in hand at 7-3 (since Todd Coffey was on the hill), Brandon Phillips came up to bat. This is the point in the game where you want your team to ring up 3 quick outs so you can get to the 9 th and end it. I turned to my buddy and said 'if I was him, I would just try to crank a home run as far as possible'. Which Phillips did try - he took a few big swings from his heels and popped out.

And then I realized; this is how Adam Dunn approaches EVERY SINGLE at bat. All he wants is swat home runs. That is it. Obviously, this is not groundbreaking news but up until recently, I did not perceive Dunn as a selfish player that puts his own stats before his team's success.

Dunn's statistics are fascinating, puzzling and misleading. Dunn is on pace for his 3 rd 40-HR season in a row with 100 RBI. He will walk another 100 times and score 100 runs. Those are excellent numbers in important categories. He also holds the Major League strike out record with 195 and is on pace to equal that this year. His career average is .247 which he is well below this year. And for a guy who averaged 43 home runs in 2004/2005, his average of 101.5 RBI in those two seasons was absurdly low.

Despite his power numbers, Dunn is the one of the worst situational hitters I have ever seen. As a power/fly ball hitter, he has only hit 11 sacrifice flies in his 6-year career. That is outlandish and a testament to how poor he is at getting in runners from 3rd base with less than two outs. He cannot drive in runs when the Reds need it, evidenced by his disgusting .174 average with runners in scoring position (RISP).

Dunn's weak RISP average has been well documented. What I would like to see are his numbers in 'critical' situations. I would consider 'critical' any time a player comes to the plate representing the tying run (or better) or if their team is leading by less than 2 runs. I would imagine the numbers are staggering.

Average pitchers can get Dunn out in any critical situation. If they NEED to get him out, they will pitch accordingly. When a team is trailing by 7 runs, the pitchers start grooving fast balls just to get the game over with. That's when Dunn makes his money. When the game is on the line, he is as close to an automatic out as an American League pitcher batting in the World Series.

The point is this: Dunn builds his numbers in meaningless situations. If the Reds are trailing 6-0, Dunn will launch a solo homer. If the Reds are up 6-0, he will hit a moon shot into the right field stands. Just this past Monday night, Dunn crushed a 3-run homer with the Reds leading 8-1. His contribution turned a rout into a comical rout. Thanks, Adam.

Dunn swings one way. And that swing is long. Too long. And it does not change regardless of how many people are on base or what the count is. He will only swing at pitches that he can knock out of the park and guesses what pitch he will receive before each delivery. If he does not get that exact pitch he will not swing – which is why he takes so many good strikes, right down the pipe. Most at bats invariably end with Dunn swinging at a low-and-away curve ball. And missing.

You probably missed it, but some statistical forecasting model projected what the top-10 all-time HR list would look like in 2020 (it was in Sports Illustrated a couple weeks ago). It took in account such things as current HR pace, position played, league, body type, home stadium, etc. It projected Dunn as the being 6th on the all-time list in 2020.

I guarantee Dunn saw that and his eyes got big. And that may or may not have been the decision point, but he has dedicated his career to the long ball.

And really, I can't blame him. If you hit home runs, you are going to make big money and you are going to be a celebrity. Hell, it almost makes him MORE of a celebrity that he is a tragedy in the field, does not run the bases well and bats .225. He's a one-act cartoon character.

Dunn is a Texas boy - he doesn't care if Cincinnati EVER wins another World Series. Why should he? He just wants to get his. And he is in the right ball park to do it.

And that is fine. I can't blame him for his decision. He's a young man who wants to make as much money as he can and maybe a little history with his specialized skill. Good for him. Just let him chase Palmerio and Sosa for his place on the top-10 list in another city. I would like to win some ball games.

Adam Dunn is dead to me

2006-05-18T13:57:00.000-04:00

Reds down 6-3. Bases loaded. One out. Adam Dunn at the plate.

first pitch - takes for strike one

second pitch - grounds into inning-ending double play 3-6-1

I cannot watch Adam Dunn at the plate anymore. He takes too many good pitches right down the middle. Then he will swing at a low-and-away breaking ball that he could not hit with a canoe oar. His play in the outfield and at first base is tragic. He is a lumbering oaf. His swing is too long. He has 99 HRs since the beginning of the 2004 season with only 229 RBI. That is absurd. He is batting .179 with runners in scoring position. He is a terrible clutch hitter.

He walks a lot. So what? He is a power hitter and his job is to drive in runs. He is the king of hitting meaningless, solo home runs. Good pitchers can get him out every time. He has hit a total of 4 sacrifice flies since 2004 which is unfathomable. He cannot get in a man from third with less than 2 outs when the Reds really need it. He is a big, fat strike out in the middle of the lineup and I cannot take it anymore.

Best Secret in Town

2006-05-12T15:03:00.000-04:00

Shhhhhhhhhhh….

With my finger to my lips, I make this noise in my car every time I hear a sports radio caller reprimand the people of Cincinnati for not supporting their first-place Cincinnati Reds.

Quiet you fool! Don’t spoil the best deal in town!

Unfortunately, my car stereo is a one-way transmission, so my feeble pleas bounce harmlessly off the dashboard. So now I will have to take my campaign to the streets.

One fifth of the baseball season is in the books and the Reds find themselves on top of the National League Central with a 23-12 record, 2nd best in all of baseball. The Reds are an exciting club, scoring the most runs and swatting the most long balls (by a margin of 13) in the National League. The Reds are fast this year, with Felipe Lopez leading the league in stolen bases (16) and two players in the top 5. The starting pitching is delivering quality and two relievers (Todd Coffey and David Weathers) have emerged as bona fide stoppers. The Reds even play defense. Just not well.

There are a lot of statistical categories in which the Reds look mighty fine. Except one. Attendance. The Reds are 24th in the league in attendance with an average 21,806 per game. Four of the teams below them in attendance are in last place in their respective divisions. A mere 15,771 were in Great American Ballpark Thursday to welcome Ken Griffey Jr. back from the disabled less. And far fewer actually stuck around to see the Reds unfathomable 11th inning 5-4 comeback victory that included a 3-run walk off bomb launched by Griffey himself.

But I am not complaining. Far from it. This is not a rally cry to get fans to come down to the Ohio River. In fact, I hope everything remains status quo. I am enjoying championship-level baseball at a bargain price in an extreme comfort. Never mess with a good thing.

Right now, I have the ability to watch a first place team, in person, for $7. SEVEN FREAKING DOLLARS. I park for $2 (in a lovely little garage that I would rather not divulge – let’s just say it is north of 5th) and buy the $5 outer view level seats. 700 cents buys be 3 hours of beautiful baseball. And I can pick my seat.

With only 20,000 people attending the games, fans are free to roam around the stadium and pick their own seats. It’s fantastic. Besides the Diamond (the 10-15 rows right behind home plate) and Club Seats, no chair is off limits. That is, if you can duck the occasional battle axe usher. I have sat in the Moon Deck, the bleachers, Terrace infield box, Mezzanine – everywhere. And I have NEVER spent more than $5 for a ticket. In fact, I like the upper level seats better. More perspective.

The games are comfortable. When I take in a game with a group of friends, we never have to cram in next to each other – elbow to elbow. Every one of us can sprawl out and lounge like we were in our living rooms. Not once have I had to wait in line in the bathroom and the beer vendors fight for my business. I walk freely through the concourse like it is 3AM at the airport. It still takes too long to buy concessions but that is a food service discussion for another time. I can’t imagine how those lines would be if the stadium was filled with 40,000 strong.

And there is a strange, cool camaraderie that has fostered between my fellow Reds rooters that have braved the wild streets of Southeastern Ohio to make it down to GABP. We know what is going on and we revel in the scrappy home town team that seems to be playing just for us.

Now I know, in the long run, if this team is going to consistently contend with the likes of St. Louis, Chicago and Houston that the attendance numbers must increase in order to justify an increase in payroll. I know that. But at this moment, I am blissfully happy and could care less.

So stay home Reds fans. Do whatever it is you do when you are not going to games. And those of you that have been down on the river to watch the boys under the lights or Ohio blue skies - enjoy it. There are rare moments when a group of fans can watch their team play at the highest level (in any sport) for next to nothing. This is a gift.

And don’t tell anybody. Shhhhhhhhhhhh….

The night before the draft 2006

2006-04-28T15:15:00.000-04:00

The NFL draft has been jammed down my throat so much that I have not even wanted to talk about it. But it is tomorrow, so we should probably give it a look.

I think the Bengals are finally in the position where they do not have any gaping holes in their roster, so they can focus on picking the best player available. But they still have needs...

Positions where a player could start immediately/by midseason

Cornerback - One spot is taken by pro bowler Deltha Oneal (though I think he is vastly overrated). The other is taken by aging Tory James (who the Bengals' coaches claim had a fine season last year... he is slow and soft on the run). Then you have Kiewan Ratlif, who will be never be anything more than a backup/nickel DB. I don't think a shutdown corner will be there by #24. Some people think the Bengals could sign Donte Whitner, who is more of a safety than a corner. He would be great on passing downs but would not be an every down corner. If the Bengals pick Ashton Yobouty, I will puke.

Tight End - Everyone wants to have the big, fast tight end that catches 50 balls a season. But with the Bengals offense, I am not sure there are enough balls to go around to keep a pass catching TE happy. And Cincinnati loves their 3-wideout set and throwing to Chris Perry out of the backfield. The Bengals still have Tony Stewart and Reggie Kelly, who the coaches love because he can block. Schobel is gone. Apparently the TE field is deep this year so the Begals will probably go defense with their first pick then go TE with their 2nd/3rd.

Defensive End - Justin Smith is the right end that the coaches say 'works hard' and 'has a great motor' and is 'durable'. That's like when someone asks you if the girl you fixed him up with is attractive and you say 'she's got a great personality'. Geathers is the left end. I seriously do not remember hearing his name called in any game last year. Not once. Some guy named 'Kiwanuka' from BC or Tamba Hali from PSU could be picked.

Positions where a player could be second string

Offensive Line - The Bengals have a bunch of offensive linemen - probably their deepest position. They have guys that everyone forgot about because they were hurt last year. Adam Kieft is a monster (6-7 330) LT who blew out his ACL. Ben Wilkerson is a center out of LSU who dropped out of the '04 draft because HIS knee was blown out. And the Bengals have Larry Moore who blew out his knee in the Houston game. With Kieft and Stacy Andrews (6-7 350) waiting in the wings at tackle, this is probably BIG Willie's last year. So it looks like a log jam at O Line. Still, the rationale is that you can NEVER have enough offensive linemen. If center Nick Mangold drops, the Gals could snatch him.

Linebacker - the Bengals have 3 solid starters (Simmons, Thurman, Pollack) but if they draft someone good enough, they could bring some 3-4 looks to mix it up.

Safety - The Bengals have the starters in Dexter Jackson and Madieu Williams, but they still need secondary help.

Quarterback - It sounds crazy, since the Bengals have 4 QBs on the roster, but I don't think Cincinnati has a 2nd string QB that they trust. Anthony Wright is just a spot sign to start the first 4-6 games. He will not be on the roster next year. After that you have Doug Johnson, who sucks, and Craig Krenzel who is just there in case a terrorist sets off a chemical weapon in Paul Brown Stadium and we need a bio-chemist to save the city.

Positions that the Bengals will not draft... well, I take that back. These would be picks for the future. And in Marvin we Trust.

Running Back - The Bengals have Rudi Johnson signed through '09. Fullback Jeremi Johnson through '11. Chris Perry is a great backup and maybe the best 3rd down back in the league. Kenny Watson, a solid pro, is back after injury. I just don't see a sign here.

Wide Receiver - I swear, if the Bengals sign another receiver, I am going to go to the grocery store and throw an orange at the nearest customer in my line of sight. Just because.

Another Cincinnati Red analogy

2006-04-28T15:12:00.000-04:00

The Carl Linder/Bob Castellini (ex and current owners of the Cincinnati Reds) thing is like this:

You start dating this woman who looks great on paper. She is attractive, she is smart, she looks good on your arm when you walk into a bar, she has a good job and it seems right. It should be a good relationship. She even cooks you dinner in her underpants at the beginning and bought you tickets to a Bengals game. She's says all the right things. She seems excited to be with you. But it quickly fades. She becomes disinterested. She's a cold fish in bed. Your friends hate her. She's high maintenance and she complains that you don't make enough money. If only you would give HER more, she would give so much back. And she's always on the look out for someone better. Not better, but someone in a stronger financial/social situation. She's gotten everything out of you that she can get and now she wants out. She moves on.

And now you are with someone new. She is adorable. She drinks beer with you and your buddies. She doesn't care if you come home late and drunk. She does your laundry sometimes and she reminds you about your mother's birthday. She likes you. She comes to watch your softball games. She has fun in bed. She plays games to keep things interesting. She always tries to look sexy and she only has eyes for you. It's early in the relationship but you already think that she may be the One. Not only that, but she is SO much better than your previous girlfriend that you start giving her credit for everything that goes well in your life. Furthermore, you still run in the same social circles as your ex-girlfriend so you overtly gush over your new woman in public just to make sure the ex knows how happy you are and how much she sucked.

Anthony Wright and BIG girls

2006-04-21T13:45:00.000-04:00

Some Bengals fans (namely me) were perplexed by the curious signing of ex-Raven QB Anthony Wright. The QB officially became a Bengal on 4-20, which we all hope is not an ominous sign.

With the potential of Carson Palmer missing a significant chunk of the season, why did the Bengals not sign Joey Harrington? Wouldn't the talented yet maligned quarterback thrive in the Bengals offensive system? Does the choice of Wright over Harrington mean the Cincinnati brass has confidence in Palmer's recovery or are simply too cheap to sign a quality backup?

The answer lies below in a communicae sent by the 'Oregon Correspondant'. His composition is printed below, verbatim. His true identity cannot be revealed for legal reasons.

they didnt want to pay a couple million for a scrub that would play six games max. i dont blame them. harrington is a turd. as for wright, i dont really understand the signing. is he any better than johnson or krenzie? i dont think so. nobody else would come here because of the situation they were stepping into: they knew the gals didnt want to spend anymore money on this position and that the moment palmer was healthy their career in cincy was officially over. with contracts not being guaranteed in the NFL, if palmer makes a speedy recovery and makes it back for the first game then theyre cut before the season ever starts, they get no money other than the small signing bonus the bengals offered, and theyve missed the free agent window. the bengals contacted several guys to come in all of whom did not want in any way shape or form to be palmers backup. in the end, when they realized that they couldnt get a guy that could make a difference (like brian greise, who the bengals courted but he declined because he didnt want to be a career backup) they wanted to go budget. harrington is no better than wright and wright costs way less.

basically i dont think it was a cheap move. i think it was a calculated move. mark, its kind of like this:
ok, my scorching hot wife is out of town for the next year. i need to find an lady to watch the kids and keep me happy. i've contacted all the single girls who i thought were attractive, but they all rejected me because they knew i was in love with my wife and when she returned they would be gone in a heartbeat. at that point all i had to choose from was the fatties. do i choose the fattie that was pretty cute 75 lbs ago but likes to go to jeff rubys for dinner and who will cause problems when the wife returns, or do i choose the fattie whos always been the fattie who likes to go to BW3, is just happy to be in a relationship even if it is only for a short time, who respects the hotness of my wife, plus she gives great... massages?* its a no brainer.

*apologies to the my Pacific Northwest associate - this is a family blog

Reds Notes 4.21.06

2006-04-21T10:28:00.000-04:00

First and foremost: absolutely no lead is safe with this team. The Reds led 12-6 in the 6th inning and I felt marginally comfortable.

- Dunn is a strikeout machine. He chases that tailing fastball/curveball from left handers EVERY TIME. The pitches are so outside that no legal bat could hit them. He swings right through them. It's comical. Going into Thursday's game, his last 6 hits were HRs. He singled last night.
- Out of nowhere, Brandon Phillips is playing like the 2nd basemen of the present/future. He has some legitimate pop in his bat. His HRs Thursday night were gone in any park.
- Dave Williams. The Dead Fish. 3 innings. 8 hits. 6 earned runs. 4 walks. That's a nice effort there, Williams. His ERA is 10.50. He's one bad start from being in Louisville. Or maybe getting one of those phantom 30 day-DL assignments for 'shoulder problems'. The pitch he threw to Bill Hall that he crushed for a HR was batting practice. Tommy Lasorda's heater has more action on it.
- The bullpen was solid last night. When your starter only completes 3 innings, and it only takes 3 relievers to complete the game, that is good stuff (and Shackelford only faced 1 guy, so he doesn't really count). Belisle's effort was fantastic. The Reds desperately need another long reliever. He did not allow a run for 4 innings. His arm went dead in the 8th.
- Hot Coffey. He was a little shaky but went 1.2 and got out of the bases loaded, 1-out jam in the 8th. His ERA is 0.96
- EE-6 (Edwin Encarnacion) had another miserable throw from his knees. Hatteberg MUST have seen it coming because that throw was WAY off line and he was able to corral it. Instead of setting up for the 1st basemen stretch, he was like a punt returner waiting to receive a boot in swirling winds. But hey, that HR was sweet.

- The Reds average 8 runs/per game in their 10 wins. 4.5 runs/per game in their 6 losses.
- The Reds are 5-3 and average 6.9 runs/per game since Griffey went out 4/13

ADAM DUNN HATE CAMPAIGN '06:

Dunn is batting .143 with runners in scoring position. He left 4 men on base last night. I am trying to find his total LOB for the season but cannot find it.

Reds Notes 4.19.2006

2006-04-19T17:07:00.000-04:00

Reds win 9-8 on a Edwin Encarnacion double in the 9th inning. The Reds had trailed 5-0 and 8-4. I was busy thinking about what a despicable loss this was going to be and then the Reds up and stole the game. A few thoughts:

- Dontrelle Willis is a cool cat. He's animated and excited about baseball. I hope we get him. He also is a good fielder - he made two great plays. One of which was a line drive that almost hit him in the face.
- thank god the Marlins pulled Willis after 6 innings. He absolutely cruised through the 5th and 6th
- when LaRue K'd with the bases loaded and one out in the 2nd, I thought the game was over
- LaRue is the slowest man I have EVER seen run the base paths. And the worst. He scored on a pass ball in the 4th and he should have walked in - it ended up being a close play. Then he was thrown out at the plate in the 8th when Freel hit a slow ground ball to deep SS. He was clueless on that play and got caught in a rundown.
- LaRue dropped another ball on a pay-at-the-plate. He does this all the time. Freel threw a perfect dart, on the fly, and LaRue dropped it. And then he bitched. LaRue needs to go. And he needs a nickname that represents his terribleness.
- Freel has a good arm. Seriously. So does Dunn.
- The Reds brought up a pitcher from Louisville to replace Mr. Burns. Michael Gosling. He pitched a 1-2-3 5th but two of the outs where sharp drives hit right at a Reds outfielder. In the 6th, some guy named Abercrombie and Fitch absolutely DESTROYED a pitch into the left field bleachers. Dunn did not even move. It was the guys first career HR. The ball traveled 493 feet - the 3rd farthest HR in GABP history. It was a bomb.
- Dunn actually hit a grounder to the right side of the infield to score a run. Problem was, the Reds were trailing 8-4 at the time. I guarantee, if the score was 2-1, that would not have happened
- Phillips is playing well. 2 for 5. 3 RBI. His two hits were weak flares but at least he is getting the bat on the ball. He had the clutch RBI when the Reds were trailing 8-7 in the 8th. Womack is more than expendable.
- Encarnacion reminds me of Aaron Boone. He can pull the ball (both of his doubles were sharp grounders down the line) but he sometimes appears overmatched. And curve balls befuddle him. Pitchers are going to figure him out - just like Boone. He can field well, though
- Harang sucked today. It took him 90 pitches to get through 4 innings.
- Weathers got through 2 innings without giving up a run but it was dicey. He got out of a bases-loaded, one out jam in the 8th. And Florida hit him hard in the 7th.
- Coffey was lights out in the 9th
- Florida banged out 15 hits. 15 F**ING hits. And I can only name one of their starters: Cabrera. And I just went to the game. Hell, I went to all three games. Wait, I can name Abercrombie and Fitch too.

- The Reds scored 9 runs today without the aide of a Home Run. Now THAT is a statistic for this club.
- I love having Aurilia on this team. He plays every infield position well (possibly better than all the regulars, except Lopez) and he makes the pitcher work on all of his ABs. Good stuff.
- Today was the first day I actually missed Sean Casey. Remember when the Reds would win in their final at bat and they would mob the runner and engage in the "bounce" for about 30 seconds? That was all Casey. He made that happen. Our post game celebration was so good that I would laugh at other team's poor renditions when they would win in their last at bat. Well, now the Reds are like all those other teams. Dunn scored the winning run and Cincinnati weakly corralled him (maybe half of the team) before dissipating. It was sad.

9-6. Not exactly the pitching duel that was expected. But the Reds won a game they needed - no team that is serious about playoff baseball can drop a series at home to the Marlins. Now let's go beat some Milwaukee ass.

Family Guy concerns

2006-04-17T15:35:00.000-04:00

I am concerned about “Family Guy”. It is my favorite show on television. And I do not watch much. I don’t watch 24 and I don’t get HBO. The Sunday cartoon block (sandwiched around the despicable “The War at Home”) of Simpsons and “Family Guy” is all I have. So I am very invested in this program. And I am scared.

“Family Guy” needs to evolve. All the great shows do. The “Simpsons” was the first prime time cartoon to ever entrench itself as a weekly sitcom. It was so new and different, that the content of the writing was inconsequential. The show was irreverent and crass and that was all that mattered. Bart dropped a couple ‘aye carumbas’ and ‘don’t have a cow, mans’, Homer made a bumbling mistake and shouted at everyone in the room and you had yourself a show. Take a look at the early shows. Season 1 is nearly unwatchable.

“Simpsons” figured out that if they were going to stay on the air, they had to move forward. They hired fantastic writers and shifted the focus away from Bart towards Homer. They incorporated supporting characters and created a living community. They started delivering satire more poignant and biting than any show in the history of television. That is a reinvention.

Not every show can recruit and retain the caliber of writers the “Simpsons” can. So if you cannot match that level of talent, you have to carve a niche. Enter “South Park”. When that show came on, it was so crude and offensive that it took immediate notice. The shock value carried it for the first few seasons. But fart jokes and low blows at celebrities only go so far.

“South Park” evolved. They mastered the ability to digitally design and produce a 22-minute animated episode in less than a week (a “Simpsons” episode takes 9 months to complete). Now, writers Matt Stone and Trey Parker can respond to happenings in the world instantaneously. No other sitcom has the ability to be this topical.

“Family Guy” corralled a cult following by taking often piercing shots at everyone and everything. Nothing was spared. This was combined with a sadistic genius infant with sexual identity issues and a hard drinking talking dog. The show distinguished itself by leaning on random flashbacks plugged in throughout the story. The absurdity of the flashbacks and complete departure from the running plot made the show deliciously weird and nonlinear. It was refreshing to watch a show that did not play by the rules.

But now you know about the baby and the dog. You expect snide remarks towards Hollywood, religious groups and George Bush. And the flashbacks are starting to look more like filler. In fact, if you take away the flashbacks, you are left with a 10-minute cartoon about a wise-cracking family. Last week, the show flashed to one of Peter’s old ‘part-time’ jobs. They ran a clip of Peter working behind the counter at Burger King, singing about menu items over a Christmas jingle. This was a parody of a cartoon that made the rounds on the internet. Spoofing an internet clip? That’s weak.

Record a “Family Guy” show. Edit out the flashbacks. There’s not much left.

But this reads like any other critique piece - picking out the nitty gritty and complaining about a show that has done nothing but bring me laughs for free. I hope I watched an off show and I am being ridiculous. I need this show.

Weight Class

2006-04-14T09:58:00.000-04:00

Best fight of '06 - Liakhovich v. Brewster (April 1)

Boxing does not have much of a following these days but the potential for greatness is always there. I firmly believe that a great boxing match is the most exciting spectacle to watch in all of sport. The problem is that the 'great boxing match' is an extreme rarity. Most bouts are duds. And the heavyweight ranks, the glamour division, are miserable. Body builders with little boxing skill who tire early and hang on each other like drunken fraternity brothers.

There are 17 boxing divisions. I had no idea there were so many. It seems strange to me that they have so many low-weight divisions, separated by only 3-5 lbs. 10 divisions exist for men that weigh under 140 lbs. Seriously, do you even know a grown man that weighs less than a buck-40?

On the other hand, the heavyweight division includes any fighter that weighs in over 201 lbs. This is a gigantic weight range. A 205 lb man has no business fighting a 275 lb man. And as time goes on, men are only getting bigger. Muhammad Ali weighed in at 210 lbs in his prime. Lennox Lewis weighed 247 lbs. That is a serious mismatch.

This is how they break down by weight. Included are the best/most recognizable fighters in each division:

Heavyweights – 201 and up (Chris Byrd, Hasim Rahman, Wladimir Klitschko)

Cruiserweights – up to 200 lbs (O’Neil Bell)

Light Heavyweights – 175 lbs (Antonio Tarver, Glen Johnson, Roy Jones Jr. (washed up))

Super Middleweights – 168 lbs (Joe Calzaghe, Mikkel Kessler)

Middleweights – 160 lbs (Jermain Taylor, Winky Wright, Bernard Hopkins)

Junior Middleweights – 154 lbs (Roman Karmazin, Shayne Mosley, Ricardo Mayorga, Oscar De La Hoya)

Welterweights – 147 lbs (Carlos Baldomir, Floyd Mayweather Jr., Arturo Gatti)

Junior Welterweights – 140 lbs (Ricky Hatton – ESPN.com 2005 fighter of the year)

Lightweights – 135 lbs (Jose Luis Castilo, Diego ‘Chico’ Castillo)

Junior Lightweights – 130 lbs (Manny Pacquiao)

Featherweights – 126 lbs (Chris John)

Junior Featherweights – 122 lbs (Israel Vazquez)

Bantamweights – 118 lbs (Rafael Marquez)

Junior Bantamweights – 115 lbs (Martin Castillo)

Flyweights – 112 lbs (Pongsaklek Wonjongkam (60-2))

Junior Flyweights/Strawweights – 108 and 105 lbs (Ivan "Iron Boy" Calderon)

Green Jacket XXL

2006-04-10T15:11:00.000-04:00

Phil Mickelson. I can't decide if I like him or hate him. On one hand, I am a little offended that this fat slob lopes around a golf course and makes more money in a weekend then I will ever make in my life. If you were Mickelson, and you had all the money in the world and time on your hands, wouldn't you hire a personal trainer and a chef so you didn't look like a pig on national television?

On the other hand, I like Mickelson because he's a fat slob. He basically is saying, "look, I am a millionaire and I have a hot-ass wife. My extra pounds don't affect my golf game. I can buy anything I want. I am above the law. So why would I bust my ass to look like a 'Men's Health' cover model? The only reasons guys (like that broke-ass Mark Bower) do that anyway is because they think it helps them get chicks and it strokes their little ego. Well I got the chicks and all the ego I will ever need. So screw it. Pass the bacon.'

I love the NIT

2006-03-22T14:00:00.000-05:00

I have been watching the ‘other’ NCAA tournament. And it pains me to say that the Cincinnati Bearcats would have been bounced early. I saw Bradley dominate Pitt the other day. Pitt absolutely blasted UC and they did it with ease. Bradley would KILL UC. Wichita St. would beat UC. Every Sweet 16 team beats UC on a neutral court. Every one. Handily.

UC has a 7-man rotation. Barely. Their 7th man is a football player. In NCAA tournament play, the referees call the games tighter. Watch any game – at least 3 guys are in foul trouble by half time. The Bearcats cannot afford to have one guy in foul trouble.

Tournament teams have size. Poor Eric Hicks would have to contest every shot and track down every rebound while banging against large trees and fighting off double teams. Big teams would swallow the Cats.

Long story short, the Bearcats were going down. Deep, battle-tested teams (see Michigan State, North Carolina, Kansas) were plucked from the playoffs. The last strange days of Andy Kennedy would have ended when the bars were still serving green beer on St. Patrick’s Day. But now, thanks to the wonders of the NIT, they live on.

The Bearcats are still playing. They have gotten three more home games out of this deal. The fans get to see the four seniors, and maybe Devan Downey, in person for the last time. It is cold right now in Cincinnati and baseball is two weeks away – basketball is center stage. There is nothing else. Give me bonus basketball.

And the field is good. At least, the names look good. Michigan, Maryland, Louisville. If you did not know what year this is, you could mistake it for the real thing.

And yes, I am reaching. No one cares about the NIT. ESPN.com only gives it one page of coverage that lists the scores and is probably updated by an intern who got a poor review. But I got to go see the Cats last night and despite a crowd of less than 6,000 fueled only by soda pop, the place was loud and alive. The Bearcats are in postseason play and 100 other teams are watching at home. There are basketball games to be played and they are keeping score. That’s better than nothing. That’s probably even better than being dumped in the first round by Northwestern St. (right, Iowa?)

Arroyo for Pena

2006-03-20T14:54:00.000-05:00

FORT MYERS, Fla. (AP) - The Boston Red Sox traded pitcher Bronson Arroyo to the Cincinnati Reds for outfielder Wily Mo Pena on Monday.

For the Reds, this is a good move. The last thing Cincinnati needs is another outfielder with ‘5-tool’ potential who in reality plays lousy defense and strikes out too much. The Reds certainly improved their pitching. And any time they can do that and only lose one suspect player, the deal should be made.

Every time I see Pena’s age (24) listed, I giggle a little.

Here is the Reds current starting outfield:

Freel – played 103 games in 2005. Injury prone and has a penchant for driving while intoxicated.
Kearns – played 112 games in 2005. He averaged 86 games from 2003-05. He MUST produce this year. He has been given every opportunity and made every excuse. I am tired of hearing how ‘fundamentally sound’ he is. If he does not play 130 games and bat AT LEAST .285 with 25 HRs and 90 RBI, he is dead to me.
Griffey – played 128 games (his most since 2000) and put up great numbers. He has averaged 83.5 games from 2002-05. I will die a little every time he chases a ball into the alleys.

I think Cincy is short an outfielder. Calling Freel an every day player is a stretch. One of these guys will be out for a considerable stretch of games and maybe all three.

Despite all that mumbo jumbo, it was a good deal. Wily is twenty-something-towards-thirty years old, so he should be peaking NOW. So, in essence, we have seen him at the top of his game. And his ceiling is this: a physical specimen who can hit a fastball 1000 feet yet is clueless in the outfield and cannot hit a curveball if he knew it was coming. He’s Cerrano. Furthermore, I am 98% sure that the guy has been on the juice. And with MLB cracking down, he is either going to get caught or will have to stop using the stuff. Either way, his numbers suffer.

I just hope to God Arroyo has gotten rid of his awful corn rows.

UNFATHOMABLE

2006-03-12T20:39:00.000-05:00

I was going to rant about Cincinnati not making it but I no longer have the strength. It's over. I have gone through the 5 levels of loss - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance (the only reason I remember each stage is because they were referenced in a Simpsons' episode. That is either really interesting or really sad). I just was not prepared for this. I was not ready.

Cincy had their chances. They should have beat Xavier. They were up 7 on a Seton Hall team that was ready to roll over. They led Villanova by a basket with less than a minute to play. They could not cover Gerry McNamara for 6 seconds. So there.

Life lessons. You never want to put yourself in a situation in which an unchallengeable 3rd party decides your fate. You never want to be standing in front of the judge. You never want to depend on a lottery. And you never want to be in the hands of a selection committee.

Now I find myself printing out NIT brackets and wondering how the Bearcats are going to compete next year with 4 scholarship players and a new coach (Kennedy is gone). I think I may have just slid back to stage 4.

I just wish the Bearcats had known that the Syracuse game was a play-in game. I bet that would have been worth a couple points.

Friday Night at the Fights

2006-03-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

Cincinnati has a rich boxing tradition, spanning decades and weight classes. Former world champions Ezzard Charles, Aaron Pryor and Tony ‘TNT’ Tubbs all hail from the Queen City. Cincinnati has also been a major player in the amateur ranks – this is the only city to produce two boxers for Team USA in three different Olympic Games (1992, 2000, 2004). Despite this distinguished history of boxing greatness, few consider Cincinnati a boxing town - including people who live in Southeastern Ohio. Buddy LaRosa and the Cincinnati Athletic Club look to open a few eyes and promote boxing in the area with the first installment of ‘Friday Night at the Fights’, held this past Friday night in the downtown men’s fitness club.

I have never been to a live boxing match, though claim to be a fan, and so was compelled to witness this exhibition in person.

The Cincinnati Athletic Club is located in an alley behind the Shilito Apartment off of Race St. I have been in this alley before, and never knew the place existed. $25 got me valet parking and entry into the club. The place had the smell of popcorn and drafty hallways that made it feel like a YMCA. It felt like the type of place where you work out with medicine balls, cinder blocks and pulleys. There was a member’s lounge to the left of the front desk that looked exactly like every clubhouse on an average golf club. $2 got me a Miller High Life Lite and I toted it around the front room – a leather-sofa filled lounge lined with dusty trophies in glass cases.

The third floor was the site of the fights. A classic gymnasium with a suspended running track. The elevated ring stood imposing at center court. Rows of chairs rippled out from the ring. Free LaRosa’s pizza and beer tubs commanded the four corners. It was truly a venue from the past. The only thing missing was dimmer lights and a blanket of stale cigar smoke hovering over the tops of our heads.

The crowd was a collection of Cincinnati’s semi-connected. Lawyers and member’s of the athletic club mixed with boxing aficionados and family members of the young boxers. Buddy LaRosa was making the rounds with his south-Florida tan. What looked to be his brother sported a hip, old-man mullet and copper-colored leather pants. He was the prize. What looked to be one of the Ruby’s sat near this twosome with Donald Trump’s haircut that he bought off eBay. Heavy hitters all around.

The boxers fell in an age range from 10 – 16. The young men hailed from a variety of places including Price Hill, Millville, Dayton, Indiana and Kentucky. The Price Hill boxing club came in force with a contingent of trainers including a wiry old-timer who looked like he lived in a gym his whole life. I expected him to be carrying a spit bucket. I thought of Mickey from the Rocky movies.

After 3 slices of pizza, I settled in for some controlled violence. The first two fighters ran out to the ring amidst a surge of cheers. I marveled at the composure of these 10-year old boys, ready and willing to take punches to their faces on center stage. The kids were in tremendous shape and I could not help thinking about how bad they would have both kicked my 10-year old ass. The first fight was great – wild haymakers with serious intentions. This was not like the fights my friends and I had in childhood. These kids knew what they were doing.

As the age group and skill level increased, the fights grew more disciplined and technically sound. The kids wore headgear and large gloves to minimize sharp impact to the skull. There were no knockdowns. The refs kept the fighters on a short leash and would carry out mandatory eight counts if a boxer was staggered by a blow. The rounds got longer (the first fights were limited to 1 minute rounds, the latter were 2 minutes) with each level and each fight stopped after 3 rounds. Winners were declared (there were 3 judges, stationed around the ring) and each boy received a parting trophy and rousing applause from the crowd.

Despite the intense nature of the sport of boxing, the parents were surprisingly calm. I half expected an outraged parent to go bounding over the ropes to save their child from a beating. However, the parents and family members displayed perfect sportsmanship. I’ve seen spelling-bee parents much worse than this.

There were 8 fights, and as the night rolled into fight 6, I started to doubt the 10-16 year old age range printed on the fight program. A couple of the fighters were bald and at least 5 of the 16 fighters would not get carded for buying cigarettes. There were two white guys, both from Kentucky. This seemed to make perfect sense to me. The first one entered the ring in what looked like brown, leather bowling shoes. I could not take my eyes off his feet. His punches were slow and were thrown without purpose.

It was a good night. The organizers did a good job keeping the pace of the fights moving. There was little down time between rounds and fights. Constant action. Eight fights, 24 rounds – all in a tight 90 minutes. I left feeling like I had been a part of something.

Two women were sitting next to me. They saw me taking notes and asked me if I was a scout. I told them I was a journalist and the words felt like honey coming out of my mouth. They bought me a beer. This is happiness.

Ancient Greece in a train station

2006-02-20T16:23:00.000-05:00

The people that produce and create OMNIMAX movies need to simplify their formula. They have a 360 degree dome shaped screen that engulfs a human beings' complete vision range. Not even the far edges of a man's peripheral vision can escape the range of the screen. They also boast a state-of-the-art surround sound system. Those are the two attractions that bring people to these theatres: startling visual images and intense sounds. So why not play to your strengths?

I went to the OMNIMAX theatre this weekend to watch a film titled 'Ancient Greece'. The show went 45 minutes, and I was happy when it ended.

Don't mess around with these films. Hire helicopters and fancy cameras and film low-altitude, swooping shots of the landscape. Capture the vertical cliffs of the islands and the ocean waves crashing off of them. Fly over ancient ruins. Hover close to the limestone villages with pastel paint covering domed solariums and catch the locals waving while they look at the sunset on their patios. If you can find narrow canyons to navigate through, do that. Try to paint a picture of the majesty and sheer scope of a foreign country. And freak everyone out a couple times by almost slamming into the wall of a mountain. Easy stuff.

Top all of this off with some dramatic music filled with deep kettle drums and trumpets. And make sure the narrator (if you must have one - and I don't think they are necessary) has a deep, melodic voice. James Earl Jones is always good or the guy that does all the NFL Films features.

Instead, 'Ancient Greece' (like most OMNIMAX films), tries to incorporate a history lesson. This one touched on (and poorly) the mythical lost city of Atlantis and how the construction of the Parthenon bankrupted Athens. Too much of the film was spent in staged laboratories with researchers dusting off artifacts. What is worse is that they dumb down the content for the masses. The ‘History Channel’ for dummies.

For the narrators, they picked the actress from ‘My Big, Fat Greek Wedding’ and a Greek Scientist. Not exactly skilled orators. You can see the thought process: we can appeal to the generic movie-goer by using the only recognizable Greek actress on the planet and give the content some credibility by inserting a scientist. The actress inserted tired quips and the scientist laughed (forcibly) at his own jokes. Excruciating.

The Museum Center charges $4.50 for parking. I find that absurd (granted, you get $2.50 off one ticket to an OMNIMAX show with your parking receipt). I imagine the Cincinnati Arts are hurting for people traffic. There are just too many entertainment outlets. Still, many people braved the brutal 20 degree weather and traveled to Union Terminal just to be pimp-slapped with $4.50 parking. ‘Thank you for coming to the Museum Center and supporting the Arts of Cincinnati. We need your support. Oh, and f**k you.’

Why is it easier to complain than to praise?

The Ides of February

2006-02-15T09:58:00.000-05:00

Mid-February. Waiting for inspiration is a stupid thing to do. I have a beard that I don't like but when I shave it off all I want is a beard. Sometimes I think I spend most of my waking hours eating food, preparing food or thinking about eating or preparing food. Coffee never tastes as good as it smells. Cigarettes always look cool in the movies and they seem like a good idea after midnight. I can't dribble a basketball with my left hand anymore. I am not sure if I am antsy because I am not content or if I am antsy because I am too content. I check my email way too much.

I am in a perpetual paradox. I want to hit the road but when I am on the road I want to be home. I want chaos and stability at the same time. A frenetic pace surrounded by calmness. I have everything but I don't have anything. I hate this paragraph.

This is the part of winter where I give up. I have fought the good fight for months and continued to brave the elements. I go to shows. Play basketball. I throw on layers and stomp along sidewalks. I get out. But yesterday the wind hit me hard in the face and it broke my spirit. I am hiding inside until it gets warm. Talk to me television. Talk to me.

I just checked my email again.

I take back all the nasty things I said about Valentine's Day. It's a good day. Flowers smell good. I called my mother twice at work and since I was her son they assumed this was some sort of emergency. She got to the phone quite flummoxed and I made a lousy joke about needing instructions for cooking asparagus before wishing her a happy Valentine's Day. That was fun. I got an 'I love you' out of the whole deal. Those don't get old.

I had champagne with my lady. Gift exchange. Rose pedals. My room looks like cupid exploded. It was good. And good is good.

There is a lottery pool at work. I am in said pool. 15 colleagues of mine put in $2 a week and the organizer, or whatever, buys 30 tickets. If we win, we split it 15 ways. I participate for one reason: fear. I fear not putting my $2 in one week and enduring the maniacal breakdown I would suffer by watching my cubicle people frolic in their gambling splendor. Every week, I glare at the man who collects the $2. Every week, he says 'hey man, you don't HAVE to play.' He usually covers me from week to week and then I pay him in lump sums. The only thing consistent with this arrangement is my overall gruff behavior. I don't know why I do certain things.

Oh Henry!

2006-02-01T16:04:00.000-05:00

Cincinnati Bengals’ Wide Receiver Chris Henry is charged with three felony offenses, each of which contain the word 'firearm'. Not sweet. My favorite is 'improper exhibition of a firearm'. Awesome. I guess that means pointing a gun in a threatening manner towards a group of dudes on a street constitutes an 'improper exhibition'. This also implies that there is a 'proper' way to exhibit a firearm. Does this include firing a pistol into the air to ring in the New Year? Can I carry a gun around if it is in a holster? Can I point a gun at a friend if it is part of a hilarious prank? I am brimming with questions.

There are also a lot of questions surrounding Henry’s future status with the Bengals. I only have one: how is his knee? He was carried off the field in a first-round playoff game against Pittsburgh. How’s the rehab going? Will he be ready for training camp?

The guy is first-round talent with a middle-round contract. He’s fast. He has good hands. And he is the third receiver so he doesn’t have to think that much. He just has to run routes 20 times a game. Yes, he has a proclivity towards criminal behavior. Who cares? Nobody listens to the 3rd receiver. So what if he is not a ‘good’ person. I don’t care. I don’t care about any of our players, really. They are not my friends. I don’t have to hang out with them. I just want the orange and black to win on Sunday. And Chris Henry helps them do that. Hell, if we let him go, someone else is going to pick him up and if he finds success it will be a great feel-good story for a slow day on ESPN. If he messes up again, fine. Kick him off the team. No harm done. I think his contract will become void so it won’t affect the team’s salary cap.

The only thing I cannot forgive is the word that Henry was wearing his #15 Bengals jersey during his fateful night in Orange County. (not the ‘OC’, but the lamer Orange County of Florida) I just cannot believe that this is true. An athlete should only wear his own jersey, when not actually participating in a sanctioned professional contest, for three events:

1. Visiting Children’s Hospital
2. Filming commercial for local auto dealership
3. Media day before Super Bowl that athlete is playing in

Looks like a jersey to me...

There is no excuse to wear your own jersey out to a nightclub under any circumstances. None. If this turns out to be true, I order Marvin Lewis to kick him off the team immediately for an improper exhibition of your own jersey. I mean, come on. You have to set limits.

Kirkland’s Greatest Victory

2006-01-31T09:57:00.000-05:00

Senior Forward Armein Kirkland completed his forgettable career in grand fashion. In fact, I did not know that he had it in him. But he managed to destroy the Bearcats one last time and leave a lasting imprint on the 2005-06 Bearcat basketball season that will outlive his meager basketball accomplishments.

Kirkland’s tenure with the Bearcats has been a curious one stained with unfulfilled promise. A Texas product, Kirkland is a long 6’ 8” with large hands and larger strides. He gets up and down the court effortlessly and has great leaping ability. He has the quickness of a guard, with excellent lateral movement, and his ball handing is so adept that he has played point guard in prolonged stretches. He presents match up problems for every team for he is too swift for most forwards and too big for even taller guards. Kirkland’s court awareness is strengthened by his height advantage which allows him to see the court without distraction. His pinpoint passing skills are best displayed in traffic once he has penetrated the lane and elevated above his defender.

Kirkland looks like a young Scottie Pippen. He even wore Pippen’s #33. And considering his unique skills, there is no reason he should not be playing at that level on a consistent basis.

But Kirkland has not played like Pippen. In fact, the mere suggestion of that comparison is laughable. Kirkland was averaging a pedestrian 9.7 points and 3.4 rebounds before he ripped ligaments in his knee against Connecticut. Below average numbers for a Senior forward getting 28 minutes a contest. Putrid statistics when you factor in his NBA talent and physical advantage over all his opponents.

Kirkland faded in big games. Any time a good team put a solid, aggressive defender on him he would slink into the stands. Kirkland avoided contact like it was a dead animal in the road. Chest to chest defense ended his drives to the basket. He would settle on long range jump shots and essentially removed himself from the offense. Kirkland went 0 for 9 from the floor against Kentucky in last year’s 2nd round NCAA Tournament loss. All jump shots.

Kirkland’s psyche was fragile. You could see the wind suck out of his gut after missed jumpers. He let his scoring woes cripple the rest of his game. He refused to follow his shot or hustle for rebounds. He would pile up cheap reach-in fouls if he missed a foul shot. He would let smaller guards bully him to the basket. He would take stretches of the game off. Without instant success, in any given game, Kirkland would up and quit on his teammates.

Kirkland was either a coward or a complete fraud. And I don’t know which is worse.

Kirkland was headed for a disastrous season. He lost his starting job, and did not seem to care. He regained his spot for the DePaul game and responded with a 1 for 6 night totaling 2 points. 2 points from a Senior starting forward? Howls rained down from the rafters. Kirkland was ripped on Bearcat basketball websites while his brother defended him. Nothing could go right.

And then came Marquette. Kirkland rose from his own filth and delivered his best game of the season. In 37 minutes, he totaled 14 points on 5 of 9 shooting, snatched 5 rebounds and added 3 assists. More importantly, he contained Marquette forward Steve Novak who was coming off a 41-point explosion against UCONN. Novak ended with 17 points, but 9 of that came when the Bearcats switched to zone. It was an inspired effort.

And then came Connecticut. Armein found his range and injected three 3-pointers to keep the Bearcats in the game. He was already at 14 points in 12 minutes when he landed awkwardly in the lane on a fast break and concluded his days as a college basketball player. What appeared to be a routine ankle sprain soon began to take on the appearance of something serious. Bearcat coach Andy Kennedy, recipient of 4 knee surgeries himself, knew only too well after he heard the quick prognosis from the Connecticut trainers. Kirkland was done.

So here we are. 3 weeks removed from Kirkland’s final appearance in a Bearcat uniform. Gone but far from forgotten. Kirkland’s 49 minutes of brilliant basketball have turned him into a martyr. What he could have never accomplished on the hard wood, he has done sitting in the stands with crutches and a knee brace. He has become legend.

Kirkland’s injury has become the turning point of the season. Every announcer refers to it and the 10-game winning streak the Cats were riding prior to knee bending in the wrong direction. Without a hint of irony, generic announcers are indirectly accrediting Kirkland for Cincinnati’s 13-2 start to the season. His face fills the screen, now hobbled and in street clothes. He was the hero. The glue. The straw that stirred the drink. This prevailing theme has been hammered into our skulls so much this January that Bearcat fans are starting to believe it. All of Kirkland’s sins have been forgiven. We throw our hands up now in frustration and wonder ‘if we only had #33!”

Even Kennedy has referred to this period of the season as ‘After Armein’. He’s become a basketball deity. The bridge between mediocrity and Final Four dreams.

I ask you, for one moment, to remember. REMEMBER. Remember Kirkland’s sporadic defensive effort. Remember his low rebound numbers despite being one of the tallest men on the team. Remember him settling for 18-foot fade-away jumpers against 6’ 4” small forwards. Remember his eyes glazing over in spotlight games. Remember him disappearing against tough opponents.

The Bearcats might have beat Xavier with Armein Kirkland. They still get smashed by Syracuse, Louisville and Georgetown. He would not have made the difference. The Cats are 15-6 and still fighting for their tournament life.
However, I cannot prove that. And that is the beauty of Kirkland’s injury. My hat is off to him. He always found new and interesting ways to kill the Bearcats on the court, but this one tops them all. He managed to weaken an already thin team and become a saint in the process. Congratulations, Armein Kirkland. You win.

Andy Kennedy's New Order

2006-01-18T12:54:00.000-05:00

During the Bearcats 10-game winning streak, the Bob Huggins hangover finally started to shake off. At least, from the muddled heads of Bearcats nation who refused to accept the ugly end to Huggins’ career. Meanwhile, Andy Kennedy has been in firm command of the basketball program since the ‘interim’ crown was placed on his head. More rather, the position was thrown in a hump on the ground. But Kennedy picked it up, dusted it off and has led this team with pride and passion. He may have even coached himself right out of Clifton and into another program. This would be a travesty.

The Bearcats, under Huggins, were always prepared to play big time basketball. They were in shape and physically imposing. They were mentally tough and carried a swagger that won them a lot of games before the tip off. They worked hard and could impose their will on weaker teams. That was the mark of Huggins' teams and his legacy.

The Huggins’ Bearcats were a first-half team. They would routinely streak to big first-half leads before squandering them in the second half. After the break, I often referred to the period of time between the 16-minute and 4 minute mark as the Bearcat '2nd half malaise'. The team would become disinterested and kick the ball around. Wild three pointers would be launched and easy transition baskets allowed. 20-point leads shrunk to 6. You could set your watch to it.

Huggins was never a good in-game coach. The offense resembled an NBA set, with four guys standing around on the perimeter while one man posted in the lane. At the end of close games, when the contest became possession basketball, the Cats always seemed a little clueless. If the Cats had the final shot, Huggins would call for a clear out to isolate the point guard. Every time. I remember Kenny Satterfield's last season when he missed at least 6 shots at the end of regulation that would have won games. The same play was called every time.

Andy Kennedy's Bearcats are a second half team. They make adjustments during intermission. The Cats overcame a 10-point half time deficit on the road to beat a Marquette team that had just crushed Connecticut. They outscored Ohio University 47-20 in Act II to destroy a rising team.

Andy Kennedy's Bearcats have a half court offense. Despite not having a serious post threat that stands over 6" 6' and using a true freshman point guard, the Cats have been effective in their offensive sets. They can adjust when defenses toggle man-to-man and zone. Their motion offense actually has motion and guys are getting open looks. The Cats look like they practice.

Huggins had reached that grumpy, despondent point in his career in which he was coaching almost out of spite. He had succeeded and had become an icon so he was going to coach his way, no matter his personnel or opponent. He was no longer willing to adapt or adjust. And his temper tantrums no longer got any play. You can only scream at an 18-year kid so many times before he simply shuts down his ears. His players stopped listening.

Kennedy is new blood. He is young and hungry. (he is an athlete too and can actually run up and down the court with the players, for whatever that is worth). He has a commanding presence on the sideline. The players listen to him. He speaks candidly about his team and the challenges they face. And he can coach.

Kennedy's performance against 4th ranked UCONN this past Monday night was nothing short of masterful. UCONN was coming off a humbling loss on the road to Marquette and barely escaped a home game against LSU. This team was not about to go 0-2 in the conference on their home floor. The Cats did not get a call the entire night. ESPN analyst Jay Bilas disputed four different, crucial whistles that went against the Bearcats including a charging foul against James White with 7 minutes to play that gave the Senior four fouls and led to a crippling 4-point swing (The Cats, being one of the new kids on the block in the Big East, will not get a call on the road all season. Get used to it). When you top these conditions with the loss of Senior Forward Armein Kirkland, the Bearcats were faced with incalculable odds.

The Bearcats trailed only by 6 points with three minutes to play. And they had the ball.

Kennedy employed a weave offense, taken out of the Harlem Globetrotters playbook, to eat time off the shot clock and shorten the game. He switched to a 1-2-2 zone to save his players legs, pinch down on the Husky big men and force them to shoot jump shots. He gave the Bearcats a fighting chance and he did it all with seven undersized men, on the road. The Cats should have lost by 30. But they did not.

The season rages on and the one question is: how long can the Bearcats hold up? Here are the top minute eaters from the Connecticut game:

Hicks – 36
White – 35
Downey – 35
McGowan – 31
Moore – 26

The Big East season is a grind. Can these men possibly hold up until March with this kind of work load? Chadd Moore’s back is going to go – it is just a matter of time. After that you have 5 players with extended Division I experience. Then comes juco Ronald Allen who is shaky at best and Dominic Tilford who is not ready. Kennedy was forced to recruit two bodies from the football team just so the team could run a full practice. One of the players, Freshman tight end Connor Barwin (complete with a no. 51 jersey that appeared to have the name of another player recently unstitched off the back), played 8 minutes last Saturday against perennial power Syracuse.

Kennedy refuses to make excuses for his team. But I don’t mind. Consider the following litany of events that have crippled the Bearcat program:

· In May, Roy Bright was dismissed from the team after being arrested for a felony charge of attempting to carry a conceal weapon. Bright is currently averaging 20.5 ppg for Garden City (Kansas) junior college.
· In August, Bob Huggins was fired from his head coaching position at Cincinnati.
· Following the Huggins dismissal, 6” 8’ forward Ivan Johnson decides to renege on his commitment to UC and signs with Oregon. Johnson is averaging 8.2 ppg and 3.3 rpg in a sporadic season for the Ducks. He was recently suspended indefinitely for having an attitude detrimental to the team.
· Freshman guard Tyree Evans was not allowed to enroll in the school after being indicted for statutory rape in Massachusetts.
· Assistant coach Keith LeGree resigned after being arrested for DUI in late November.
· 6’ 6” freshman forward DeAndre Coleman leaves the team in mid-December because he was unhappy with his role in the program.
· 6” 10’ freshman center Abdul Herrera is ruled academically ineligible for the season. Herrera, from Panama, was penalized for taking an English course as a second-language class. His appeal was denied December 19.
· 6” 8’ Senior Forward Armein Kirkland suffered a season ending ACL injury against Connecticut on January 9. Kirkland was enjoying his best offensive game of the season, scoring 14 points in 12 minutes.

The Bearcats stand at 13-4. It’s a steep road to 20 wins and a tournament birth. But if I could pick a coach to lead this team to that plateau, with this ensemble, it would be Andy Kennedy. Imagine what he could do with a full roster?

Bengals v Steelers

2006-01-06T14:53:00.000-05:00

Five weeks ago, the Bengals were favored by 2.5 points playing at Pittsburgh. The Bengals won that game by a touchdown and it could have been worse.

This Sunday, the Bengals are playing at home against the same Steeler team. The Bengals are healthier now then they were then. Did I mention they are at home? Regardless, the Bengals are 3-point underdogs.

Has the NFL always been like this? Opinions on teams are seemingly changing play by play. It’s unbelievable. And it is not even the pundits. Cincinnati fans are already calming themselves with statements like ‘well, whatever happens, it has been a great season’. What a miserable thing to say. That’s like a general marching into a suicide mission with overmatched troops. ‘Whatever happens men, it has been an honor to serve with you.’ Good lord, since when did the orange and black become lambs being led to slaughter? Where are those ‘we’ll be back here in February’ signs I saw in Detroit last month?

The Steelers defense, who gave up 38 points to Cincinnati, has not gotten any better. They beat Chicago, a team who at the time was steered by Kyle Orton. They shut down Minnesota and Cleveland – both these teams are near the bottom in every offensive category. They outlasted Detroit, who still managed to negotiate three touchdowns. They will be scored on.

The Steelers can run the ball. That has not changed. The Bengals will struggle to contain it. But they will, at a price. Fortunately, it will be at a price they can afford.

The Bengals can contain the pass. The Bengals can contain the run. Unfortunately, they cannot do both at the same time. Whatever. Against Pittsburgh, the Bengals are going to chose to load up on the run. 8 men in the proverbial box every down. Make them throw.

And they will throw with success. Therefore the game turns into an aerial contest. So take your pick. Would you rather have Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, TJ Houshmanzadeh, Chris Henry and Chris Perry or Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, Antwaan Randle El and Heath Miller? That’s not even a debate.

The Bengals are going to score early and win the turnover battle. The Bengals are going to win. And that bandwagon is going to fill back up in a hurry.

Cincinnati – 33 Pittsburgh - 31

*I spelled TJs name correctly without looking it up. I should get a free soda or something.

Go Chiefs

2005-12-29T17:01:00.000-05:00

I hope the Bengals lose to the Chiefs.

The 1, 2, 5 & 6 seeds in the AFC are set. The Steelers are going to demolish the Lions at home and secure the 6th seed in the playoffs. This is a foregone conclusion. The 6th seed automatically plays the 3rd seed which will be Cincinnati if they defeat the Chiefs on Sunday. If the Bengals lose and the Patriots defeat the Jets (no small feat anymore), the Pats get the 3 seed and the Bengals take the 4.

The Bengals do not want to play the Steelers. They will say they do. They don’t. Can you imagine spending the bulk of your grade school years being pushed around by the school bully? Every day, he punches you in the arm and takes your milk money. Finally, one afternoon you swat him in the mouth, land a kick in his chins and claim the upper hand before the science teacher breaks it up. You’ve won. Applause rains in from the swing sets. Days later the fight is described as a cage match from Wrestlemania X. You are the man. Then the next week you go out to play 4-square and the bully wants another go. And this time he has a stick.

The Steelers have won their last three games by a combined score of 80-12. Chicago, Minnesota and Cleveland have managed one touchdown and two field goals in 12 quarters. Roethlisberger’s thumb is better. They are ready and sick of hearing how the power in the AFC North has switched from the Burgh to the Nati. Pittsburgh wants Cincinnati’s head on a plate.

Yes, the game would be in Paul Brown Stadium. That means nothing. The Steelers are 4-0 in PBS the past four years. They laugh at hostile stadiums. I think they even prefer that the game would be in Cincinnati so they can make a mess in the Bengals backyard and leave them to clean it up.

Palmer has looked human of late. Big Ben will not throw another 3 interceptions. I do not feel good about this at all. But I’ll tell you what I DO feel good about…

Cincinnati v. Jacksonville. The Jaguars are beat up – Taylor is suspect every play and Leftwich is doubtful. In fact, I hope Leftwich DOES come back. He has not taken a live snap since Thanksgiving. The Jags could only muster 10 points against the 49ers, just two weeks ago. Their best receiver is old man Jimmy Smith. And never underestimate the effect of cold weather on a southern team. They cannot come into Cincinnati and beat the Bengals.

And yes, the Bengals would have to go to Indianapolis the next round. Who cares? You have to eventually go to the RCA Dome anyway. I would rather go sooner than later. The Colts will not have played a meaningful game in over a month. The psyche of the team is still reeling from the loss of Dungy’s son. They are bound to be rusty. And if the Bengals can get a lead, you may sense a wave of panic trickle through the Indianapolis crowd. ‘Oh my god – we almost went undefeated and now we are losing at home in out FIRST play off game! Holy crap, throw it deep so we can get a score.’ Who knows, maybe Manning starts chucking that piggy at the men in orange.

I think the Bengals lose to the Steelers at home in round one. And that would be embarrassing. I would not be able to watch SportsCenter for weeks. ‘Looks like the kittens were not ready for prime time after all! The Steelers show the ‘Gals who rules the North. Redemption for Steel town.’ Not good times.

I would say to coach Marvin Lewis that he should tank the game against KC but I don’t think that is necessary. The Chiefs don’t lose at home – not at this time of the year and not with Larry Johnson running with a purpose. And when the final gun fires, Kansas City will be 10-6 and go home so they can watch the playoffs on television, the Steelers will make plans for New England where they will lose and the Bengals will begin preparations for Jacksonville. And I will be smiling.

The Mask of Bengal

2005-12-29T16:59:00.000-05:00

Where to go

2005-12-08T09:44:00.000-05:00

Writer's note: my post from June, titled 'Mt. Wilhelm', was missing an entire section. The last two days of this climbing diary did not make the site. Which is a shame because that was one of my favorite posts. And now no one is reading this anymore so I am talking to myself. Hi Mark! Looking good, bud.

Cincinnati. I have come full circle. Everyone was excited to hear about my trip for about 20 minutes. Those minutes are long gone. The novelty of my return has faded. And it should - I did not expect or want people to gush over me forever. Though, I admit that I liked attention. It's strange; I enjoyed talking about my experience the first couple weeks. And then I got bored with hearing my face spew out the same stories. And now no one asks anymore. So I find myself trying to drop hints of my trip to strangers at bars:

stranger: You know, that Bengals victory over the Chicago Bears is starting to look very good. At the time, it just seemed like a sloppy victory over a bad team. But the Bears are good.

Me (seeing my opportunity): Well, I wouldn't know. You have to understand, I was OVERSEAS when that game was played so I did not see it.

stranger: They won 24-7. Forced 5 turnovers. They needed them too because the Bears defense is top notch.

Me: Speaking of defense, you really get to understand the range of the United States military when you are OVERSEAS for 7 months.

stranger: If the Bengals played the Bears today, I am not sure who would win.

Me: I WAS OVER F**CKING SEAS FOR 7 MONTHS YOU TWIT!!

stranger (startled and looking for anyone else to talk to): ummmm, what were you doing overseas?

Me: Wellll, since you asked... In March I took on a journey of self-discovery and adventure that took me halfway...

One last thing before we bury the South Pacific. The transition back to the USA has been easy. If I had been gone 2 years, it could have been a different story. Besides, I got a buffer with 3 weeks in Australia. My current project at work is not high-stress which has allowed time to acclimate. It's good to be with friends again and around people that you can talk to on a variety of levels. Because of the limited scope the people had in PNG, we just did not have that much to talk about. The holidays are here again so it feels like I just skipped from 2004 Christmas to 2005. I felt like I had changed radically as a person but after 5 minutes with my family I was cracking the same jokes and in my car I was listening to sports talk radio and yelling at traffic. I am happy. I love ole Cincinnati. And the Bengals are 9-3.

OK. We're moving forward from here. Cincinnati 101. I have no idea what that means.

The Sydney 10

2005-11-30T18:16:00.000-05:00

I have to find a way to catch up with the present. It has been too long since Sydney and I did not take good notes my second week. And frankly, I just cannot write about this vacation anymore. I am resorting to a top-10 list to sum up my final days.

10. Coogee/Bondi Beach (10.13.2005) – The sun came out Thursday after a few cloudy days so we headed to the South Sydney beaches. Two trains and a bus ride brought us to Coogee. A cool, lazy beach. A string of bars were right across the road. We threw the football around and did nothing of consequence. A bus ride (we should have walked) took us north to Bondi where we had a great dinner – my first quality steak in the longest of times. The Bondi night life could have been better – we were blocked from some of the bars because we were wearing sandals. Ridiculous for beach-side watering holes.

9. Bengals game at Cheers Sports bar (10.10.2005) – I had not watched an American sporting event for over six months. The Bengals were 4-0 and the darlings of the young NFL season. Prime time game in the states meant the game aired at a reasonable time in Australia – 10:30am on Monday morning. The morning started with the 18-inning marathon between the Astros and Braves. We moved to Cheers, which is a swank, multi-level sports bar in the Central Business District. We laid $50 on the Bengals and drank cold pints. The intro featured Chad Johnson, blazed up in his uniform and spouting the sweetest trash talk I have ever heard. I thought I might have a stroke. Heads turned to watch the loud mouths yell at the television at 11am. The game was good and the Bengals were driving to win before a killer fumble ended the game. We recovered quickly.

8. Rocks Pub Crawl/Date night (10.12.2005) – Tony and I went on a pub crawl through the historic Rocks district. We visited three notable pubs and strolled through the narrow, crowded streets. Our guide was Canadian, which we thought was a little weak. We learned some of the seedy Australian history and sipped on ales and pilsners. Big drinking culture in Australia. Monique came by that night and was convinced Tony and I were con men. She asked the front desk for my room number but my name was not registered to the room. Neither was Tony’s (his first name is ‘Earl’, but he goes by his middle name). By the time she got to our room, her skepticism was through the roof. I opened the door and was greeted with ‘Who are you guys?’ We were thoroughly questioned. She caught me in a stupid lie. It took two hours of groveling to make things right.

7. Big Saturday (10.8.2005) – I called the girls that I had met the previous Sunday at the Rugby Final. They directed us to the Hilton Hotel. The bar there was fantastic – probably the best one we went to all week. Soaring ceilings, dark wood tables and a classy brass bar. The bar wrapped around into a courtyard. Open air. There were beautiful women. The rugby girls were sweet pickles. The crew moved on to Kings X. We could not get into the first bar so Tony and I set off on our own bar crawl which ended, as always, at the Empire Hotel. Much rejoicing.

6. Hunter Valley Wineries (10.14.2005) – Tony and I had tried to go on this tour Wednesday but we missed the bus. Completely my fault. They pushed our tour to Friday. We envisioned a youthful tour with numerous stops at a variety of wineries and an emphasis on rowdiness. Then we got on the bus. The lineup was me, Tony and 15 old ladies. Good times. The ride through the valley was winding and pretty though we didn’t see any of it because we were so damn tired from our relentless schedule that we slept the entire time. A quick stop at a nature preserve allowed close encounters with kangaroos and emus. The theme of the tour was centered around wine appreciation, not irresponsible drunkenness. Still, it turned out to be real decent. We learned a lot about tasting and smelling and interpreting wines. The women took us in – we were their prodigal American grandsons. They slipped us extra glasses of wine to keep us properly lubricated. At lunch I ate kangaroo and emu – probably the same ones I had petted earlier. Nobody likes kangaroos in Australia - they are like rats. We drank bottles on the way home. Just enough rowdy.

5. Soup Plus/Cricket Match (10.15.2005-10.16.2005) – Soup Plus is a great jazz bar. $60 at the door gets you and your date a 3-course meal and seats on the second floor loft to see the show. The 3-piece band was sharp and the singer was better. He was a poor man’s Harry Connick Jr. I was flat impressed. I felt guilty because he was better than this place. The bar had a patio, which offered a look up at imposing structures and reminded you that you were in the big city. Always a nice touch. Cricket match, attended the following day, was on the list for novelty sake. It was the Australian national team v. the World All Stars. The stadium was only half full, which surprised. But the fans that braved the trip made the day. Groups of guys would dress up in a theme – tennis players, drag queens, pimps. They had rehearsed cheers. Some fans brought full coolers of food to last them the whole day. There was a lot of drinking. Which is probably necessary because the game itself is a bore.

4. Katoomba (10.10.2005) – A two-hour train ride took us to Katoomba, a bohemian/hippie town that rests on the edge of the Blue Mountains. It was good to get out of the city. It was Monday and we had hit the clubs hard for 3 straight days. House music was still pounding in our ears. We walked through the town to the symbolic entrance to the Blue Mountains, marked by the ‘Three Sisters’ – 3 vertical rock formations that stand close together in remarkable precision. After a good dinner, we hit a bar with a juke box. It was heaven to our ears. And we were not rejected because of the sandals on our feet. We played pool and met quality locals. We needed this night.

3. Blue Mountains (10.11.2005) – Tony and I signed up for an adventure tour. We hopped on a bus with 8 others (a really fun group) and headed into the mountains. The morning was filled with abseiling (the same as rappelling) lessons. The group roped down a sheer 20 meter wall of sandstone, right at the top shelf of the Blue Mountains. You could see through the valley enclosed by the mountain ranges. After a quick lunch, we descended into the belly of the mountains, winding down a steep hiking path. Near the bottom we squeezed into our wet suits to prepare for the canyoning portion of the tour. The wet suits were bright blue. Coupled with our bright yellow safety helmets, we looked like extras in a Beastie Boy video. I pretended I was a super hero and yelled into the sky at the falling meteor I was going to stop. Spirits were high. We jumped knee-deep into the icy water and began snaking through the canyon. The water way was narrow so we had to go single file. The rock formed a spooky hallway that shot straight up into the sky. The sun filtered through the rocks and trees, here and there. Every few hundred feet, there would be a drop in the path and you had to vault yourself in the air and plunge into the water below. Thankfully, nobody cracked open their skulls. The water was violently cold but the wet suits held. At the end of the watery path was a waterfall that dropped directly down into a pool, 40 meters below. This was the climax. We abseiled down this slippery rock face. I was a rookie and it showed. I could not get footing and I swung all over the place – slamming into the rock while water gushed over top of me. But I made it. We all did. It was exhilarating. The guides were great and the group even better.

2. Sounds on Sunday (10.9.2005) An Australian woman (is there a better word for a female? ‘Girl’ sounds too condescending; ‘Lady’ sounds too formal; ‘Woman’ sounds technical for some reason) I met in PNG put me in contact with her brother. He is a bartender/DJ in Sydney. This would be the second time she gave me good information – the first being the skydive place. I called him and he put us on the guest list at the Greenwood Hotel. It was an early-evening event so we took a cab over around 6:30pm. We were back in the same cab coming back across the harbor 3 minutes later because we were wearing open-toed sandals. Damn this dress code.

We came all the way back and it was worth it. There were three bars, strung together. They opened up into a courtyard that seemed to be right smack dab in the middle of North Sydney. Skyskrapers climbed the perimeter. House music poured out from the DJ booth, with live performers sitting rhythms on top of the tracks. Cool vibes. It reminded me of a ‘wet party’ I went to in San Francisco. Good looking crowd. I could not stop myself from moving. The tunes were too good. Monique showed up. I had arranged this but I did not think she was going to show. I was gushing. We went on a dancing marathon for three straight hours. I forgot about everybody else at the club. She was good. I am not good. But I try. And honest effort on the dance floor trumps limited dancing skill every time. Each bar had a different style of music – hip hop, techno, trance. Outside was the best – funky house with the night sky changing from spooky dusk to inky night. It was so much fun I thought I was doing something illegal.

1. Monique. She was the coolest. Much smarter than me but she was nice enough not to rub it in. Great accent (German). Greater walk. She was up for anything. Lustrous hair. Painfully sexy. And she seemed to have a real affection for me and God only knows why.

So that is it. Sydney is quality. It is cool. Clean. Little to no crime. Easy to get around. Great weather. Beautiful skyline surrounded by a network of waterways and you can travel by ferries for cheap. Good culture with free museums, historic neighborhoods and the iconic Opera House. Big sports town. Any kind of food you could ever want. Big nightlife – pubs, bars, 24X7 clubs of every flavor. Attractive people. You can go on the cheap, if you need to. Or you can spend a million dollars in one week. The Botanical Gardens is basically a glamorous park, right on the water. Multiple beaches. Irresponsible gambling, if that is your thing. Major backpacker town. Very international – influences from all over the world. A clash of an old-world British colonial state and an advanced South Pacific nation. Everyone speaks English. The locals are patient and comical. If you want to get out of the city, the Blue Mountains and Hunter Valley are an hour train ride away. The city is designed to accommodate tourists – and it does it well.

Entry 54

2005-11-22T22:35:00.000-05:00

Thursday, 10.6.2005 – This was a throw-away day. I was sick of the hostel and my friend was arriving the next morning. I was upgrading to a hotel. Thank the dear lord. I went to China Town and it was exactly like every other China Town in any city in the world. I am not sure what the attraction is. My lunch was marginal. I went to the markets – fresh fruits, didgeridoos, boomerangs, celebrity face drawings and awful clothes. Fell asleep watching a 3D shark movie at the Omnimax. Really enjoyed the Art Museum of New South Wales. Bought a bottle of wine and took it to an Indian joint for dinner. That was good.

The hostel was abuzz that evening. Everyone was going out. Even my nemesis, Dez. A difficult person in the worst way. I would ask him to borrow the phone book behind the front desk and he would say ‘why? What do you need it for? Who are you calling? Just tell me who you want to call and I will look it up’. It would take me five minutes of excruciating banter to get the book. He mistakenly told me that he was given a $200 bar tab at the Empire Hotel for the night. The bars in the Cross give the hostel employees big tabs to get traffic into their business. My eyes lit up. As my revenge, I decided to run that tab dry and go out in a blaze of gunfire. And that I did.

At the Empire, I had the bartender line up drinks (courtesy Dez, who was flopping around somewhere) and saturated the patrons within shouting distance for a wonderful 45 minutes before the $200 was kicked. I left triumphantly, head held high. The night moved from there. World Bar. Kings X Hotel. A British woman named Fiona attached herself to me. Back, going back in all directions. I never spent a dime the entire night. Drinks came from all sides. It was a Backpacker celebration. Back at the hostel, it had morphed into my freshmen dormitory. Strangers running in and out of different rooms. 2nd floor. 3rd floor. 1st floor. Choices were being made. Drunken investigations in beds while roommates pretended to be asleep.

I woke up with a start at 7am. The room was a disaster. It was time to go. I packed my bags like the cops were coming. There was a line of people right outside my room, checking in. The hostel never sleeps. I was giggling maniacally. I did one last sweep of the room and hauled out my bags, turning once to proclaim ‘so long, SUCKERS!’ to the sleeping Germans. I threw my keys at the man behind the desk and was hailing a cab before he could offer protest. You don’t check out of a hostel. You escape.

Oops

2005-11-21T09:47:00.000-05:00